Clueless Monologues

Clueless (Cher)

CHER: My birthday”s in April. As someone who”s older can I give you some advice? I mean, I don”t want to sound all judgmental and all, but it”s one thing to spark up a doobie and get laced at parties, it”s quite another to be fried at school all day. The loadies generally hang in the stairwell over there. Sometimes they get to class and say bonehead things and we all laugh of course. But no respectable girl actually dates them. I don”t mean to be harsh, but you don”t want to start off on the wrong foot, do you? That”s Alana”s group over there. They all do the T.V. station and they think that”s the most important thing on earth… our school has its own channel throughout Beverly Hills… You like working on T.V. stations? Then forget them, they just hang by themselves… There”s the “Persian Mafia”, you can”t hang with them unless you own a B.M.W… And there”s the “Crew”. The choicest males at our school. If you make the decision to date a high school boy, those are the only acceptable ones. Hey, I”ve got a great idea! Let”s do a makeover!More Monologues from “Clueless”

Clueless (Travis)

TRAVIS: Thank you, thank-you. This is so unexpected. I didn”t even have a speech prepared… But I would like to say this… tardiness is not something you can do all on your own. Many, many people had to contribute. I”d like to thank my parents for never driving me to school and the L.A. bus drivers for taking a chance on an unknown kid and last, but not least, the wonderful crew at McDonald”s for the long hours they spend making Egg McMuffins, without which I might never be tardy. Thank you.More Monologues from “Clueless”

Clueless (Cher Horowitz)

So, OK, like right now, for example, the Haitians need to come to America. But some people are all, “What about the strain on our resources?” But it’s like, when I had this garden party for my father’s birthday right? I said R.S.V.P. because it was a sit-down dinner. But people came that like, did not R.S.V.P. so I was like, totally bugging. I had to haul ass to the kitchen, redistribute the food, squish in extra place settings, but by the end of the day it was like, the more the merrier! And so, if the government could just get to the kitchen, rearrange some things, we could certainly party with the Haitians. And in conclusion, may I please remind you that it does not say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of Liberty?

Clueless (Cher)

CHER: Don”t sell yourself short, now you”ve got something going for you that no one else at Beverly has. I mean “mystery”. As far as everyone”s concerned you were the most popular girl in your school. Everyone”s curious, and the fact that you hang with De and me… You have to take advantage of this window of opportunity. Let”s see… who”s available? Brandon, Bronson… Oh! I got it! Elton”s single now. He just broke up with Valette. He was in debate with us. He did the in favor of animal testing speech. In fact, I noticed him scoping you out. Tscha! In fact, he said you gave him a toothache. It”s an expression. It means he thinks you”re sweet.More Monologues from “Clueless”

Clueless (Tai)

TAI: I”m glad you”re here. There”s something I want to do and I”d like it if you were there with me. This is stupid junk that… reminded me of Elton that I thought I”d save forever. But now I want to burn it cause I am so over him. O.K. remember when we were at the Val party and the clog knocked me out and he got a towel of ice to cure me? Well, I didn”t tell you but I took the towel for a souvenir. Then once my pen ran out and I borrowed one from him. And remember the song playing when we danced? “Hip Hop Hurray”. I got the tape and listened to it every night. It”s like, once you know someone who is so much better than someone you think you liked then that someone starts seem like nuthin compared to the other one, ya know? Look, you”ve got to help me get Josh. You know what I mean… I tried to fight it but I just can”t. He”s the only guy I ever really cared about. I know it”s impossible, but you keep saying “Carpe Diem” and you”re so smart at this stuff. Anyway, I lost five pounds. I passed the driver”s test, I”ve been totally straight, I feel good about myself and like I deserve a guy I love. It”s all because of you. You”ve been such a good friend. College guys like less make up and he told me to read “Beyond Good And Evil” but it”s too confusing so I”ll get the Cliff”s notes.More Monologues from “Clueless”

Clueless (Cher)

CHER: So, O.K., like the Haitians need to come to America but some people are all, “What about the sprain on our resources?” And it”s like, when I had this garden party for my father”s birthday and it”s all catered, you know, I said “R.S.V.P.” because it”s a sit down dinner. O.K.? People come that like, didn”t R.S.V.P.! And I”m buggin”. I have to haul ass to the kitchen, re-distribute the food and like squish in extra place-settings and people are on mismatched chairs and all. But by the end of the day it was like “the more, the merrier”. And so if the government could just get to the kitchen and re-arrange some things we could certainly party with Haitians. And in conclusion, may I remind you that it doesn”t say “R.S.V.P.” on the Statue of Liberty.More Monologues from “Clueless”

Clueless (Cher)

CHER: Don”t sell yourself short, now you”ve got something going for you that no one else at Beverly has. I mean “mystery”. As far as everyone”s concerned you were the most popular girl in your school. Everyone”s curious, and the fact that you hang with De and me… You have to take advantage of this window of opportunity. Let”s see… who”s available? Brandon, Bronson… Oh! I got it! Elton”s single now. He just broke up with Valette. He was in debate with us. He did the in favor of animal testing speech. In fact, I noticed him scoping you out. Tscha! In fact, he said you gave him a toothache. It”s an expression. It means he thinks you”re sweet.More Monologues from “Clueless”