70 Best Adam Szymkowicz Monologues

ubu (ubu)

Category: Play Role: Ubu From: ubu

ubu says

My childhood was very unhappy but it was also lonely. All I had was a pet dead cat and my nightmares to keep me company in my tiny locked closet. I don’t want to blame anybody but it was probably my mother’s fault. I’m not saying she was a terrible mother, but she definitely was.

I’m not complaining. Look at me. I’m the most successful man ever. (He thinks about this for a minute. Sad.) Ever.

Don’t look at me like that. Is that pity? I am not a man to be pitied! Not like you. There on the bottom, surviving off the scraps I throw you. Not literally. I mean, not from this table. It would ruin you. We mustn’t do that. What? You don’t believe me?

(Tosses a small piece of steak to the ground.)

Go on. Eat it. Crawl up here on your hands and knees and eat it off the ground like a dog. Go on. Go on. I’ll wait. Go on. No?

ubu (ubu)

Category: Play Role: Ubu From: ubu

ubu says

Ah hem. The first poem is entitled, “Ode To A Field Of Daisies.”

A field of daisies

On a sunny day

Reminds me

You have to take what you want

The world owes you nothing

Take

Take

Take

Thank you.

(If they don’t clap.) Aren’t you going to clap? (When they do clap.) That wasn’t much of an applause. Did you want to try that again? (after) That wasn’t much better.

This next one is called, “The Soul of a Poet.”

The dying begins when you are born

They try to hurt you right away

with insults and cigarette burns

They will tear you down if you build yourself up

They will rip you your asshole if you get out of line

All of everything and everybody is against you

That is what living is

And dying is giving up

But we have no choice

You start dying as soon as you’re born

I like the taste of honey

Thank you.

(after applause or lack of applause.)

Is that it? I don’t know if you even deserve another poem. But I’m feeling generous.

This one is called, “I hate you, Mommy.”

I just adore the springtime

I love a good Cuban cigar

Sunlight is my favorite kind of light

Have you ever seen a butterfly

Come out of its cocoon?

Or a moth for that matter flitting around a light?

Or a sunset over a stark white beach

I hate you Mommy.

Thank you.

Three Cheerleaders Cheering for the Worst Team in the History of High School Sports (Peter)

Category: Play Role: Peter From: Three Cheerleaders Cheering for the Worst Team in the History of High School Sports

Peter says

I just think, when you love someone, then maybe . . . that’s when you do things with them . . . like those things . . . I’m just waiting for that person to show up, but I just don’t know when that will happen. It seems like it never will. And I want it to so bad, but it’s like I don’t belong here. Everyone just stares at me as if to say “what are you doing here?” and I don’t know what I’m doing here. At all. I just hope someday there will be someone who will look at me and see my value and say “yeah, you and me, we’re the same.” Cause no one around here is like me. And I’m not even sure why. Sometimes I just feel like there’s no point in saying anything anymore because when I do, no one understands what I’m saying. We’re all speaking the same language but I’m on a different frequency or something. I don’t know.

The Why Overhead (Jessica)

Category: Play Role: Jessica From: The Why Overhead

Jessica says

Everything is not about the two of you, and your bets and side bets, your tantrums, your proposals, your lust and your desires. I can have desires and you don’t have to enter into them in any way. I can have sex dreams and sex day dreams and they can be about someone else. I’m tired of being tied down or covered up. I am not a statue on a pedestal or a flower in a vase. I am not just a beautiful thing, although I am that for sure. But I want to be recognized for who I am, not only how I look. I don’t want to always be protected from the world other people. You don’t have to build a ceiling over me. I don’t need it. I don’t know. Treat me like a normal person, not the freak in the room who happens to be incredibly incredibly beautiful.

The Jack And Jill Plays (Jack)

Category: Play Role: Jack From: The Jack And Jill Plays

Jack says

Thank you for coming. It’s been a whirlwind. Truly an honor. People ask me. They say, “Jack, how do you do it?” Well, today, I’m here to tell you all my secrets. I don’t want to say it’s easy to be me and to do all the things I’ve done. But with practice and persistence, you too can accomplish what I managed to accomplish in a few simple steps. But you have to believe in yourself. And you have to trust your worst instincts. How to find yourself in jail, Part 1: The Awakening. First maybe there is something in your life that you know you should’t do. This is maybe something you also really want to do. It might be physical violence or illegal drugs. It might be grand theft auto or bank robbery. Or maybe it’s stealing gnomes from people’s yards. So the first thing is that even though you know you shouldn’t do this, you do this thing. And then you do it again. And again. And again. Until you have like a lot of gnomes. Like a whole lot. Like someone might come over and see them and go, “Why do you have so many gnomes? What can someone even do with that many gnomes? Why would you do this.” And maybe there’s no easy answer. Except you know, the normal ones. Bad childhood. Hole inside you nothing will fill. Sexual deviancy. And then one day, you’re a little sloppy and someone sees you and recognizes you and then the cops are there asking questions. And you answer the questions truthfully because at the end of the day, you just want it to be over and as they say, light is the best disinfectant. I also like white vinegar because it’s non-toxic and I don’t mind the smell. So the cops are there with their guns and their badges and their serious faces and they ask you point blank. So you bring them out to the shed and they say, “Holy shit,” and then they take you for a ride. And that’s why I’m here. So. That. Is. How. But you may ask, “What next?” “What are your future plans now that this exciting project has come to an end?” and I have to admit, I don’t really know. I never thought that far.

It’s a relief and also, you know of course I don’t feel any better, at all. So… So …So. So. Sob.

The Jack And Jill Plays (Jill)

Category: Play Role: Jill From: The Jack And Jill Plays

Jill says

All The Things I Never Said

One

Some days I can’t stand you.

Two

Your kindness makes me cry sometimes.

Three

I wish you would clean out the fridge without me asking.

Four

I don’t want to talk about it.

Five

Can one human ever really know another, like really know?

Six

I don’t think I’m enough like what I wish I was.

Seven

I’m not enough.

Eight

I can never be what you want me to be.

Nine

Just give me five minutes.

Ten

I just want to take a shower.

Eleven

Make your own food.

Twelve

Are these bad shoes?

Thirteen

I’m gonna stop drinking.

Fourteen

I’m never going to stop drinking.

Fifteen

I hate that I’m mortal.

Sixteen

Don’t wake me up. Just don’t.

Seventeen

Another year has passed and I’m no different.

Sigh.

The Jack And Jill Plays (Jill)

Category: Play Role: Jill From: The Jack And Jill Plays

Jill says

You know, for the first few months it’s been quiet, uneventful. The days were gray and passed without me noticing. And then a couple days ago, something opened for me. A buzzing stopped I hadn’t noticed until it was over. I went outside and the sun was out. I took a book and I could really see the words on the page and I could look up and be present, feel my feet on the ground. I’m not saying every day will be better now but I think I got past something that was itching under my skin. You know what I’m saying?

The Jack And Jill Plays (Jill)

Category: Play Role: Jill From: The Jack And Jill Plays

Jill says

I always thought it would be me first, you know? I didn’t think. No, I shouldn’t say that. You’ll be fine. You’ll be fine. You’ll beat this. I don’t care what the doctor says. Cheryl came by. Oh. I guess you don’t really like her. Well, anyway, she came to see you. Which was nice of her.

Look you can’t do this. You can’t leave me alone. I can’t just . . . not without you. How can I . . . do anything . . . ever again?

Morgan’s waiting for you. Everyone is waiting for you. Your job is there if you just pull through. Won’t you?

I need you. I can’t remember anything. Everything that happened to us, who will remember if you’re not here? No one. Like they never happened.

Remember that time we went fishing and you — Just wake up. Wake up! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!!!

Sorry. I’m going to get some water. Just. Please. Just. Come on. You have to. I’m all alone.

I can’t be me without you.

The Jack And Jill Plays (Jill)

Category: Play Role: Jill From: The Jack And Jill Plays

Jill says

Don’t interrupt. I want to be with someone who likes me for the things about myself that I like too. Or the things they like that I didn’t even know. Like am I funny? Maybe someone who thinks I’m really funny. And someone who loves the color of my hair. Like that. When I talk, you don’t understand me. I say things and your mind drifts and I know you’re not really smart enough to get me. And I’m pretty sure there are great things about me but if I stay with you, I will never know because I will see myself the way you see me. I will get stuck there. Because you’re kind of overbearing in your world view. And I think you don’t really see me. Or you do but in a blurry way. You’re looking somewhere else and you see me out of the corner of your eye and so you have a general idea but you never really see me because you can’t stop putting things on top of me that aren’t really me.

Snow (From Five Short Plays) (Ed)

Category: Play Role: Ed From: Snow

Ed says

I’ve been careful, always very careful. Before touching a woman I put on rubber gloves. Some women are taken aback sure, when you pull out rubber gloves and dental dams but what kinds of women are those? … women that know they have diseases. And those are not the type of women I want to know in any case. So when people ask me if I’m upset at being a virgin at my age, I say no way.

I’m just looking for a clean woman. I am not against kissing … I just want to make sure her mouth is well cleaned first. If she would brush her teeth and then gargle with mouthwash for a minimum of sixty seconds. I, of course would also brush and mouthwash. I like cleanliness, that’s all. We are all dirty. God knows I scrub my hands before putting those rubber gloves on.