3 Best Steve Martin Monologues – Opening Monologue

The Jerk (Navin R. Johnson)

Category: Movie Role: Navin R. Johnson From: The Jerk

Well, I’m gonna go then. And I don’t need any of this! I don’t need this stuff, and I don’t need you. I don’t need anything … except this, this ashtray, and that’s the only thing I need, is this. I don’t need this or this. Just this ashtray. And this paddle game, the ashtray and the paddle game and that’s all I need. And this remote control. The ashtray, the paddle game and the remote control, and that’s all I need. And these matches. The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control and the paddle ball. And this lamp. The ashtray, this paddle game and the remote control and the lamp and that’s all I need. And that’s all I need, too. I don’t need one other thing, not one – I need this! The paddle game, and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches, for sure. Well, what are you looking at? What do you think I am, some kind of a jerk or something? And this! And that’s all I need. The ashtray, the remote control, the paddle game, this magazine and the chair…I don’t need one other thing, except my dog. I don’t need my dog.

Roxanne (C.D. Charlie Bales)

Category: Movie Role: C.D. Charlie Bales From: Roxanne

Alright. Alright, twenty something betters. Here goes. Uh, start with obvious: Excuse me, is that your nose or did a bus park on your face? Meteorological: Everybody take cover, she’s going to blow! Fashionable: You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore something larger, like Wyoming. Personal: Well, here we are, just the three of us. Punctual: Alright, Delmond your nose was on time, but you were fifteen minutes late! Envious: Oooh, I wish I was you! Gosh, to be able to smell your own ear! Naughty: Uh, pardon me, sir, some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn’t mind putting that thing away. Philosophical: You know it’s not the size of a nose that’s important; it’s what’s in it that matters! Humorous: Laugh, and the world laughs with you, sneeze and its goodbye Seattle! Commercial: Hi, I’m Earl Shive and I can paint that nose for $39.95! Polite: Uh, would mind not bobbing your head, the, uh, orchestra keeps changing tempo. Melodic: Everybody! He’s got the whole world in his nose. Sympathetic: Aw, what happened, did your parents lose a bet with God? Complimentary: You must love the little birdies to give them this to perch on. Scientific: Say, does that thing there influence the tides? Obscure: Whoof, I’d hate see the grindstone. Think about it. Inquiring: When you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid? French: Say, the pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you leave! Pornographic: Finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once! How many is that?… Alright, alright. Religious: The Lord giveth, and he just kept on giving, didn’t he? Disgusting: Say, who mows your nose-hair? Paranoid: Keep that guy away from my cocaine! Aromatic: It must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the coffee in Brazil. Appreciative: Oooh how original! Most people just have their teeth capped! Alright. Alright. Dirty: Your name wouldn’t be Dick, would it?

L.A. Story (Harris K. Telemacher)

Category: Movie Role: Harris K. Telemacher From: L.A. Story

I’ve been thinking about myself and I think I can become the kind of person that’s worth staying for. First of all I’m a man who can cry. Now it’s true it’s usually when I’ve hurt myself but it’s a start. You see, I know there is something that will make you stay. I know it. I see you play the tuba I sensed that about you. There is some move I could make, the right word, attitude, plan, but these are all tricks; these are just things I would think up and try. But let’s forgo that. Let’s assume that whatever that thing is, that whatever it is that you secretly know would make you stay, has occurred, that it has happened, that my hand has already gone down your throat and grabbed your heart and squeezed it.