Stanley Kubrick Monologues
Wendy, let me explain something to you. Whenever you come in here and interrupt me, you’re breaking my concentration. You’re distracting me. And it will then take me time to get back to where I was. Understand? I’m gonna make a new rule. Whenever I’m in here, and you hear me typing, whether you don’t hear me typing, whatever the fuck you hear me doing in here, when I’m in here, that means that I am working. That means don’t come in. Now do you think you can handle that? Why don’t you start right now and get the fuck out of here?
Did your parents have any children that lived? I bet they regret that. You’re so ugly you could be a modern art masterpiece! What’s your name, fat body?Lawrence? Lawrence what, of Arabia? That name sounds like royalty. Are you royalty? Do you suck dicks? Bullshit. I’ll bet you could suck a golf ball through a garden hose. I don’t like the name Lawrence. Only faggots and sailors are called Lawrence. From now on, you’re Gomer Pyle. Do you think I’m cute, Private Pyle? Do you think I’m funny? Then wipe that disgusting grin off your face. Well, any fucking time, sweetheart!… Private Pyle, I’m gonna give you three seconds, exactly three fucking seconds to wipe that stupid-lookin’ grin off your face or I will gouge out your eyeballs and skull fuck you! One! Two! Three!…Bullshit, get on your knees, scumbag. Now choke yourself. Goddamn it, with my hand, numbnuts! Don’t pull my fuckin’ hand over there! I said choke yourself. Now lean forward and choke yourself. Are you through grinning?…Bullshit, I can’t hear you…Bullshit, I still can’t hear you. Sound off like you’ve got a pair…That’s enough. Get on your feet! Private Pyle, you had best square your ass away and start shitting me Tiffany cufflinks or I will definitely fuck you up.
Flush out your headgear new guy. You think we waste gooks for freedom? This is a slaughter. If I’m gonna get my balls blown off for a word, my word is poontang.
Do you remember last summer at Cape Cod? Do you remember one night in the dining room, there was this young naval officer and he was sitting near our table with two other officers? The waiter brought him a message during dinner, at which point he left, nothing rings a bell? Well, I first saw him that morning in the lobby. He was checking into the hotel and he was following the bellboy with his luggage to the elevator. He glanced at me as he walked past, just a glance, nothing more. And I could hardly move. That afternoon Helena went to the movie with her friend and you and I made love and we made plans about our future and we talked about Helena and yet at no time was he ever out of my mind. And I thought that if he wanted me, even if it was only for one night, I was ready to give up everything. You, Helena, my whole fucking future, everything. And yet it was weird because at the same time, you were dearer to me than ever, and at that moment my love for you was both tender and sad. I barely slept that night. I woke up the next morning in a panic. I don’t know if I was afraid that he had left or that he might still be there. But by dinner I realized he was gone. And I was relieved.
Now look, boys. I ain’t much of a hand at makin’ speeches. But I got a pretty fair idea that somethin’ doggone important is goin’ on back there. And I got a fair idea of the kind of personal emotions that some of you fellas may be thinkin’. Heck, I reckon you wouldn’t even be human beins if you didn’t have some pretty strong personal feelings about nuclear combat. I want you to remember one thing: the folks back home is a-countin’ on ya, and by golly, we ain’t about to let ’em down. Tell ya somethin’ else. If this thing turns out to be half as important as I figure it just might be, I’d say that you’re all in line for some important promotions an’ personal citations when this thing’s over with. That goes for every last one of ya, regardless of your race, color, or your creed. Now, let’s get this thing on the hump. We got some flyin’ to do.
Hello? … Ah … I can’t hear too well. Do you suppose you could turn the music down just a little? … Oh-ho, that’s much better. … yeah … huh … yes … Fine, I can hear you now, Dmitri. … Clear and plain and coming through fine….I’m coming through fine, too, eh? … Good, then … well, then, as you say, we’re both coming through fine. … Good. … Well, it’s good that you’re fine and … and I’m fine. … I agree with you, it’s great to be fine. … a-ha-ha-ha-ha … Now then, Dmitri, you know how we’ve always talked about the possibility of something going wrong with the Bomb. …The Bomb, Dmitri…. The hydrogen bomb! … Well now, what happened is … ah … one of our base commanders, he had a sort of … well, he went a little funny in the head … you know … just a little … funny. And, ah … he went and did a silly thing. … Well, I’ll tell you what he did. He ordered his planes … to attack your country… Ah… Well, let me finish, Dmitri. … Let me finish, Dmitri. … Well listen, how do you think I feel about it?! …Can you imagine how I feel about it, Dmitri? … Why do you think I’m calling you? Just to say hello? … Of course I like to speak to you! … Of course I like to say hello! … Not now, but anytime, Dmitri. I’m just calling up to tell you something terrible has happened… It’s a friendly call. Of course it’s a friendly call. … Listen, if it wasn’t friendly … you probably wouldn’t have even got it. … They will *not* reach their targets for at least another hour. … I am … I am positive, Dmitri. … Listen, I’ve been all over this with your ambassador. It is not a trick. … Well, I’ll tell you. We’d like to give your air staff a complete run-down on the targets, the flight plans, and the defensive systems of the planes. … Yes! I mean if we’re unable to recall the planes, then … I’d say that, ah … well, ah … we’re just gonna have to help you destroy them, Dmitri. … I know they’re our boys. … All right, well listen now. Who should we call? …Who should we call, Dmitri? The … wha, the People… you, sorry, you faded away there…. The People’s Central Air Defense Headquarters. … Where is that, Dmitri? … In Omsk. Right? … Yes. …Oh, you’ll call them first, will you? … Uh-hu … Listen, do you happen to have the phone number on you, Dmitri? … Whe-ah, what? I see, just ask for Omsk information. …Ah-ah-eh-uhm-hm … I’m sorry, too, Dmitri. …I’m very sorry. … All right, you’re sorrier than I am, but I am as sorry as well. … I am as sorry as you are, Dmitri! Don’t say that you’re more sorry than I am, because I’m capable of being just as sorry as you are. … So we’re both sorry, all right?! … All right.
And viddy films I would. Where I was taken to, Brothers, was like no cine I ever viddied before. I was bound up in a strait jacket and my Gulliver was strapped to a headrest with like wires running away from it. Then they clamped like lid locks on my eyes so that I could not shut them no matter how hard I tried. It seemed a bit crazy to me but I let them get on with it. If I was to be a free young malchick again in a fortnight’s time I would put up with much in the meantime, O my Brothers. … So far the first film, was a very good professional piece of cine. Like it was done in Hollywood. The sounds were real horror show, you could slooshie the screams and moans very realistic. You could even get the heavy breathing and panting of the tolchcoking malchicks at the same time. And then what do you know, soon our dear old friend the red red vino on tap. The same in all places, like it was put out by the same big firm, began to flow. It was beautiful. It’s funny how the colors of the real world only seem really real when you viddy them on the screen. Now all the time I was watching this, I was beginning to get very aware of like not feeling all that well. And this this I put down to all the rich food and vitamins. But I tried to forget this, concentrating on the next film which jumped right away on a young devotchka who was being given the old in-out, in-out. First by one malchick, then another, then another. When it came to the sixth or seventh malchick leering and smecking and going into it, I began to feel really sick. But I could not shut me glassies and even if I tried to move my glassballs about, I still not get out of the line of fire of this picture. I’m going to be sick! Get something for me to be sick in!
Open the pod bay doors please HAL. Open the pod bay doors please HAL. Hello HAL do you read me? Hello HAL do you read me? Do you read me HAL? … What’s the problem?