The Producers Monologues

The Producers (Leo Bloom)

I would like to say something your honor, not on my behalf, but in reference to my partner, Mr. Bialystock, your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Max Bialystock is the most selfish man I ever met in my life. Not only is he liar, and a cheat and a scoundrel, and a crook, who has taken money from little old ladies, he has also talked people into doing things, especially me, that they would never in a thousand years had dreamed of doing. But, your honor, as I understand it the law was created to protect people from being wronged. Your honor, whom has Max Bialystock wronged? I mean, whom has he really hurt? Not me. Not me. I was, this man no one ever called me Leo before. I mean, I know it’s not a big legal point, but even in kindergarten they used to call me Bloom. I never sang a song before. I mean with someone else, I never sang a song with someone else before. This man, this man, this is a wonderful man. He made me what I am today…he did. And what of the dear ladies? What would their lives have been without Max Bialystock? Max Bialystock, who made them feel young, and attractive, and wanted again. That’s all I have to say.

The Producers (Max Bialystock)

How humiliating. Max Bialystock. Max Bialystock. You know who I used to be? Max Bialystock! King of Broadway! Six shows running at once! Lunch at Delmonico’s. $200 suits. You see this? This once held a pearl as big as your eye! Look at me now. Look at me now!! I’m wearing a cardboard belt! I used to have thousands of investors begging, pleading to put their money in a Max Bialystock production. Look at my investors now. Voila! Hundreds of little old ladies stopping off at Max Bialystock’s office to grab a last thrill on the way to the cemetery! You have exactly 10 seconds to change that look of disgusting pity into one of enormous respect. One, two… Do the books. Do the books…Window’s so filthy, can’t tell whether it’s day or night out there. … That’s it, baby! When you got it, flaunt it. Flaunt It!