2 Best Scott Rosenberg Monologues

You’re both fucking insane. You wanna know what your problem is? MTV, Playboys, and Madison fucking Avenue. Yes. Let me explain something to you okay? Girls with big tits have big asses, girls with little tits have little asses. That’s the way it goes. God doesn’t fuck around, he’s a fair guy. He gave the fatties big, beautiful tits, and the skinnies little, tiny niddlers. It’s not my rule. If you don’t like it, call Him. Hey Mitch. Thank you. Oh guys, look what we have here. Look at this, your favorite. Oh, you like that? Yeah, that’s nice, right? Well, it doesn’t exist, okay? Look at the hair. The hair is long, it’s flowing, it’s like a river. Well, it’s a fucking weave, okay? And the tits. Please, I could hang my overcoat on them. Tits, by design, were intended to be suckled by babies. Yes, they’re purely functional. These are silicone city. And look, my favorite, the shaved pubis. Pubic hair being so unruly and all. Very keen. This is a mockery, this is a sham, this is bullshit. Implants, collagen, plastics, capped teeth, the fat sucked out, the hair extended, the nose fixed, the bush, these are not real women, alright? They’re beauty freaks. And they make all us normal women with our wrinkles, our puckered boobs, hi Bob, our cellulite, seem somehow inadequate. Well, I don’t buy it, alright? What you fuckin mooks, you think is that there’s a chance in hell that you’ll end up with one of these women you don’t give us real women anything approaching a commitment. It’s pathetic. I don’t know what you think you’re going to do. You’re going to end up 80 years old, drooling in some nursing home, and then you’ll decide that it’s time to settle down, get married, have kids? What are you going to do find a cheerleader? Charge it, Mitch. Oh, eat me. Look at Paul, with his models on the wall, his dog named Elle Macpherson. He’s insane! He’s obsessed. You’re all obsessed. If you had an ounce of self-esteem, of self-worth, of self-confidence, you would realize that as trite as it may sound: beauty is truly skin deep. And you know what? If you ever did hook one of those girls, I guarantee you’d be sick of her. Get over yourself. … No matter how perfect the nipple, how supple the thigh, unless there’s some other shit going on in the relationship besides physical, it’s gonna get old, okay? And you guys, as a gender, have got to get a grip, otherwise the future of the human race is in jeopardy.