Jack says
Thank you for coming. It’s been a whirlwind. Truly an honor. People ask me. They say, “Jack, how do you do it?” Well, today, I’m here to tell you all my secrets. I don’t want to say it’s easy to be me and to do all the things I’ve done. But with practice and persistence, you too can accomplish what I managed to accomplish in a few simple steps. But you have to believe in yourself. And you have to trust your worst instincts. How to find yourself in jail, Part 1: The Awakening. First maybe there is something in your life that you know you should’t do. This is maybe something you also really want to do. It might be physical violence or illegal drugs. It might be grand theft auto or bank robbery. Or maybe it’s stealing gnomes from people’s yards. So the first thing is that even though you know you shouldn’t do this, you do this thing. And then you do it again. And again. And again. Until you have like a lot of gnomes. Like a whole lot. Like someone might come over and see them and go, “Why do you have so many gnomes? What can someone even do with that many gnomes? Why would you do this.” And maybe there’s no easy answer. Except you know, the normal ones. Bad childhood. Hole inside you nothing will fill. Sexual deviancy. And then one day, you’re a little sloppy and someone sees you and recognizes you and then the cops are there asking questions. And you answer the questions truthfully because at the end of the day, you just want it to be over and as they say, light is the best disinfectant. I also like white vinegar because it’s non-toxic and I don’t mind the smell. So the cops are there with their guns and their badges and their serious faces and they ask you point blank. So you bring them out to the shed and they say, “Holy shit,” and then they take you for a ride. And that’s why I’m here. So. That. Is. How. But you may ask, “What next?” “What are your future plans now that this exciting project has come to an end?” and I have to admit, I don’t really know. I never thought that far.
It’s a relief and also, you know of course I don’t feel any better, at all. So… So …So. So. Sob.