Clerks Monologues

Clerks (Chewlies Gum Representative)

You’re spending what? Twenty, maybe thirty dollars a week on your cigarettes? Fifty-three dollars a week on cigarettes! Come on! Would you give somebody that much money each week to kill you? ‘Cause that’s what you’re doing now, by paying for this so-called privilege to smoke… It’s that kinda mentality that allows the cancer-producing industry to thrive. ‘Course we’re all gonna die some day. But do we have to pay for it? Do we have to actually throw hard-earned dollars down on the counter and say, ‘Please Mr. Merchant-of-Death, sir, please, sell me something that’ll stink up my breath and my clothes and fry my lungs’? …Yeah. Yeah, and now here comes the speech about how he’s just doing his job by following orders. Friends, let me tell you about another group of hate mongers that were just following orders. They were called Nazis!…Yeah, and they practically wiped an entire nation of people off the Earth just like your cigarettes are doing now.

Clerks (Jay)

I feel good today, Silent Bob, we’re gonna make some money, then you know what we’re going to do? We’re gonna go to that party, we’re gonna get some pussy, and I’m gonna fuck this bitch, I’ll fuck this bitch, I’ll fuck anything that moves! … Yo, what the fuck you lookin’ at? I’ll kick your fuckin’ ass! Shit yeah. … Doesn’t that mother fucker owe me 10 bucks? You know, fuckin’ tonight, we’re gonna rip off this fucker’s head, and tear out his fuckin’ soul. Remind me if he tries to buy something, I’m gonna shit in the motherfucker’s bag. … Hey, what’s up babes? What’s up, sluts?