Ubu says
How I became King of the Great Expanding Universe. Yes. Yes.
I was not always King of the Great Expanding Universe. My father was not the King of the Great Expanding Universe. In fact, back then, there was no King of the Great Expanding Universe. The universe was just a series of unrelated non-governed or socialist, communist, anarchist, hedonist, neo-realist or vaguely democratic republican principalities, which is to say, oligarchies. How then did I ever become the King of the Great Expanding Universe? Surely not being elected. No, the secret, is -I feel like I can tell you the secret -can you keep a secret? Well, YOU BETTER. The secret is I did it all through misinformation, intimidation, brute force, deceit, murder, bribery, theft, breaking laws, changing laws, murder . . . did I say murder? Misinformation, teaching the people to blame themselves for their own misfortune.
First you create a corporation. It can even be a small corporation. But it must be profitable. Then you buy up another corporation. You don’t need to have all the money to do so. Be sure to outsource the labor to children and those in poverty so that your profits will be high. Then you buy your first politician. I remember the day I bought my first politician. That was a good day. The pride I felt. Buy more politicians and more corporations. Diversify. Don’t just own an oil company. Own the phones and the newspapers and the television and housing and the grocery stores and the cable and the cars and the internet and the small countries. Continue ad infinitum. And don’t be afraid of brute force. You can start a war to make money. You don’t even have to win. You can do anything as long as you own enough politicians. What is important is you must never back down. Crush them. You must crush them. Crush them! Crush them! Crush them! Crush them! Aaaaaahhh.