4 Best Steve Monologues

Category: Play Role: Steve From: Fat Cat Killers

Steve says

I would like to call on the leniency of the jury. Not because I didn’t know what I was doing. I knew what I was doing. Although please keep in mind that it wasn’t actually me who killed Dave. I didn’t shoot at anyone or anything. I just helped with the kidnapping. I may be an accessory to murder, but a minor accessory like . . . what’s a minor accessory? Like a barrette. It’s true I helped keep him hostage, but I had a good reason for all my actions. Revenge. Revenge is, I believe, a good reason to do things. It may get you arrested but my hope is that you, my peers, understand and appreciate the importance of revenge and will be lenient on me. Because when it comes down to it, all of my actions were motivated revenge. When you take away a man’s ability to support himself, don’t you expect him to fight back? And so I did. Murder might have been too strong a way to fight back, but I hope you will understand my impulses, if not the severity of my actions.

Thank you.

Also, I would like to say to those who try to copycat me and kidnap CEOs–I would not do that. I think it is a bad idea despite the manifesto I wrote saying it was a good idea. I no longer believe this manifesto. I am penitent and see the errors I have made in the past.

But I was trapped. The system is against us. That much is clear. It is against you whether or not you break the law. It is just against you. I think this is bad for a system.

Thank you. Please be lenient. Cool. Thanks.

Category: Play Role: Steve From: Fat Cat Killers

Steve says

(STEVE gags him. DAVE makes noises for a while like he’s trying to shout things but eventually this subsides.)

Sorry about that. It’s just you were scaring me a little. And you’re not supposed to do that. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I thought maybe we would just knock on your door and be like, “Hey we got laid off from your company and can’t find jobs but you got a lot of money, right?” And you would feel bad and you would say “hold on a minute boys” and “come in boys” and “would you like a drink?” And you would go into your safe and fill a couple bags full of cash, one for each of us and we would hang out and watch TV and then we would say thank you when we left. I really wished it could work out that way. But Michael thinks and I guess I agree that people only give away money under duress. Or at least people like you anyway. And you definitely wouldn’t give it to two former employees who showed up at your door. Even though your company was built on our backs. We worked all that time for not much money and now you cut us loose anyway. Just thinking about it makes me want to hit you. I guess that would be okay, right? I mean is there a reason not to hit you?

(DAVE tries to say something.)

Yeah, I can’t understand you with the gag on. Maybe I should break something like a finger or something. Or I could cut something off. Like your ear or your nose. I wonder if there’s a knife around here somewhere. You didn’t see a knife, did you? Never mind. I can’t understand anything you say. Tell you what? I’ll hit you and see how it feels. If it makes me feel better, I’ll hit you some more and maybe find a knife. But if it makes me feel worse, I’ll stop. Deal?

(DAVE fervently disagrees with this plan. STEVE hits him. He hits him again and again. He’s laughing, having a good time hitting him.)

I don’t know what I was thinking. This is a lot of fun. My hands hurt but I could go a little more. What do you say?

(DAVE wants him to stop. STEVE hits him a little more. We fade to black.)

Category: Play Role: Steve From: Fat Cat Killers

Steve says

To Whom It may Concern: This is a Manifesto for a Better America. And a confession for the killing of Dave Russell. But not an apology. Let it be known that we killed Dave Russell and we are not sorry for it, even though he was charismatic. We are not signing the letter or anything because we don’t want to go to jail and we don’t think we really should anyway. Because he built his empire on our backs and then threw us away, so in return, we put a bullet in his head.

And here is where the manifesto part comes in. Dave died because he was the CEO of a company that treated his workers badly. Dave is just the beginning. We will not stop there and we hope that we will inspire others to likewise kill the CEOs of their companies. The only way that companies will start to treat their workers well is if they are all individually afraid for their lives. So I urge you to kidnap and kill your local CEO and continue to kill them off one one until the pay begins to be reasonable.

Something like a major corporation may seem impossible to defeat. “They’ll never pay us more,” you may say. “They will never treat us right.” Well, you may be right but then again, you may never know unless you kill the key people in your corporation. Just remember, corporations are made up of people who make decisions that affect your lives. Once you knock out a few of them, I think you’ll be surprised how things start to turn to your favor. They should all be terrified of us. There are so many more of us. But we’ve allowed ourselves to be beaten down. We go to their schools where the public school teachers tells us to sit down and shut up to memorize and behave and show up on time and do our work and never ask for more than whatever whoever is in power is willing to give. And then that is what we do the rest of our lives. In France, they beheaded their royalty when they lost touch with the common people. Well our royalty are the heads of companies, the heads of the media, the people who own our grocery stores and sell us gas and electricity, who take our money to hold in their banks and spend all their time thinking up ways to take advantage of us with hidden fees and additional charges. And it’s time to fucking chop their heads off one at a time, guillotine or no guillotine, until they start to treat us like human beings.

Now I know killing even one CEO can be a major undertaking. You have to get a van. You have to put newspaper down. You have to get rid of the body after. But if you really want it, and if you really believe in what you’re doing, you can make it happen. And afterwards you will feel a sense of accomplishment. It will be good for everyone. Sure it may not be popular with everyone afterwards, but a lot of people will be secretly happy. Especially if the asshole you killed mismanaged funds or got a huge bonus or stole from the company. I mean everyone steals paper and pens and paper clips, but when you steal lots of money, well, someone should kill you for it.

In conclusion, in solidarity, I hope you will seriously consider joining us on our venture to wipe out the money grubbing rich people and I hope you will continue until we are all treated fairly and equitably. Then and only then can the revolution end.

Sincerely, The Fat Cat Killers

Category: Play Role: Steve From: Fat Cat Killers

Steve says

Thanks for seeing me. I know there’s some restructuring going on and I just wanted to introduce myself and let you know that if any managerial positions that come open … well I’d be interested in moving up, if um, there is a position you think I might be right for.

So, anyway, hi. I’m Steve. Hi. I know you want to know if as Steve, I am being the best Steve I can be. The answer is yes. Sometimes. The answer is Yes, Sometimes. I don’t want to say it’s hard to be Steve. It’s easier than being some people I’m sure. But no, am I happy? I’m not so sure I’m happy. I’m not sure that Steve is as Steve can be. But I think with more responsibility and more . . . more money, I can be a better Steve, a more productive maybe Steve, but also a more well rounded Steve. I think in my new life I will be a Steve who perhaps learns to play the electric guitar or rides his bicycle everywhere. I will be maybe a Steve who paints large murals maybe on the side of buildings maybe with neighborhood children. I may not know how to do this right now but that does not mean that it is something I cannot do. I mean the jury is still out for what I am capable of. Which is why I think you need to give me a chance to show you how capable I am. I’m already someone who, you know packs his lunch at least two or three times a week. It’s true there are mornings when it’s harder to get up and sometimes I get a late start and there’s traffic or there was an accident or something and maybe I’m late, but remember how I was always fifteen minutes early when I first started working here? For like two years I was fifteen minutes early and it’s true I don’t actually do a lot at my desk these days. I kind of put off the work and no one seems to notice so I guess that’s an okay thing to do. Not that it should be, but, you know, it is.

There are days I go without doing anything. Weeks sometimes. Although I do answer emails. Sometimes the answer is no, but I’m always sure to type that before I hit send. But really, if given the chance, if given reason and money I guess I could be very good at a job that’s a little more important, a job that’s worthwhile. A job that’s not a waste of time like my current job. I mean when I’m actually doing it– It’s a waste of time when I actually do it. But when I’m not doing it, it’s because it’s a waste of time. I do spend a lot of time writing letters. People like my letters. Many of them have been published in newspapers. And I put them all on my blog which is becoming more and more popular. And I read a lot now. Online. At my desk. And I watch a lot of short videos. It’s, I mean, it’s not ideal. I’m bored a lot and I feel the weight of the work I’m not doing. It’s piling up and no one realizes it but me. And I could do some of it maybe but then I would have to look at the whole big pile of it and that might be too overwhelming. Why doesn’t it stop? I mean does it ever stop actually, the work, or does it just keep coming forever? I could take my vacation but when I come back, there will be even more work to do. I mean, let me be clear, if I move on to this new job I will get all that work done. I’ll buckle down and do it. Or I’ll train someone else to do it. But I don’t want you to judge my work ethic on now, because now is a limbo time when I’m never given anything relevant or important or interesting. When I move up, well then that will be a different story.

I can look out the window and answer the phone and make decisions and then I could maybe even buy an apartment after a while, because of the money. So in closing, I am very skilled in very many things and I think you will find I have good management skills and I am competent and I’m becoming sort of a well known blogger and letter writer. Thank you for your time and for considering helping me to be a better version of Steve. I can shine if you let me shine. (STEVE starts to leave, then remembers something and returns.) Oh, also I do have a Bachelors in individualized study. That’s on my resume, right? Okay. Thanks. (This time he really leaves)