4 Best ubu Monologues

Category: Play Role: Ubu From: ubu

Ubu says

How I became King of the Great Expanding Universe. Yes. Yes.

I was not always King of the Great Expanding Universe. My father was not the King of the Great Expanding Universe. In fact, back then, there was no King of the Great Expanding Universe. The universe was just a series of unrelated non-governed or socialist, communist, anarchist, hedonist, neo-realist or vaguely democratic republican principalities, which is to say, oligarchies. How then did I ever become the King of the Great Expanding Universe? Surely not being elected. No, the secret, is -I feel like I can tell you the secret -can you keep a secret? Well, YOU BETTER. The secret is I did it all through misinformation, intimidation, brute force, deceit, murder, bribery, theft, breaking laws, changing laws, murder . . . did I say murder? Misinformation, teaching the people to blame themselves for their own misfortune.

First you create a corporation. It can even be a small corporation. But it must be profitable. Then you buy up another corporation. You don’t need to have all the money to do so. Be sure to outsource the labor to children and those in poverty so that your profits will be high. Then you buy your first politician. I remember the day I bought my first politician. That was a good day. The pride I felt. Buy more politicians and more corporations. Diversify. Don’t just own an oil company. Own the phones and the newspapers and the television and housing and the grocery stores and the cable and the cars and the internet and the small countries. Continue ad infinitum. And don’t be afraid of brute force. You can start a war to make money. You don’t even have to win. You can do anything as long as you own enough politicians. What is important is you must never back down. Crush them. You must crush them. Crush them! Crush them! Crush them! Crush them! Aaaaaahhh.

Category: Play Role: Ubu From: ubu

Ubu says

Wine! Wine! Wine! Wine! Wine! Wine! Wine! Wine! Wine! Wine! Wine!

(The SERVANT brings UBU wine. UBU drinks.)

A very good vintage. I would offer it to you, of course, but it would ruin you.

What else can I tell you before I fire you? Ooop. Did I say that out loud? Were you paying attention? Forget I said that. Maybe I won’t even do it. Who knows. I meant to say, what else can I tell you for your edification to help you continue to work for me?

When I was a child . . . nononono. Don’t look at me like that. I’m not some kind of animal. I’m not some kind of -I was in love once. Is that what you want to hear? It was a blemish on my career. A black spot on my rise to fame and fortune. All the profits I tried to make, she tried to take away. She wanted me to use my money to clothe people and feed people and house people and help them farm and get them clean water and give them small loans and artist grants. And I did everything she wanted. Because of love.

(The memory of the woman he loved comes out. Played a servant? A life-sized marionette? UBU and she dance together. It is haunting and strangely beautiful.)

She was…

She was…

beautiful.

heavenly.

Her feet never touched the ground.

She made the most powerful men self conscious.

She was put together like no other.

Just meat and bone, but better. More human. Like she was built from sunlight and air.

Her existence was proof of God.

She had my heart in her hand.

And then she died.

Cancer.

(Marionette or Actor falls to the ground.)

People told me to fund Cancer research. Fuck that. I’m not giving up any more to cancer. CANCER ALREADY TOOK EVERYTHING!

Category: Play Role: Ubu From: ubu

ubu says

My childhood was very unhappy but it was also lonely. All I had was a pet dead cat and my nightmares to keep me company in my tiny locked closet. I don’t want to blame anybody but it was probably my mother’s fault. I’m not saying she was a terrible mother, but she definitely was.

I’m not complaining. Look at me. I’m the most successful man ever. (He thinks about this for a minute. Sad.) Ever.

Don’t look at me like that. Is that pity? I am not a man to be pitied! Not like you. There on the bottom, surviving off the scraps I throw you. Not literally. I mean, not from this table. It would ruin you. We mustn’t do that. What? You don’t believe me?

(Tosses a small piece of steak to the ground.)

Go on. Eat it. Crawl up here on your hands and knees and eat it off the ground like a dog. Go on. Go on. I’ll wait. Go on. No?

Category: Play Role: Ubu From: ubu

ubu says

Ah hem. The first poem is entitled, “Ode To A Field Of Daisies.”

A field of daisies

On a sunny day

Reminds me

You have to take what you want

The world owes you nothing

Take

Take

Take

Thank you.

(If they don’t clap.) Aren’t you going to clap? (When they do clap.) That wasn’t much of an applause. Did you want to try that again? (after) That wasn’t much better.

This next one is called, “The Soul of a Poet.”

The dying begins when you are born

They try to hurt you right away

with insults and cigarette burns

They will tear you down if you build yourself up

They will rip you your asshole if you get out of line

All of everything and everybody is against you

That is what living is

And dying is giving up

But we have no choice

You start dying as soon as you’re born

I like the taste of honey

Thank you.

(after applause or lack of applause.)

Is that it? I don’t know if you even deserve another poem. But I’m feeling generous.

This one is called, “I hate you, Mommy.”

I just adore the springtime

I love a good Cuban cigar

Sunlight is my favorite kind of light

Have you ever seen a butterfly

Come out of its cocoon?

Or a moth for that matter flitting around a light?

Or a sunset over a stark white beach

I hate you Mommy.

Thank you.