Steve Martin Monologues

The Jerk (Navin R. Johnson)

Well, I’m gonna go then. And I don’t need any of this! I don’t need this stuff, and I don’t need you. I don’t need anything … except this, this ashtray, and that’s the only thing I need, is this. I don’t need this or this. Just this ashtray. And this paddle game, the ashtray and the paddle game and that’s all I need. And this remote control. The ashtray, the paddle game and the remote control, and that’s all I need. And these matches. The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control and the paddle ball. And this lamp. The ashtray, this paddle game and the remote control and the lamp and that’s all I need. And that’s all I need, too. I don’t need one other thing, not one – I need this! The paddle game, and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches, for sure. Well, what are you looking at? What do you think I am, some kind of a jerk or something? And this! And that’s all I need. The ashtray, the remote control, the paddle game, this magazine and the chair…I don’t need one other thing, except my dog. I don’t need my dog.

Roxanne (C.D. Charlie Bales)

Alright. Alright, twenty something betters. Here goes. Uh, start with obvious: Excuse me, is that your nose or did a bus park on your face? Meteorological: Everybody take cover, she’s going to blow! Fashionable: You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore something larger, like Wyoming. Personal: Well, here we are, just the three of us. Punctual: Alright, Delmond your nose was on time, but you were fifteen minutes late! Envious: Oooh, I wish I was you! Gosh, to be able to smell your own ear! Naughty: Uh, pardon me, sir, some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn’t mind putting that thing away. Philosophical: You know it’s not the size of a nose that’s important; it’s what’s in it that matters! Humorous: Laugh, and the world laughs with you, sneeze and its goodbye Seattle! Commercial: Hi, I’m Earl Shive and I can paint that nose for $39.95! Polite: Uh, would mind not bobbing your head, the, uh, orchestra keeps changing tempo. Melodic: Everybody! He’s got the whole world in his nose. Sympathetic: Aw, what happened, did your parents lose a bet with God? Complimentary: You must love the little birdies to give them this to perch on. Scientific: Say, does that thing there influence the tides? Obscure: Whoof, I’d hate see the grindstone. Think about it. Inquiring: When you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid? French: Say, the pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you leave! Pornographic: Finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once! How many is that?… Alright, alright. Religious: The Lord giveth, and he just kept on giving, didn’t he? Disgusting: Say, who mows your nose-hair? Paranoid: Keep that guy away from my cocaine! Aromatic: It must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the coffee in Brazil. Appreciative: Oooh how original! Most people just have their teeth capped! Alright. Alright. Dirty: Your name wouldn’t be Dick, would it?

Planes, Trains and Automobiles (Neal Page)

You’re no saint. You got a free cab, you got a free room and someone who’ll listen to your boring stories. Didn’t you notice on the plane when you started talking, eventually I started reading the vomit bag? Didn’t that give you some sort of clue, like hey maybe this guy is not enjoying it? You know, not everything is an anecdote, you have to discriminate! You choose things that are funny or mildly amusing or interesting. You’re a miracle! Your stories have none of that! They’re not even amusing accidentally! “Honey, I’d like you to meet Del Griffith, he’s got some amusing anecdotes for you! And, oh, here’s a gun so you can blow your brains out, you’ll thank me for it! I could tolerate any insurance seminar. For days, I could sit there, and listen to them go on and on with a big smile on my face. And they’d say, how can you stand it? And I’d say, because I’ve been with Del Griffith, I can take anything. You know what they’d say, they’d say, “I know what you mean, shower curtain ring guy, whoa!” It’s like going on a date with a chatty Cathy doll. I expect you to have a little string on your chest that you pull out and have to snap back. Except I wouldn’t pull it out and snap it back, you would! Ah Ah Ah Ah! And, you know, when you’re telling these little stories, here’s a good idea: have a point. It makes it so much more interesting for the listener!

L.A. Story (Harris K. Telemacher)

I’ve been thinking about myself and I think I can become the kind of person that’s worth staying for. First of all I’m a man who can cry. Now it’s true it’s usually when I’ve hurt myself but it’s a start. You see, I know there is something that will make you stay. I know it. I see you play the tuba I sensed that about you. There is some move I could make, the right word, attitude, plan, but these are all tricks; these are just things I would think up and try. But let’s forgo that. Let’s assume that whatever that thing is, that whatever it is that you secretly know would make you stay, has occurred, that it has happened, that my hand has already gone down your throat and grabbed your heart and squeezed it.

Father of the Bride (George Banks)

I used to think a wedding was a simple affair. Boy and girl meet, they fall in love, he buys a ring, she buys a dress, they say I do. I was wrong. That’s getting married. A wedding is an entirely different proposition. I know. I’ve just been through one. Not my own, my daughter’s. Annie Banks-MacKenzie. That’s her married name: MacKenzie. I’ll be honest with you, when I bought this house seventeen years ago it cost less than this blessed event in which Annie Banks became Annie Banks-MacKenzie. I’m told that one day I’ll look back on all this with great affection. I hope so. You fathers will understand. You have a little girl, an adorable little girl who looks up to you and adores you in a way you could never have imagined. I remember how her little hand used to fit inside mine, how she used to love to sit on my lap and lean her head against my chest. She said I was her hero. Then the day comes when she wants to get her ears pierced and wants you to drop her off a block before the movie theater. Next thing you know she’s wearing eye shadow and high heels. From that moment on you’re in a constant state of panic. You worry about her going out with the wrong kind of guys, the kind of guys who only want one thing, and you know exactly what that one thing is because it’s the same thing you wanted when you were their age. Then she gets a little older and you quit worrying about her meeting the wrong guy, and you worry about her meeting the right guy. And that’s the biggest fear of all because then you lose her. And before you know it, you’re sitting all alone in a big empty house wearing rice on your tux wondering what happened to your life. It was just six months ago that it happened here. Just six months ago that the storm broke.