His Luck (Jean)
Jean says
Unhappy? Yes, I have been outrageously unhappy! Years of it! Sharp arrows and poisoned wine. I wanted to die…. You read a play Strindberg, and you say it’s very strong, very artistic, but all the while you believe it is only the nightmare of a diseased mind. It’s just a play& mdashyou shut the book and return to “real” life, thankfully. Well, the Strindberg play has been my real life, and real life my play, my impossible dream. You can’t imagine how terrifying it is to feel the situation develop around you. Two bodies caught naked in an endless wilderness of thorns. Every movement one makes to free the other only wounds him the more. Two souls, each innocent and aspiring, bound together serpents, like the Laocoon…. It is one of those things that are absolutely impossible … and yet true. We had the deepest respect and admiration for one another, but somehow we never walked in step. His emotion repressed mine, my emotion repressed his. Sometimes one was the slave, sometimes the other. We couldn’t both be free at the same time. There was always something to hide, to be afraid of…. Not words nor acts, but moods. It passed over from one soul to the other like invisible rays. And we couldn’t separate. That was part of it. We just went on and on….