About Schmidt Monologues

About Schmidt (Ray Nichols)

RAY NICHOLS: Hey, Warren, how do you feel about these young punks taking over our jobs? They shoved me out the door three years ago. Looks like some kind of conspiracy to me! (Everyone laughs affectionately. Ray stands) Now I”ve known Warren here probably longer than most of you have been alive. Warren and I go way back, waaaaaay back to the horse and buggy days at Mutual. But that”s ancient history. We were good friends not only at work but also out on the golf course and on fishing trips up at my cabin in Minnesota. And what I want to say to you publicly, Warren, so that all these young hotshots can hear, is that the gold watch there doesn”t mean a god – thing.And this dinner doesn”t mean a god – thing, and the social security and pension don”t mean a god – thing. None of these super-fishy-alities mean a god – thing. What means something, what really means something, Warren… (Ray takes a dramatic, drunken pause) What really means something is the knowledge that you devoted your entire life to something meaningful – to being productive and working for a fine company – hell, one of the biggest insurance carriers in the nation… (Ray counts on his fingers and at one point counts the same finger twice) …to raising a fine family, to building a fine home, to being respected by your community and having some wonderful, loyal friendships.At the end of his career, if a man can look back and say, “I did it. I did my job,” he can retire in peace and glory and enjoy riches far beyond the monetary kind. So all you young people here, here”s a role model. Right here. I want you to take a good look at a very rich man.More Monologues from “About Schmidt”

And this dinner doesn”t mean a god – thing, and the social security and pension don”t mean a god – thing. None of these super-fishy-alities mean a god – thing. What means something, what really means something, Warren… (Ray takes a dramatic, drunken pause) What really means something is the knowledge that you devoted your entire life to something meaningful – to being productive and working for a fine company – hell, one of the biggest insurance carriers in the nation… (Ray counts on his fingers and at one point counts the same finger twice) …to raising a fine family, to building a fine home, to being respected by your community and having some wonderful, loyal friendships.At the end of his career, if a man can look back and say, “I did it. I did my job,” he can retire in peace and glory and enjoy riches far beyond the monetary kind. So all you young people here, here”s a role model. Right here. I want you to take a good look at a very rich man.More Monologues from “About Schmidt”

At the end of his career, if a man can look back and say, “I did it. I did my job,” he can retire in peace and glory and enjoy riches far beyond the monetary kind. So all you young people here, here”s a role model. Right here. I want you to take a good look at a very rich man.More Monologues from “About Schmidt”

About Schmidt (Roberta Hertzel)

You already know how famously they get along as friends, but did you know that their sex life is positively white hot? The main reason both of my marriages failed was sexual. I’m an extremely sexual person, I can’t help it, it just how I’m wired, you know, even when I was a little girl. I had my first orgasm when I was 6 in ballet class. Anyway, the point is that I have been always very easily aroused and very orgasmic, Jeannie and I have a lot in common that way. Clifford and Larry, they were nice guys, but they just could not keep up with me. Anyway, I don’t want to betray Jeannie’s confidence, but let me just assure you that whatever problems those two kids may run into along the way, they will always be able to count on what happens between the sheets to keep them together. More soup?

About Schmidt (Roberta Talks About Randall)

ROBERTA: Larry is like a little boy. Ever since our divorce, he thinks the only way he can get my attention is to cause a fuss. I understand it. I do. I feel sorry for him. I just… My first husband was the same way.It lasted nineteen months. He turned into a real horse”s ass.But I”m sure things will be different for Jeannie and Randall. Now Randall – he really knows how to treat a woman. Honestly, don”t you think Randall is something special?You know, when I had my hysterectomy, that boy did not leave my side for one minute. Not one minute. People used to raise their eyebrows because I nursed him until he was almost five, but I think the results speak for themselves. I raised a very sensitive, devoted boy who has turned into a sensitive, devoted man. And he”s also quite easy on the eye, if I do say so myself. Don”t you agree?More Monologues from “About Schmidt”

It lasted nineteen months. He turned into a real horse”s ass.But I”m sure things will be different for Jeannie and Randall. Now Randall – he really knows how to treat a woman. Honestly, don”t you think Randall is something special?You know, when I had my hysterectomy, that boy did not leave my side for one minute. Not one minute. People used to raise their eyebrows because I nursed him until he was almost five, but I think the results speak for themselves. I raised a very sensitive, devoted boy who has turned into a sensitive, devoted man. And he”s also quite easy on the eye, if I do say so myself. Don”t you agree?More Monologues from “About Schmidt”

But I”m sure things will be different for Jeannie and Randall. Now Randall – he really knows how to treat a woman. Honestly, don”t you think Randall is something special?You know, when I had my hysterectomy, that boy did not leave my side for one minute. Not one minute. People used to raise their eyebrows because I nursed him until he was almost five, but I think the results speak for themselves. I raised a very sensitive, devoted boy who has turned into a sensitive, devoted man. And he”s also quite easy on the eye, if I do say so myself. Don”t you agree?More Monologues from “About Schmidt”

You know, when I had my hysterectomy, that boy did not leave my side for one minute. Not one minute. People used to raise their eyebrows because I nursed him until he was almost five, but I think the results speak for themselves. I raised a very sensitive, devoted boy who has turned into a sensitive, devoted man. And he”s also quite easy on the eye, if I do say so myself. Don”t you agree?More Monologues from “About Schmidt”

About Schmidt (Roberta)

ROBERTA: Don”t lie to me. Jeannie told us all about your little panic attack last night. And I don”t blame you. It”s a perfectly natural reaction. In the beginning I had my own reservations. After all, as the veteran of two failed marriages, I have learned a lot about what works and does not work between two people. And knowing what I know, and having seen the kids together much more than you have, I can tell you they are in very good shape. They have a very healthy relationship – spiritually, emotionally and physically. I”m not sure how much Jeannie has really told you about her relationship with Randall – I understand she was closer with her mother. But Jeannie and I have grown very close. She confides in me. And, well, you already know how famously they get along as friends. But what you may not know is that their intimate life is positively white hot.The principal reason that both my marriages failed was physical. I am an extremely sexual person. I can”t help it – that”s just how I”m wired. Even when I was a little girl. Most people find this hard to believe, but I had my first org – when I was six. In ballet class.Anyway, suffice it to say I”ve always been very easily aroused, and Jeannie and I have a lot in common that way. The point is that neither Cliff nor Larry could keep up with me. As much as I tried to understand it and as much as I valued the companionship, it became an insurmountable problem. Now I don”t want to betray Jeannie”s confidence, but I can assure you that she and Randall are not going to run into those kinds of difficulties. They may have other problems along the way, but they will always have their sexual life to fall back on. More soup?More Monologues from “About Schmidt”

The principal reason that both my marriages failed was physical. I am an extremely sexual person. I can”t help it – that”s just how I”m wired. Even when I was a little girl. Most people find this hard to believe, but I had my first org – when I was six. In ballet class.Anyway, suffice it to say I”ve always been very easily aroused, and Jeannie and I have a lot in common that way. The point is that neither Cliff nor Larry could keep up with me. As much as I tried to understand it and as much as I valued the companionship, it became an insurmountable problem. Now I don”t want to betray Jeannie”s confidence, but I can assure you that she and Randall are not going to run into those kinds of difficulties. They may have other problems along the way, but they will always have their sexual life to fall back on. More soup?More Monologues from “About Schmidt”

Anyway, suffice it to say I”ve always been very easily aroused, and Jeannie and I have a lot in common that way. The point is that neither Cliff nor Larry could keep up with me. As much as I tried to understand it and as much as I valued the companionship, it became an insurmountable problem. Now I don”t want to betray Jeannie”s confidence, but I can assure you that she and Randall are not going to run into those kinds of difficulties. They may have other problems along the way, but they will always have their sexual life to fall back on. More soup?More Monologues from “About Schmidt”

About Schmidt (Warren R. Schmidt)

I didn’t get much sleep last night, so forgive me if I’m a little foggy. But you know, today is a special day. We’re here to mark a crossroads in the lives of two people. A crossroads where they come together and now walk along a new road. It’s not the same road that they were on before. It’s a new road. A road that, um … As many of you know, I lost my wife recently. And Jeannie lost her mother. Helen and I were married 42 years. She died very suddenly. I know we all wish she could be with us today, and I think it would be appropriate to acknowledge just how pleased she was that Jeannie had found someone to share her life with. A companion. A partner… That brings me to what I really want to say. What I want to say, what I really want to say is, uh… Thank you, to you, Randall, for taking such good care of my daughter especially recently with our loss. Ever since I arrived here a couple of days ago, I have so enjoyed getting to know Jeannie’s new family… Everybody else, terrific people. Terrific. And in conclusion, I just want to say on this special day, this very special day, that I am very pleased.