6 Best Kevin Smith Monologues – Opening Monologue

Mallrats (Brodie Bruce)

Category: Movie Role: Brodie Bruce From: Mallrats

Doesn’t matter, it can’t happen. It’s impossible. Lois could never have Superman’s baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes can handle the sperm? I guarantee he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it’s strong enough to carry his child? He’s an alien, for Chrissake. His Kyrptonian biological makeup is enhanced by earth’s yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan, the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a kryptonite condom. That would kill him.

Mallrats (Brodie Bruce)

Category: Movie Role: Brodie Bruce From: Mallrats

One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his ass. True story. He bought it at the local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarassing for my relatives and all. But the next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with a trip to the emergency room. Then, last week, I saw him in the pet store. He was buying another cat! I said, “Walt, what the hell are you doing, you know you’re just gonna get this cat stuck up your ass too, why don’t you knock it off?” And he says to me, “Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?” My cousin was a weird guy.

Dogma (Bethany Sloane)

Category: Movie Role: Bethany Sloane From: Dogma

I remember the exact moment. I was on the phone with my mother and she was trying to council me through this thing and nothing she was saying was making me feel any better and she said, “Bethany….God has a plan.” I was so angry with her. I was, like, “What about my plans?”, you know? I had planned to have a family, with my husband, wasn’t that plan good enough for God? … Apparently not. I hate thoughts like that, but you know, they come to you with age. When you’re a kid, you never question the whole faith thing. Nope. God’s in Heaven, and He’s…She’s…always got Her eye on you. I would give anything to feel that way again.

Chasing Amy (Alyssa Jones)

Category: Movie Role: Alyssa Jones From: Chasing Amy

No! I used them! You don’t think I would’ve let it happen if I hadn’t wanted it to, do you? I was an experimental girl, for Christ’s sake! Maybe you knew early on that your track was from point A to B, but unlike you, I wasn’t given a fucking map at birth, so I tried it all! That is until we, that’s you and I, got together, and suddenly, I was sated. Can’t you take some comfort in that? You turned out to be all I was ever looking for, the missing piece in the big fucking puzzle! Look I’m sorry I let you believe that you were the only guy I’d ever been with. I should’ve been more honest. But it seemed to make you feel special in a way that me telling you over and over again how incredible you are would never get across. Do you mean to tell me that while you have zero problem with me sleeping with half the women in New York city you have some sort of half-assed mealy-mouthed objection to pubescent antics that took place almost ten years ago? What the fuck is your problem?

Clerks (Chewlies Gum Representative)

Category: Movie Role: Chewlies Gum Representative From: Clerks

You’re spending what? Twenty, maybe thirty dollars a week on your cigarettes? Fifty-three dollars a week on cigarettes! Come on! Would you give somebody that much money each week to kill you? ‘Cause that’s what you’re doing now, by paying for this so-called privilege to smoke… It’s that kinda mentality that allows the cancer-producing industry to thrive. ‘Course we’re all gonna die some day. But do we have to pay for it? Do we have to actually throw hard-earned dollars down on the counter and say, ‘Please Mr. Merchant-of-Death, sir, please, sell me something that’ll stink up my breath and my clothes and fry my lungs’? …Yeah. Yeah, and now here comes the speech about how he’s just doing his job by following orders. Friends, let me tell you about another group of hate mongers that were just following orders. They were called Nazis!…Yeah, and they practically wiped an entire nation of people off the Earth just like your cigarettes are doing now.

Clerks (Jay)

Category: Movie Role: Jay From: Clerks

I feel good today, Silent Bob, we’re gonna make some money, then you know what we’re going to do? We’re gonna go to that party, we’re gonna get some pussy, and I’m gonna fuck this bitch, I’ll fuck this bitch, I’ll fuck anything that moves! … Yo, what the fuck you lookin’ at? I’ll kick your fuckin’ ass! Shit yeah. … Doesn’t that mother fucker owe me 10 bucks? You know, fuckin’ tonight, we’re gonna rip off this fucker’s head, and tear out his fuckin’ soul. Remind me if he tries to buy something, I’m gonna shit in the motherfucker’s bag. … Hey, what’s up babes? What’s up, sluts?