I like to picture Jesus in a Tuxedo T-shirt, ’cause it says, like, ‘I wanna be formal, but I’m here to party, too.’ I like to party, so I like my Jesus to party…. I like to think of Jesus like, with giant eagles’ wings and singin’ lead vocals for Lynyrd Skynyrd with like an Angel Band, and I’m in the front row, and I’m hammered drunk…
Dear Lord Baby Jesus… or as our brothers in the South call you: ‘Hey-soose’. We thank you so much for this bountiful harvest of Dominos, KFC, and the always delicious Taco Bell. I just want to take time to say thank you for my family: my two beautiful, beautiful, handsome striking sons, Walker and Texas Ranger, or TR as we call him. And, of course, my red hot smokin’ wife Carley, who is a stone cold fox, who if you would rate her ass on 100, it would easily be a 94. I also want to thank you for my best friend and teammate, Cal Naughton Jr, who’s got my back no matter what…Dear Lord Baby Jesus, we also thank you for my wife’s father Chip. We hope that you can use your Baby Jesus powers to heal him and his horrible leg. It smells terrible and the dogs are always botherin’ with it. Dear Tiny Infant Jesus…’
People call me the Bry man; I’m the stylish one of the group. I know what you’re asking yourself and the answer is yes. I have a nickname for my penis. Its called the Octagon, but I also nick named my testes – my left one is James Westfall and my right one is Doctor Kenneth Noisewater. You ladies play your cards right you just might get to meet the whole gang.
I love … carpet. … I love desk. … I love lamp. … I love lamp! I love lamp …
Guess what, I do. I know that one day Veronica and I are gonna to get married on top of a mountain, and there’s going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And we will dance till the sun rises. And then our children will form a family band. And we will tour the countryside and you won’t be invited.
I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly…