Mallrats Monologues

Mallrats (Brodie Bruce)

Doesn’t matter, it can’t happen. It’s impossible. Lois could never have Superman’s baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes can handle the sperm? I guarantee he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it’s strong enough to carry his child? He’s an alien, for Chrissake. His Kyrptonian biological makeup is enhanced by earth’s yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan, the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a kryptonite condom. That would kill him.

Mallrats (Brodie Bruce)

One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his ass. True story. He bought it at the local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarassing for my relatives and all. But the next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with a trip to the emergency room. Then, last week, I saw him in the pet store. He was buying another cat! I said, “Walt, what the hell are you doing, you know you’re just gonna get this cat stuck up your ass too, why don’t you knock it off?” And he says to me, “Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?” My cousin was a weird guy.

Mallrats (Brodie Bruce)

One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his ass. True story. He bought it at the local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarassing for my relatives and all. But the next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with a trip to the emergency room. Then, last week, I saw him in the pet store. He was buying another cat! I said, “Walt, what the hell are you doing, you know you’re just gonna get this cat stuck up your ass too, why don’t you knock it off?” And he says to me, “Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?” My cousin was a weird guy.