Captain Fantastic Monologues

Captain Fantastic (Ben)

BEN: All this time you”ve been deceiving me. I allowed you to go to the library and you were sneaking around behind my back, taking the SATs, contacting and applying to universities. We”re not an accredited home-school, but secretly, you filled out these applications, you got your work approved, you managed to create acceptable transcripts. All without my knowledge or approval. I don”t know what”s more impressive. The fact that you got into all these schools. Or that for months, you were lying directly to my face! You speak four languages. High math! Theoretical physics! What are they going to teach you there?More Monologues from “Captain Fantastic”

Captain Fantastic (Ben)

BEN: I”ll take that as my cue, if I may. First off, Leslie practiced Buddhism. Which, to her, was a philosophy and not an organized religion. In fact, Leslie abhorred organized religion, thought it the single most dangerous fairy-tale ever invented, used to strike fear and obedience into the hearts of the innocent and uninformed. She saw it not just as a source of injustice, but as a crime against humanity. To her – the only thing worse than death would have been the knowledge that her rotting flesh was to be trapped for all eternity in a box in the middle of a f – golf course. (At this, there are audible GASPS from the congregation. Jack pushes his way out of the pew and whispers to some ushers in black suits.) Though the absurdity of being eulogized by someone who didn”t even know her has exactly the kind of comedic flourish that she would have cherished. (Ben looks at his kids. They nod at him, encouraging him to continue.) If nothing else. Leslie had a sense of humor. (He takes a piece of paper from his jacket.) I want to read you all something. So you know what I mean. I found this after her death. It”s Leslie”s Will. And I quote, “In the event of her death, Leslie Abigail Cash, as a Buddhist, wishes to be cremated. Her funeral, such as it is, shall be a celebration of the life-cycle, with music and dancing. After, it is her expressed desire that her ashes shall be taken to a nondescript location, preferably public and heavily populated so as to be utterly unremarkable. At which point her ashes, promptly and unceremoniously, are to be flushed down the nearest toilet.” End quote. Now THAT”s comedy.More Monologues from “Captain Fantastic”

Captain Fantastic (Rellian)

RELLIAN: She wanted to be flushed down the toilet. Dad MADE her crazy. That”s why she killed herself. She wanted to leave. She didn”t want to live in the forest anymore. Dad is dangerous. Mom had psychotic episodes. She had hallucinations. Of smashing our heads in. With rocks. I heard them talking about it. You think you know everything. You think our lives are so great. You think Dad is perfect! Nana and Grandpa”s lives. They”re much better.Rell turns and races back toward the RV Camp.More Monologues from “Captain Fantastic”

Rell turns and races back toward the RV Camp.More Monologues from “Captain Fantastic”

Captain Fantastic (Zaja)

ZAJA: You will always be my mommy. And I will never forget you and I will remember you every second of every day of my life. And when you burn up, only calcium, potassium, magnesium and trace element compounds will remain. And as your ashes mix with water and decomposing plants, you will be carbonates and oxides. You will be liming agents, raising pH, and neutralize acid in the earth and you”ll make the soil happy. So things can grow. And I love you forever.More Monologues from “Captain Fantastic”

Captain Fantastic (Ben)

BEN: I”ll take that as my cue, if I may. First off, Leslie practiced Buddhism. Which, to her, was a philosophy and not an organized religion. In fact, Leslie abhorred organized religion, thought it the single most dangerous fairy-tale ever invented, used to strike fear and obedience into the hearts of the innocent and uninformed. She saw it not just as a source of injustice, but as a crime against humanity. To her – the only thing worse than death would have been the knowledge that her rotting flesh was to be trapped for all eternity in a box in the middle of a f – golf course. (At this, there are audible GASPS from the congregation. Jack pushes his way out of the pew and whispers to some ushers in black suits.) Though the absurdity of being eulogized by someone who didn”t even know her has exactly the kind of comedic flourish that she would have cherished. (Ben looks at his kids. They nod at him, encouraging him to continue.) If nothing else. Leslie had a sense of humor. (He takes a piece of paper from his jacket.) I want to read you all something. So you know what I mean. I found this after her death. It”s Leslie”s Will. And I quote, “In the event of her death, Leslie Abigail Cash, as a Buddhist, wishes to be cremated. Her funeral, such as it is, shall be a celebration of the life-cycle, with music and dancing. After, it is her expressed desire that her ashes shall be taken to a nondescript location, preferably public and heavily populated so as to be utterly unremarkable. At which point her ashes, promptly and unceremoniously, are to be flushed down the nearest toilet.” End quote. Now THAT”s comedy.More Monologues from “Captain Fantastic”