Comedic Monologues

Finding a solid comedic monologue is no walk in the park. You want to make sure you find one that plays to your strengths and puts you in the best position to succeed.

Whether you’re looking to nail that audition or just better your craft, we’ve compiled the best list of comedic monologues suitable for males and females.

We constantly are updating this list, however, there might be others in our database that we’ve left out, so feel free to search at the top of this page by actor, film, or play. 

Quick tips for selecting a  Comedic monologue:

  • Find a monologue that plays to your strengths
  • Find a monologue that suits the role you want
  • Find a monologue that WOW’s you the first time you read it

MIKE: You know, Stan, I feel sorry for you. (Mike speaks loudly now, playing to the cafeteria.) Oh but I do. All too well. You”re the man. Captain of the basketball team. Dates the pretty girls. High school is your kingdom. But, People, Stan”s a bully. Why? It would be way too easy to say Stan preys on the weak because he”s simply a dick. No, Stan”s more complex than that. According to leading psychiatrists Stan is a bully for 1 of 3 reasons. 1, under all that male bravado there”s an insecure little girl banging on the closet door trying to get out. 2, like a caveman, Stan”s brain is underdeveloped. Therefore Stan is unable to use self-control so he acts out aggressively. And the third reason – I”d argue that Stan suffers from all 3.

NICK: Stop! Just don”t come any closer. I”m gonna give you the short version of an incredibly complicated and f – up situation, so please be cool. (beat) Some very bad guys strapped a bomb to my chest and they are forcing me to commit a crime. I wish I was joking, but I”m not. I know it”s a lot to swallow, but you gotta take it on face value, because there”s a timer attached to this thing and it”s counting down. I didn”t come here for help. I”m taking care of it. I came here because, should things not work out today as I would like them to, I want you to know why I was doing the things I did. (struggling) Do you remember when you found that picture in my car of you, me and Chet, with Chet cut out of it? I need you to remember about the picture, and about how I stop by your office every Friday, and how I”ve always hated all your boyfriends, and how the two girls I”ve ever seriously dated have looked like less attractive versions of you. Do you see where I”m going with this? I love you Kate. I have for a very long time.I”m sorry to do this to you, but I was afraid I”d never get the chance to tell you. And I know you have feelings for me, too. Maybe you feel for me the way you feel for a good friend, or – if the world f – hates me – a brother. But what I hope is that you don”t really know how you feel for me, and that maybe when you figure it out you”ll realize it”s the same way I feel for you. Does that make any sense?More Monologues from “30 Minutes or Less”

I”m sorry to do this to you, but I was afraid I”d never get the chance to tell you. And I know you have feelings for me, too. Maybe you feel for me the way you feel for a good friend, or – if the world f – hates me – a brother. But what I hope is that you don”t really know how you feel for me, and that maybe when you figure it out you”ll realize it”s the same way I feel for you. Does that make any sense?More Monologues from “30 Minutes or Less”

HENRY: My grandparents. He was a political prisoner in Argentina. She was a human rights observer sent to interview him. When it was time for her to leave, he asked if he could look at her face for a while so that he would have something beautiful to remember in the long months ahead. He stared at her for a whole hour.One year later, she went back for a second interview. He reached under his bunk and he showed her a little chip of wood. On this chip he had laboriously painted my grandmother”s face, using ashes mixed with water for ink, and his own hair as a paintbrush. He did it from memory, but it was a perfect likeness of her. She looked at it, and then she looked at him. The moment their eyes met, they fell in love.For the next three years, they were allowed to see each other only once a year for two hours. But they wrote the most incredible, passionate letters every day, and they really made those two hours count. Thanks to her efforts, my grandfather was finally released, and they moved to the U.S. But every year, to this day, they spend a couple of weeks apart and then when they miss each other so much they can”t stand it, they meet in a tiny hotel room for exactly two hours and re-live the passion of their youth.I embellished a little. They met in a donut shop.

One year later, she went back for a second interview. He reached under his bunk and he showed her a little chip of wood. On this chip he had laboriously painted my grandmother”s face, using ashes mixed with water for ink, and his own hair as a paintbrush. He did it from memory, but it was a perfect likeness of her. She looked at it, and then she looked at him. The moment their eyes met, they fell in love.For the next three years, they were allowed to see each other only once a year for two hours. But they wrote the most incredible, passionate letters every day, and they really made those two hours count. Thanks to her efforts, my grandfather was finally released, and they moved to the U.S. But every year, to this day, they spend a couple of weeks apart and then when they miss each other so much they can”t stand it, they meet in a tiny hotel room for exactly two hours and re-live the passion of their youth.I embellished a little. They met in a donut shop.

For the next three years, they were allowed to see each other only once a year for two hours. But they wrote the most incredible, passionate letters every day, and they really made those two hours count. Thanks to her efforts, my grandfather was finally released, and they moved to the U.S. But every year, to this day, they spend a couple of weeks apart and then when they miss each other so much they can”t stand it, they meet in a tiny hotel room for exactly two hours and re-live the passion of their youth.I embellished a little. They met in a donut shop.

I embellished a little. They met in a donut shop.

PAUL: You son of a bitch. The same girl you”d been obsessing over for weeks now? The same girl you said was way out of your league and you wouldn”t have a chance with. That girl? Did you bang her? Blow job? Hand job? Come on, level with me. As your best friend, who tolerated all this talk… Summer this, Summer that, Summer Summer Summer, I mean you were practically stalking her…Suddenly, the sound of a toilet flushing is heard. From the bathroom emerges Summer, dressed to go out.Oh. Summer, wow that an unusual name. Tom, how come you”ve never mentioned you knew such a lovely little lady? (off Tom”s nasty look) Or perhaps you have and I”ve just forgot. I mean, with all the women in Tom”s life it”s hard to keep track… (not helping) Ok, well, I was just… I”m Paul. (not sure what else to say) I”m a doctor. Anyway, I”m leaving now. Pretend I was never here.More Monologues from “500 Days of Summer”

Suddenly, the sound of a toilet flushing is heard. From the bathroom emerges Summer, dressed to go out.Oh. Summer, wow that an unusual name. Tom, how come you”ve never mentioned you knew such a lovely little lady? (off Tom”s nasty look) Or perhaps you have and I”ve just forgot. I mean, with all the women in Tom”s life it”s hard to keep track… (not helping) Ok, well, I was just… I”m Paul. (not sure what else to say) I”m a doctor. Anyway, I”m leaving now. Pretend I was never here.More Monologues from “500 Days of Summer”

Oh. Summer, wow that an unusual name. Tom, how come you”ve never mentioned you knew such a lovely little lady? (off Tom”s nasty look) Or perhaps you have and I”ve just forgot. I mean, with all the women in Tom”s life it”s hard to keep track… (not helping) Ok, well, I was just… I”m Paul. (not sure what else to say) I”m a doctor. Anyway, I”m leaving now. Pretend I was never here.More Monologues from “500 Days of Summer”

TOM: I don”t know. It”s not that simple. Like, are we “going steady?” Come on, guys. We”re adults. We know how we feel. We don”t need to label it. “Boyfriend, girlfriend.” That stuff is very… juvenile. Ok. Number one. Your last girlfriend was Amy Sussman in the 7th grade and you “dated” for an hour. And you… you”ve been with Robyn and no one else since you were ten. I hardly think you two are the authorities on modern relationships. “Why rock the boat?” is what I”m thinking. Things are going well. If we start putting labels on it, that”s like the kiss of death. Like saying to a girl “I love you.”More Monologues from “500 Days of Summer”

Ok. Number one. Your last girlfriend was Amy Sussman in the 7th grade and you “dated” for an hour. And you… you”ve been with Robyn and no one else since you were ten. I hardly think you two are the authorities on modern relationships. “Why rock the boat?” is what I”m thinking. Things are going well. If we start putting labels on it, that”s like the kiss of death. Like saying to a girl “I love you.”More Monologues from “500 Days of Summer”

“Why rock the boat?” is what I”m thinking. Things are going well. If we start putting labels on it, that”s like the kiss of death. Like saying to a girl “I love you.”More Monologues from “500 Days of Summer”

TOM: I don”t know. It”s not that simple. Like, are we “going steady?” Come on, guys. We”re adults. We know how we feel. We don”t need to label it. “Boyfriend, girlfriend.” That stuff is very… juvenile. Ok. Number one. Your last girlfriend was Amy Sussman in the 7th grade and you “dated” for an hour. And you… you”ve been with Robyn and no one else since you were ten. I hardly think you two are the authorities on modern relationships. “Why rock the boat?” is what I”m thinking. Things are going well. If we start putting labels on it, that”s like the kiss of death. Like saying to a girl “I love you.”More Monologues from “500 Days of Summer”

Ok. Number one. Your last girlfriend was Amy Sussman in the 7th grade and you “dated” for an hour. And you… you”ve been with Robyn and no one else since you were ten. I hardly think you two are the authorities on modern relationships. “Why rock the boat?” is what I”m thinking. Things are going well. If we start putting labels on it, that”s like the kiss of death. Like saying to a girl “I love you.”More Monologues from “500 Days of Summer”

“Why rock the boat?” is what I”m thinking. Things are going well. If we start putting labels on it, that”s like the kiss of death. Like saying to a girl “I love you.”More Monologues from “500 Days of Summer”

DORALEE: What! You”ve been telling everyone I”m sleeping with you! That explains why everyone”s been treating me like a dime store floozy! They all think I”m banging the boss! And you love it, don”t you. It gives you some sort of cheap thrill, like knocking over pencils and picking up papers. I”ve put up with your grabbing and chasing me around the desk, “cause I need this job, but this is the last straw! I”ve got a gun out there in my purse and up to now I”ve been forgiving and forgetting “cause that”s the way I was brought up but I swear, if you say another word about me, I”ll get that gun of mine. And I”ll change you from a rooster to a hen with one shot!More Monologues from “9 to 5”

HART: Now this is what I”m talking about. You”re not bad looking for a gal with a little tread worn off her tires. I mean that. Sincerely. Come on, Violet, Franklin Hart knows the value of each girl who has the privilege to serve under him.Now… Let me tell you my philosophy of business, Julie. In a word: Teamwork. Everyone pulling together. It”s a shame, and I have always said this, that you girls don”t have the experience growing up playing football or baseball because that”s where you learn that a chain is only as strong as its weakest link. If we all work together we can cut the balls off our competition and be sitting pretty on top of the hill.You see that, Violet? That”s the attitude I”m looking for. I”m trying to explain to Jody here… how we”re all a team and right away you”re not there for the handoff! I expect an employee, especially one who wants to be promoted to management, to show a little flexibility and cooperation. You savvy? Now be a good girl and get my coffee. No sugar, just some Skinny “N Sweet.More Monologues from “9 to 5”

Now… Let me tell you my philosophy of business, Julie. In a word: Teamwork. Everyone pulling together. It”s a shame, and I have always said this, that you girls don”t have the experience growing up playing football or baseball because that”s where you learn that a chain is only as strong as its weakest link. If we all work together we can cut the balls off our competition and be sitting pretty on top of the hill.You see that, Violet? That”s the attitude I”m looking for. I”m trying to explain to Jody here… how we”re all a team and right away you”re not there for the handoff! I expect an employee, especially one who wants to be promoted to management, to show a little flexibility and cooperation. You savvy? Now be a good girl and get my coffee. No sugar, just some Skinny “N Sweet.More Monologues from “9 to 5”

You see that, Violet? That”s the attitude I”m looking for. I”m trying to explain to Jody here… how we”re all a team and right away you”re not there for the handoff! I expect an employee, especially one who wants to be promoted to management, to show a little flexibility and cooperation. You savvy? Now be a good girl and get my coffee. No sugar, just some Skinny “N Sweet.More Monologues from “9 to 5”

VIOLET: You gave that promotion to Bob Enright instead of me? I trained him for God”s sake! Oh, so it”s the old boys club. I”m going, but before I do, I have one more thing to say. Don”t you ever refer to me as your “girl” again. I am no girl. I am a woman. W-O-M-Y-N! I”m not your wife, your mother or your mistress. I”m your employee and I expect to be treated equally, with a little dignity and a little respect! Oh, come off it, Doralee. Everyone knows you and Mr. Hart are having an affair.More Monologues from “9 to 5”

VIOLET: You gave that promotion to Bob Enright instead of me? I trained him for God”s sake! Oh, so it”s the old boys club. I”m going, but before I do, I have one more thing to say. Don”t you ever refer to me as your “girl” again. I am no girl. I am a woman. W-O-M-Y-N! I”m not your wife, your mother or your mistress. I”m your employee and I expect to be treated equally, with a little dignity and a little respect! Oh, come off it, Doralee. Everyone knows you and Mr. Hart are having an affair.More Monologues from “9 to 5”

VIOLET: Oh, it”s no use, we might as well come clean; he”s going to get us anyway. But before we get arrested and spend the next thirty years in prison, making pen pals in Nebraska, I want to say a few things: This place was hell until we fixed it.Beat. SHE looks at HART, quietly furious and growing stronger and more certain.We all do the work of keeping things running around here as best we can, Mr. Tinsworthy, not him. He plays golf and drinks scotch and takes the credit. Any why? “Cause he”s “The Guy”.No, you wait a minute! I”ve been waiting my whole life! See – we”re not The Guy. We”re just the “Little Guy”. The little guy doesn”t play golf… he plays catch up. The little guy is late picking the kids up from school because of work – and late getting to work because of the kids. The little guy cooks and coaches ball and balances budgets and squeezes a dollar as far as it can go, and works her ass off, and if that doesn”t qualify her to be heard and seen and respected, well WHAT DOES?And so, yeah, we kidnapped Mr. Hart and threw him in the back of my Buick… We tried to make everything better and now he”s going to get all the credit and we”re gonna get ten to life.More Monologues from “9 to 5”

Beat. SHE looks at HART, quietly furious and growing stronger and more certain.We all do the work of keeping things running around here as best we can, Mr. Tinsworthy, not him. He plays golf and drinks scotch and takes the credit. Any why? “Cause he”s “The Guy”.No, you wait a minute! I”ve been waiting my whole life! See – we”re not The Guy. We”re just the “Little Guy”. The little guy doesn”t play golf… he plays catch up. The little guy is late picking the kids up from school because of work – and late getting to work because of the kids. The little guy cooks and coaches ball and balances budgets and squeezes a dollar as far as it can go, and works her ass off, and if that doesn”t qualify her to be heard and seen and respected, well WHAT DOES?And so, yeah, we kidnapped Mr. Hart and threw him in the back of my Buick… We tried to make everything better and now he”s going to get all the credit and we”re gonna get ten to life.More Monologues from “9 to 5”

We all do the work of keeping things running around here as best we can, Mr. Tinsworthy, not him. He plays golf and drinks scotch and takes the credit. Any why? “Cause he”s “The Guy”.No, you wait a minute! I”ve been waiting my whole life! See – we”re not The Guy. We”re just the “Little Guy”. The little guy doesn”t play golf… he plays catch up. The little guy is late picking the kids up from school because of work – and late getting to work because of the kids. The little guy cooks and coaches ball and balances budgets and squeezes a dollar as far as it can go, and works her ass off, and if that doesn”t qualify her to be heard and seen and respected, well WHAT DOES?And so, yeah, we kidnapped Mr. Hart and threw him in the back of my Buick… We tried to make everything better and now he”s going to get all the credit and we”re gonna get ten to life.More Monologues from “9 to 5”

No, you wait a minute! I”ve been waiting my whole life! See – we”re not The Guy. We”re just the “Little Guy”. The little guy doesn”t play golf… he plays catch up. The little guy is late picking the kids up from school because of work – and late getting to work because of the kids. The little guy cooks and coaches ball and balances budgets and squeezes a dollar as far as it can go, and works her ass off, and if that doesn”t qualify her to be heard and seen and respected, well WHAT DOES?And so, yeah, we kidnapped Mr. Hart and threw him in the back of my Buick… We tried to make everything better and now he”s going to get all the credit and we”re gonna get ten to life.More Monologues from “9 to 5”

And so, yeah, we kidnapped Mr. Hart and threw him in the back of my Buick… We tried to make everything better and now he”s going to get all the credit and we”re gonna get ten to life.More Monologues from “9 to 5”

Earnest Young Woman says

No. I’ll read it to you.

(She opens it and reads mournfully)

“My darling, Shan’t be able to call for you at the theater tonight. Urgent business. A thousand apologies. Ten thousand kisses. Alfred.” I found it on his desk this morning. He probably intended to send it to the theater messenger. But he forgot it. And I opened it.

(She weeps.)

Why mustn’t I? You steal my husband and I mustn’t cry! Oh, I know how little it means to you. And how easy it is for you. One night you dress like a royal princess, and the next night you undress like a Greek goddess. You blacken your eyebrows and redden your lips and wax your lashes and paint your face. You have cosmetics and bright lights to make you seem beautiful. An author’s lines to make you seem witty and wise. No wonder a poor, simple-minded lawyer falls in love with you. What chance have I against you in my cheap little frock, my own lips and eyebrows, my own unstudied ways? I don’t know how to strut and pose and lure a man. I haven’t got Mr. Shakespeare to write beautiful speeches for me. In reality you may be more stupid than I am, but I admit that when it comes to alluring men I am no match for you.

Famous Actress says

My dear, if you knew how often we actresses meet this sort of thing! It is perfectly clear that your husband has been playing a little comedy to make you jealous, to revive your interest in him. It happens to every actress who is moderately pretty and successful. It is one of the oldest expedients in the world, and we actresses are such conspicuous targets for it! There is scarcely a man connected with the theater who doesn’t make use of us in that way some time or another–authors, composers, scene designers, lawyers, orchestra leaders, even the managers themselves. To regain a wife or sweetheart’s affections all they need to do is invent a love affair with one of us. The wife is always so ready to believe it. Usually we don’t know a thing about it. But even when it is brought to our notice we don’t mind so much. At least we have the consolation of knowing that we are the means of making many a marriage happy which might otherwise have ended in the divorce court.

Famous Actress says

My dear, if you knew how often we actresses meet this sort of thing! It is perfectly clear that your husband has been playing a little comedy to make you jealous, to revive your interest in him. It happens to every actress who is moderately pretty and successful. It is one of the oldest expedients in the world, and we actresses are such conspicuous targets for it! There is scarcely a man connected with the theater who doesn’t make use of us in that way some time or another–authors, composers, scene designers, lawyers, orchestra leaders, even the managers themselves. To regain a wife or sweetheart’s affections all they need to do is invent a love affair with one of us. The wife is always so ready to believe it. Usually we don’t know a thing about it. But even when it is brought to our notice we don’t mind so much. At least we have the consolation of knowing that we are the means of making many a marriage happy which might otherwise have ended in the divorce court.

Famous Actress says

There, dear, you mustn’t apologize. You couldn’t know, of course. It seems so plausible. You fancy your husband in an atmosphere of perpetual temptation, in a backstage world full of beautiful sirens without scruples or morals. One actress, you suppose, is more dangerous than a hundred ordinary women. You hate us and fear us. None understands that better than your husband, who is evidently a very cunning lawyer. And so he plays on your fear and jealousy to regain the love you deny him. He writes a letter and leaves it behind him on the desk. Trust a lawyer never to do that unintentionally. He orders flowers for me telephone in the morning and probably cancels the order the moment he reaches his office. the way, hasn’t he a lock of my hair? Yes. They bribe my hair-dresser to steal from me. It is a wonder I have any hair left at all.

Helena says

Lo, she is one of this confederacy!
Now I perceive they have conjoin’d all three
To fashion this false sport, in spite of me.
Injurious Hermia! most ungrateful maid!
Have you conspired, have you with these contrived
To bait me with this foul derision?
Is all the counsel that we two have shared,
The sisters’ vows, the hours that we have spent,
When we have chid the hasty-footed time
For parting us,–O, is it all forgot?
All school-days’ friendship, childhood innocence?
We, Hermia, like two artificial gods,
Have with our needles created both one flower,
Both on one sampler, sitting on one cushion,
Both warbling of one song, both in one key,
As if our hands, our sides, voices and minds,
Had been incorporate. So we grow together,
Like to a double cherry, seeming parted,
But yet an union in partition;
Two lovely berries moulded on one stem;
So, with two seeming bodies, but one heart;
Two of the first, like coats in heraldry,
Due but to one and crowned with one crest.
And will you rent our ancient love asunder,
To join with men in scorning your poor friend?
It is not friendly, ’tis not maidenly:
Our sex, as well as I, may chide you for it,
Though I alone do feel the injury.

Helena says

Call you me fair? that fair again unsay.
Demetrius loves your fair: O happy fair!
Your eyes are lode-stars; and your tongue’s sweet air
More tuneable than lark to shepherd’s ear,
When wheat is green, when hawthorn buds appear.
Sickness is catching: O, were favour so,
Yours would I catch, fair Hermia, ere I go;
My ear should catch your voice, my eye your eye,
My tongue should catch your tongue’s sweet melody.
Were the world mine, Demetrius being bated,
The rest I’d give to be to you translated.
O, teach me how you look, and with what art
You sway the motion of Demetrius’ heart.

Helena says

How happy some o’er other some can be!
Through Athens I am thought as fair as she.
But what of that? Demetrius thinks not so;
He will not know what all but he do know:
And as he errs, doting on Hermia’s eyes,
So I, admiring of his qualities:
Things base and vile, folding no quantity,
Love can transpose to form and dignity:
Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind;
And therefore is wing’d Cupid painted blind:
Nor hath Love’s mind of any judgement taste;
Wings and no eyes figure unheedy haste:
And therefore is Love said to be a child,
Because in choice he is so oft beguiled.
As waggish boys in game themselves forswear,
So the boy Love is perjured every where:
For ere Demetrius look’d on Hermia’s eyne,
He hail’d down oaths that he was only mine;
And when this hail some heat from Hermia felt,
So he dissolved, and showers of oaths did melt.
I will go tell him of fair Hermia’s flight:
Then to the wood will he to-morrow night
Pursue her; and for this intelligence
If I have thanks, it is a dear expense:
But herein mean I to enrich my pain,
To have his sight thither and back again.

Helena says

O, I am out of breath in this fond chase!
The more my prayer, the lesser is my grace.
Happy is Hermia, wheresoe’er she lies;
For she hath blessed and attractive eyes.
How came her eyes so bright? Not with salt tears:
If so, my eyes are oftener wash’d than hers.
No, no, I am as ugly as a bear;
For beasts that meet me run away for fear:
Therefore no marvel though Demetrius
Do, as a monster fly my presence thus.
What wicked and dissembling glass of mine
Made me compare with Hermia’s sphery eyne?
But who is here? Lysander! on the ground!
Dead? or asleep? I see no blood, no wound.
Lysander if you live, good sir, awake

Hermia says

Now I but chide; but I should use thee worse,
For thou, I fear, hast given me cause to curse,
If thou hast slain Lysander in his sleep,
Being o’er shoes in blood, plunge in the deep,
And kill me too.
The sun was not so true unto the day
As he to me: would he have stolen away
From sleeping Hermia? I’ll believe as soon
This whole earth may be bored and that the moon
May through the centre creep and so displease
Her brother’s noontide with Antipodes.
It cannot be but thou hast murder’d him;
So should a murderer look, so dead, so grim.

Oberon says

I pray thee, give it me.
I know a bank where the wild thyme blows,
Where oxlips and the nodding violet grows,
Quite over-canopied with luscious woodbine,
With sweet musk-roses and with eglantine:
There sleeps Titania sometime of the night,
Lull’d in these flowers with dances and delight;
And there the snake throws her enamell’d skin,
Weed wide enough to wrap a fairy in:
And with the juice of this I’ll streak her eyes,
And make her full of hateful fantasies.
Take thou some of it, and seek through this grove:
A sweet Athenian lady is in love
With a disdainful youth: anoint his eyes;
But do it when the next thing he espies
May be the lady: thou shalt know the man
the Athenian garments he hath on.
Effect it with some care, that he may prove
More fond on her than she upon her love:
And look thou meet me ere the first cock crow.

Oberon says

That very time I saw, but thou couldst not,
Flying between the cold moon and the earth,
Cupid all arm’d: a certain aim he took
At a fair vestal throned the west,
And loosed his love-shaft smartly from his bow,
As it should pierce a hundred thousand hearts;
But I might see young Cupid’s fiery shaft
Quench’d in the chaste beams of the watery moon,
And the imperial votaress passed on,
In maiden meditation, fancy-free.
Yet mark’d I where the bolt of Cupid fell:
It fell upon a little western flower,
Before milk-white, now purple with love’s wound,
And maidens call it love-in-idleness.
Fetch me that flower; the herb I shew’d thee once:
The juice of it on sleeping eye-lids laid
Will make or man or woman madly dote
Upon the next live creature that it sees.
Fetch me this herb; and be thou here again
Ere the leviathan can swim a league.

Puck says

My mistress with a monster is in love.
Near to her close and consecrated bower,
While she was in her dull and sleeping hour,
A crew of patches, rude mechanicals,
That work for bread upon Athenian stalls,
Were met together to rehearse a play
Intended for great Theseus’ nuptial-day.
The shallowest thick-skin of that barren sort,
Who Pyramus presented, in their sport
Forsook his scene and enter’d in a brake
When I did him at this advantage take,
An ass’s nole I fixed on his head:
Anon his Thisbe must be answered,
And forth my mimic comes. When they him spy,
As wild geese that the creeping fowler eye,
Or russet-pated choughs, many in sort,
Rising and cawing at the gun’s report,
Sever themselves and madly sweep the sky,
So, at his sight, away his fellows fly;
And, at our stamp, here o’er and o’er one falls;
He murder cries and help from Athens calls.
Their sense thus weak, lost with their fears
thus strong,
Made senseless things begin to do them wrong;
For briers and thorns at their apparel snatch;
Some sleeves, some hats, from yielders all
things catch.
I led them on in this distracted fear,
And left sweet Pyramus translated there:
When in that moment, so it came to pass,
Titania waked and straightway loved an ass.

Titania says

These are the forgeries of jealousy:
And never, since the middle summer’s spring,
Met we on hill, in dale, forest or mead,
paved fountain or rushy brook,
Or in the beached margent of the sea,
To dance our ringlets to the whistling wind,
But with thy brawls thou hast disturb’d our sport.
Therefore the winds, piping to us in vain,
As in revenge, have suck’d up from the sea
Contagious fogs; which falling in the land
Have every pelting river made so proud
That they have overborne their continents:
The ox hath therefore stretch’d his yoke in vain,
The ploughman lost his sweat, and the green corn
Hath rotted ere his youth attain’d a beard;
The fold stands empty in the drowned field,
And crows are fatted with the murrion flock;
The nine men’s morris is fill’d up with mud,
And the quaint mazes in the wanton green
For lack of tread are undistinguishable:
The human mortals want their winter here;
No night is now with hymn or carol blest:
Therefore the moon, the governess of floods,
Pale in her anger, washes all the air,
That rheumatic diseases do abound:
And thorough this distemperature we see
The seasons alter: hoary-headed frosts
Far in the fresh lap of the crimson rose,
And on old Hiems’ thin and icy crown
An odorous chaplet of sweet summer buds
Is, as in mockery, set: the spring, the summer,
The childing autumn, angry winter, change
Their wonted liveries, and the mazed world,
their increase, now knows not which is which:
And this same progeny of evils comes
From our debate, from our dissension;
We are their parents and original.

Francis says

I will tell you his object, Mrs. Stanton. As you may possibly have heard, I am an industrious and painstaking person. I work hard and live plainly, and the exercise of those gifts which heaven has been pleased to grant me, I have accumulated a fortune–some would call it a large fortune; I merely call it a fortune. I daresay I am worth a hundred thousand pounds. Now you might imagine that, possessing this and a clear conscience, I am happy.

But there is another and darker side to the picture which I am endeavouring to paint, Mrs. Stanton. I am cursed, continually cursed, in spite of what George is pleased to consider my advanced age, with an impulse–the impulse of unrestrained generosity. Acting under this impulse, about six months ago, when George imparted to me the information that–er–he, that Ada–when, I say, George, imparted to me the information, I said: “George, if your child is a boy, I will settle ten thousand on him.”

You see boys are so helpless. A boy can’t marry a rich husband; can’t make his own clothes; can’t, if the worst comes to the worst, go out as mother’s help–that is why I said, “if it is a boy I will settle ten thousand pounds on your child.” I was under no obligation to make the offer. I acted more from impulse, the impulse of absurd generosity.

And how does George repay me? lying to me, and, what is worse, getting his sister to lie to me. In order to obtain a paltry ten thousand pounds he is willing to stain his honour with a lie. Bah! You, Mrs. Stanton, with characteristic insight and common-sense, have at once put your finger on the most despicable aspect of this painful affair.

The lie was useless, futile, silly.

George says

Strain! If you knew the strain I’ve been bearing for months past!

Haven’t you noticed the dark rings under my eyes, the unnatural brightness of my orbs, the hectic flush on my cheeks, the bald spot on the back of my head?

Strain!… My dear sister, I have a secret and terrible woe — a woe which, with courage worthy of an Englishman and a parent, I have shared with none.

May, I am undone! I feared it. I have feared it for many weeks.

Listen. Five or six months ago, Uncle Francis said that if it was a son, he would settle ten thousand pounds upon it.

And if a daughter? He coldly declined to consider the possibility of such a thing.

You know the special brand of ass he is sometimes. I said nothing to anybody, not even to my wife, for I felt that it would worry her. Imagine my condition of mind, my agonising suspense.

Do you wonder that I have been wakeful night after night?

Do you wonder that, from pure weariness and fatigue, I should fall asleep on this very afternoon of my undoing? Oh, May! To be a father is not so simple and pleasing as the superficial observer might fancy.

Helen says

George Gower, does it not occur to you that these terrible oaths are sadly out of place?

Recollect that as a father you are considerably less than a day old. Blasphemy from lips so young is an instance of infant depravity, such as even I, a district visitor, have seldom seen surpassed.

Our curate at Ealing has composed a special form of prayer for young parents.

I have brought it over with me, and I shall ask you to — to make it your own.

In the meantime I beg you not to disgrace the sacred name of father. Think of poor, dear Ada. Ah, my darling sister has behaved splendidly! Think of what she has been through!

Gerald says

Mother, how changeable you are! You don’t seem to know your own mind for a single moment. An hour and a half ago in the Drawing-room you agreed to the whole thing; now you turn round and make objections, and try to force me to give up my one chance in life. Yes, my one chance. You don’t suppose that men like Lord Illingworth are to be found every day, do you, mother? It is very strange that when I have had such a wonderful piece of good luck, the one person to put difficulties in my way should be my own mother. Besides, you know, mother, I love Hester Worsley. Who could help loving her? I love her more than I have ever told you, far more. And if I had a position, if I had prospects, I could – I could ask her to – Don’t you understand now, mother, what it means to me to be Lord Illingworth’s secretary? To start like that is to find a career ready for one – before one – waiting for one. If I were Lord Illingworth’s secretary I could ask Hester to be my wife. As a wretched bank clerk with a hundred a year it would be an impertinence. Then I have my ambition left, at any rate. That is something – I am glad I have that! You have always tried to crush my ambition, mother – haven’t you? You have told me that the world is a wicked place, that success is not worth having, that society is shallow, and all that sort of thing – well, I don’t believe it, mother. I think the world must be delightful. I think society must be exquisite. I think success is a thing worth having. You have been wrong in all that you taught me, mother, quite wrong. Lord Illingworth is a successful man. He is a fashionable man. He is a man who lives in the world and for it. Well, I would give anything to be just like Lord Illingworth.

Hester says

We are trying to build up life, Lady Hunstanton, on a better, truer, purer basis than life rests on here. This sounds strange to you all, no doubt. How could it sound other than strange? You rich people in England, you don’t know how you are living. How could you know? You shut out from your society the gentle and the good. You laugh at the simple and the pure. Living, as you all do, on others and them, you sneer at self-sacrifice, and if you throw bread to the poor, it is merely to keep them quiet for a season. With all your pomp and wealth and art you don’t know how to live – you don’t even know that. You love the beauty that you can see and touch and handle, the beauty that you can destroy, and do destroy, but of the unseen beauty of life, of the unseen beauty of a higher life, you know nothing. You have lost life’s secret. Oh, your English society seems to me shallow, selfish, foolish. It has blinded its eyes, and stopped its ears. It lies like a leper in purple. It sits like a dead thing smeared with gold. It is all wrong, all wrong.

Mrs. Allon says

He should persistently compromise us in public, and treat us with absolute respect when we are alone. And yet he should be always ready to have a perfectly terrible scene, whenever we want one, and to become miserable, absolutely miserable, at a moment’s notice, and to overwhelm us with just reproaches in less than twenty minutes, and to be positively violent at the end of half an hour, and to leave us for ever at a quarter to eight, when we have to go and dress for dinner. And when, after that, one has seen him for really the last time, and he has refused to take back the little things he has given one, and promised never to communicate with one again, or to write one any foolish letters, he should be perfectly broken-hearted, and telegraph to one all day long, and send one little notes every half-hour a private hansom, and dine quite alone at the club, so that every one should know how unhappy he was. And after a whole dreadful week, during which one has gone about everywhere with one’s husband, just to show how absolutely lonely one was, he may be given a third last parting, in the evening, and then, if his conduct has been quite irreproachable, and one has behaved really badly to him, he should be allowed to admit that he has been entirely in the wrong, and when he has admitted that, it becomes a woman’s duty to forgive, and one can do it all over again from the beginning, with variations.

Mrs. Arbuthnot says

Gerald, there was a girl once, she was very young, she was little over eighteen at the time. George Harford – that was Lord Illingworth’s name then – George Harford met her. She knew nothing about life. He – knew everything. He made this girl love him. He made her love him so much that she left her father’s house with him one morning. She loved him so much, and he had promised to marry her! He had solemnly promised to marry her, and she had believed him. She was very young, and – and ignorant of what life really is. But he put the marriage off from week to week, and month to month. – She trusted in him all the while. She loved him. – Before her child was born – for she had a child – she implored him for the child’s sake to marry her, that the child might have a name, that her sin might not be visited on the child, who was innocent. He refused. After the child was born she left him, taking the child away, and her life was ruined, and her soul ruined, and all that was sweet, and good, and pure in her ruined also. She suffered terribly – she suffers now. She will always suffer. For her there is no joy, no peace, no atonement. She is a woman who drags a chain like a guilty thing. She is a woman who wears a mask, like a thing that is a leper. The fire cannot purify her. The waters cannot quench her anguish. Nothing can heal her! no anodyne can give her sleep! no poppies forgetfulness! She is lost! She is a lost soul! – That is why I call Lord Illingworth a bad man. That is why I don’t want my boy to be with him.

Mrs. Arbuthnot says

Gerald, there was a girl once, she was very young, she was little over eighteen at the time. George Harford – that was Lord Illingworth’s name then – George Harford met her. She knew nothing about life. He – knew everything. He made this girl love him. He made her love him so much that she left her father’s house with him one morning. She loved him so much, and he had promised to marry her! He had solemnly promised to marry her, and she had believed him. She was very young, and – and ignorant of what life really is. But he put the marriage off from week to week, and month to month. – She trusted in him all the while. She loved him. – Before her child was born – for she had a child – she implored him for the child’s sake to marry her, that the child might have a name, that her sin might not be visited on the child, who was innocent. He refused. After the child was born she left him, taking the child away, and her life was ruined, and her soul ruined, and all that was sweet, and good, and pure in her ruined also. She suffered terribly – she suffers now. She will always suffer. For her there is no joy, no peace, no atonement. She is a woman who drags a chain like a guilty thing. She is a woman who wears a mask, like a thing that is a leper. The fire cannot purify her. The waters cannot quench her anguish. Nothing can heal her! no anodyne can give her sleep! no poppies forgetfulness! She is lost! She is a lost soul! – That is why I call Lord Illingworth a bad man. That is why I don’t want my boy to be with him.

Mrs. Arbuthnot says

Men don’t understand what mothers are. I am no different from other women except in the wrong done me and the wrong I did, and my very heavy punishments and great disgrace. And yet, to bear you I had to look on death. To nurture you I had to wrestle with it. Death fought with me for you. All women have to fight with death to keep their children. Death, being childless, wants our children from us. Gerald, when you were naked I clothed you, when you were hungry I gave you food. Night and day all that long winter I tended you. No office is too mean, no care too lowly for the thing we women love – and oh! how I loved YOU. Not Hannah, Samuel more. And you needed love, for you were weakly, and only love could have kept you alive. Only love can keep any one alive. And boys are careless often and without thinking give pain, and we always fancy that when they come to man’s estate and know us better they will repay us. But it is not so. The world draws them from our side, and they make friends with whom they are happier than they are with us, and have amusements from which we are barred, and interests that are not ours: and they are unjust to us often, for when they find life bitter they blame us for it, and when they find it sweet we do not taste its sweetness with them . . . You made many friends and went into their houses and were glad with them, and I, knowing my secret, did not dare to follow, but stayed at home and closed the door, shut out the sun and sat in darkness. What should I have done in honest households? My past was ever with me. . . . And you thought I didn’t care for the pleasant things of life. I tell you I longed for them, but did not dare to touch them, feeling I had no right. You thought I was happier working amongst the poor. That was my mission, you imagined. It was not, but where else was I to go? The sick do not ask if the hand that smooths their pillow is pure, nor the dying care if the lips that touch their brow have known the kiss of sin. It was you I thought of all the time; I gave to them the love you did not need: lavished on them a love that was not theirs . . . And you thought I spent too much of my time in going to Church, and in Church duties. But where else could I turn? God’s house is the only house where sinners are made welcome, and you were always in my heart, Gerald, too much in my heart. For, though day after day, at morn or evensong, I have knelt in God’s house, I have never repented of my sin. How could I repent of my sin when you, my love, were its fruit! Even now that you are bitter to me I cannot repent. I do not. You are more to me than innocence. I would rather be your mother – oh! much rather! – than have been always pure . . . Oh, don’t you see? don’t you understand? It is my dishonour that has made you so dear to me. It is my disgrace that has bound you so closely to me. It is the price I paid for you – the price of soul and body – that makes me love you as I do. Oh, don’t ask me to do this horrible thing. Child of my shame, be still the child of my shame!

ERIC: This trip changed me, Brennan. It was revelatory. There I was, going from one incredible city to the next . . . the ruins, the cathedrals, the endless processions of art treasures. . . And I realized something. (beat) Screw the old world. I want the new world. And I want it now. Right now.I saw myself, five, six years from now, still dicking around, trying to “find myself”. But these are the years we can”t waste, Brennan. We”re young, we”re vital. Now”s my moment and I”m taking it.I”m going to Harvard Business. I”m in. Strings were pulled, wheels greased, destiny”s been set in motion.James, forget about the naive, utopian crap we used to talk about. The world has changed. It”s winner take-all. The great minds, the great artists of our time are the entrepreneurs. Society”s their canvass. (leaning closer) You”re a smart guy, Brennan. If you remain passive, just bumble along like you always do, you”ll be on the sidelines. You”ll just be commenting on the people who are doing.So, did you finally get laid this summer or what?More Monologues from “Adventureland”

I saw myself, five, six years from now, still dicking around, trying to “find myself”. But these are the years we can”t waste, Brennan. We”re young, we”re vital. Now”s my moment and I”m taking it.I”m going to Harvard Business. I”m in. Strings were pulled, wheels greased, destiny”s been set in motion.James, forget about the naive, utopian crap we used to talk about. The world has changed. It”s winner take-all. The great minds, the great artists of our time are the entrepreneurs. Society”s their canvass. (leaning closer) You”re a smart guy, Brennan. If you remain passive, just bumble along like you always do, you”ll be on the sidelines. You”ll just be commenting on the people who are doing.So, did you finally get laid this summer or what?More Monologues from “Adventureland”

I”m going to Harvard Business. I”m in. Strings were pulled, wheels greased, destiny”s been set in motion.James, forget about the naive, utopian crap we used to talk about. The world has changed. It”s winner take-all. The great minds, the great artists of our time are the entrepreneurs. Society”s their canvass. (leaning closer) You”re a smart guy, Brennan. If you remain passive, just bumble along like you always do, you”ll be on the sidelines. You”ll just be commenting on the people who are doing.So, did you finally get laid this summer or what?More Monologues from “Adventureland”

James, forget about the naive, utopian crap we used to talk about. The world has changed. It”s winner take-all. The great minds, the great artists of our time are the entrepreneurs. Society”s their canvass. (leaning closer) You”re a smart guy, Brennan. If you remain passive, just bumble along like you always do, you”ll be on the sidelines. You”ll just be commenting on the people who are doing.So, did you finally get laid this summer or what?More Monologues from “Adventureland”

So, did you finally get laid this summer or what?More Monologues from “Adventureland”

ERIC: This trip changed me, Brennan. It was revelatory. There I was, going from one incredible city to the next . . . the ruins, the cathedrals, the endless processions of art treasures. . . And I realized something. (beat) Screw the old world. I want the new world. And I want it now. Right now.I saw myself, five, six years from now, still dicking around, trying to “find myself”. But these are the years we can”t waste, Brennan. We”re young, we”re vital. Now”s my moment and I”m taking it.I”m going to Harvard Business. I”m in. Strings were pulled, wheels greased, destiny”s been set in motion.James, forget about the naive, utopian crap we used to talk about. The world has changed. It”s winner take-all. The great minds, the great artists of our time are the entrepreneurs. Society”s their canvass. (leaning closer) You”re a smart guy, Brennan. If you remain passive, just bumble along like you always do, you”ll be on the sidelines. You”ll just be commenting on the people who are doing.So, did you finally get laid this summer or what?More Monologues from “Adventureland”

I saw myself, five, six years from now, still dicking around, trying to “find myself”. But these are the years we can”t waste, Brennan. We”re young, we”re vital. Now”s my moment and I”m taking it.I”m going to Harvard Business. I”m in. Strings were pulled, wheels greased, destiny”s been set in motion.James, forget about the naive, utopian crap we used to talk about. The world has changed. It”s winner take-all. The great minds, the great artists of our time are the entrepreneurs. Society”s their canvass. (leaning closer) You”re a smart guy, Brennan. If you remain passive, just bumble along like you always do, you”ll be on the sidelines. You”ll just be commenting on the people who are doing.So, did you finally get laid this summer or what?More Monologues from “Adventureland”

I”m going to Harvard Business. I”m in. Strings were pulled, wheels greased, destiny”s been set in motion.James, forget about the naive, utopian crap we used to talk about. The world has changed. It”s winner take-all. The great minds, the great artists of our time are the entrepreneurs. Society”s their canvass. (leaning closer) You”re a smart guy, Brennan. If you remain passive, just bumble along like you always do, you”ll be on the sidelines. You”ll just be commenting on the people who are doing.So, did you finally get laid this summer or what?More Monologues from “Adventureland”

James, forget about the naive, utopian crap we used to talk about. The world has changed. It”s winner take-all. The great minds, the great artists of our time are the entrepreneurs. Society”s their canvass. (leaning closer) You”re a smart guy, Brennan. If you remain passive, just bumble along like you always do, you”ll be on the sidelines. You”ll just be commenting on the people who are doing.So, did you finally get laid this summer or what?More Monologues from “Adventureland”

So, did you finally get laid this summer or what?More Monologues from “Adventureland”

ERIC: You still thinking about graduate school? Total mistake. What do you need another degree for? Did Henry Miller need a degree? Or Samuel Beckett? Yeah, shut up, my point is – you don”t come from money. Graduate school”s gonna require massive loans. Three more years of school, then, what, a decade or two of paying them off?Why not blow your brains out now? Take some time to picture the narrative of your life. Needing it or wanting money is the fundamental trap of human kind. Look, I want you to know you”ll be with me in spirit this summer. Take this….From a coat pocket, Eric produces a baggie that contains several thin, poorly-rolled joints.Take it. You think you don”t like weed. You will. Brennan, you”ll be with me! In a few short months we”ll be in New York City. We”ll be living the adventure together!More Monologues from “Adventureland”

Why not blow your brains out now? Take some time to picture the narrative of your life. Needing it or wanting money is the fundamental trap of human kind. Look, I want you to know you”ll be with me in spirit this summer. Take this….From a coat pocket, Eric produces a baggie that contains several thin, poorly-rolled joints.Take it. You think you don”t like weed. You will. Brennan, you”ll be with me! In a few short months we”ll be in New York City. We”ll be living the adventure together!More Monologues from “Adventureland”

From a coat pocket, Eric produces a baggie that contains several thin, poorly-rolled joints.Take it. You think you don”t like weed. You will. Brennan, you”ll be with me! In a few short months we”ll be in New York City. We”ll be living the adventure together!More Monologues from “Adventureland”

Take it. You think you don”t like weed. You will. Brennan, you”ll be with me! In a few short months we”ll be in New York City. We”ll be living the adventure together!More Monologues from “Adventureland”

JAMES: What can I get?! I”m not even qualified for manual labor. (reading down column) carpenter… dishwasher… mechanic… septic waste removal – they won”t even hire me. The only place I know I can get a job is where Frigo”s working. I”m “O” for twenty-two. I majored in comparative literature and Renaissance studies. Unless someone needs help restoring a fresco, I”m screwed!More Monologues from “Adventureland”

JAMES: What can I get?! I”m not even qualified for manual labor. (reading down column) carpenter… dishwasher… mechanic… septic waste removal – they won”t even hire me. The only place I know I can get a job is where Frigo”s working. I”m “O” for twenty-two. I majored in comparative literature and Renaissance studies. Unless someone needs help restoring a fresco, I”m screwed!More Monologues from “Adventureland”

JAMES: Um. We”re talking about intercourse? Well, okay, um… There were a few times that I could”ve done that. But none of those times were quite right. (defensive) There were circumstances. For instance, okay, junior year I dated this girl, Sue Hornick. Sue was kind of prude. One day, I was reading some Shakespeare and realized – I don”t really love this person… It was one of the sonnets. Y”know, about authentic love. I thought this isn”t it, I have to breakup. I went straight to Sue”s house and was literally about to tell her – and that”s the night she said she finally wanted to have sex. Can you believe it? That was the night!More Monologues from “Adventureland”

PETE O”MALLEY: Hey, Lisa. We”re partners today. So, it”s official. My friend Boomer”s hooking me up a job at the Mercedes dealership on Jericho Turnpike. I”m totally psyched. I get a car right away. Way under list price, payments deducted from my check. I”m gonna go for a 560, convertible, in gold, with leather interior, all the options. I”m even gonna get a compact disc player. Gonna be insane. So, hey, Lise – you wanna go see Judas Priest at Nassau Coliseum? My friend Fitzy can get me floor seats.More Monologues from “Adventureland”

TIRED-LOOKING GUY: If you have half a brain, the job”s easy. Unbearably, soul-crushingly dull. But easy. The night shift is f -ing awful. It”s a f -ing stake through your brain. But after one a.m., it pay”s double-time. Why else would I do it? Okay… (sorting some papers) F -… It”s amazing how many of these f -ing Ivy League grads can”t write a single coherent sentence. I read this stuff – – it”s like what a lunatic might write on an asylum wall with his turd. You sure you want this job? Okay. F – it. Let”s get started.More Monologues from “Adventureland”

Marisa says

Okay so I don’t know if there are stragglers, but I’m just going to start the tour. Hi, I’m Marissa. Hi. Welcome to Alcott College for Women founded in eighteen ninety five. You are here because we are the best. You know the saying. Smith to bed, Mount Holyoke to wed and Alcott to run your company. But our grads are not all CEOs. We have novelists, painters, journalists, lawyers, doctors, philanthropists, architects and professors. (as if responding to someone on the tour.) Yes, right and mothers. But you already know all this. That’s why you’re here. . . . No, Gloria Steinem didn’t go here.

… Amelia Earhart? No. … Helen Gurley Brown? No. … Well, scores of amazing women, just not those three. … No Aphra Behn died a hundred years before the college was founded. … No, not Gertrude Stein. No. … No. … No. … No. … No. … No… We’re getting sidetracked here. Let me show you the campus. Designed Stanford White after an exploratory trip to Italy and Greece it’s a neoclassical … yes, that’s right. Imposing, isn’t it? It gives a weight to our studies. We aren’t f- fooling around at Alcott. We are the future leaders of the arts, business and– No, not her, either. Stop! Hold on! I know you! You’re the tour guide from Wellesley. You’ve been warned before. Don’t let me see you on this campus again! I don’t care if your girlfriend’s here or not. This is my work study job. I won’t have it! I simply won’t! We’re not continuing until you leave. … Go! Just go! GO! GO! GO!

… Is she gone? Behind me, the cafeteria. You’ll spend a lot of time there. And the library of course. The intricate structure to my left is the cathedral, mostly used for–GET OUT OF HERE! GO! GO! Okay, I think she’s finally . . . This way to the STEM wing. That’s new. Then the Theater. But you probably want to see the dorms, don’t you? I SAID GET OUT OF HERE!!

Violet says

Your instincts are right. I can’t wait for when you fall on your face. I hate you so much. So so much. So so so much. I’ve done everything. I cut my hair. She doesn’t notice. I dye my hair, I dye it back, shave it off, grow it back. Nothing. Change my eye shadow. Change my lipstick. I put on my good bra and the tight dress and glitter but nothing. Nothing. You wear that and have that face and don’t write a fucking word and she’s all over you drooling like Prague shouldn’t drool.

Violet says

Your instincts are right. I can’t wait for when you fall on your face. I hate you so much. So so much. So so so much. I’ve done everything. I cut my hair. She doesn’t notice. I dye my hair, I dye it back, shave it off, grow it back. Nothing. Change my eye shadow. Change my lipstick. I put on my good bra and the tight dress and glitter but nothing. Nothing. You wear that and have that face and don’t write a fucking word and she’s all over you drooling like Prague shouldn’t drool.

Violet says

My name’s not Violet. My name has never been Violet. I always introduce myself as Elizabeth. It’s my name. It’s always been my name. Meredith called me Shrinking Violet once during my freshman year and ever since then, everyone thinks my name is Violet. My name is not Violet. It’s been fourteen years. Stop fucking calling me Violet!

(PRAGUE: Relax, Honey.)

I will not relax. You know, I’ve expended so much energy over the years trying to get you to notice me. All of you. Why do I care what you think? How is it I think about you when you aren’t there? Still. All the time. All of you? You’re not that special. You never were. No one cares about you. No one knows who you are. You’ve built this wind tunnel around you that celebrates your cult. It’s not a real thing. Theater isn’t even a real thing. My mother thinks I open curtains during Lion King. And you! All the things you do are insignificant. You are selfish and you are oblivious and you are all terrible people.

Countess says

What angel shall
Bless this unworthy husband? he cannot thrive,
Unless her prayers, whom heaven delights to hear
And loves to grant, reprieve him from the wrath
Of greatest justice. Write, write, Rinaldo,
To this unworthy husband of his wife;
Let every word weigh heavy of her worth
That he does weigh too light: my greatest grief.
Though little he do feel it, set down sharply.
Dispatch the most convenient messenger:
When haply he shall hear that she is gone,
He will return; and hope I may that she,
Hearing so much, will speed her foot again,
Led hither pure love: which of them both
Is dearest to me. I have no skill in sense
To make distinction: provide this messenger:
My heart is heavy and mine age is weak;
Grief would have tears, and sorrow bids me speak.

Helena says

That you may well perceive I have not wrong’d you,
One of the greatest in the Christian world
Shall be my surety; ‘fore whose throne ’tis needful,
Ere I can perfect mine intents, to kneel:
Time was, I did him a desired office,
Dear almost as his life; which gratitude
Through flinty Tartar’s bosom would peep forth,
And answer, thanks: I duly am inform’d
His grace is at Marseilles; to which place
We have convenient convoy. You must know
I am supposed dead: the army breaking,
My husband hies him home; where, heaven aiding,
And the leave of my good lord the king,
We’ll be before our welcome.

Helena says

Till I have no wife, I have nothing in France”
Nothing in France until he has no wife!
Thou shalt have none, Rousillon, none in France;
Then hast thou all again. Poor lord! is’t I
That chase thee from thy country, and expose
Those tender limbs of thine to the event
Of the non-sparing war? and is it I
That drive thee from the sportive court, where thou
Wast shot at with fair eyes, to be the mark
Of smoky muskets? O you leaden messengers,
That ride upon the violent speed of fire,
Fly with false aim; move the still-piecing air,
That sings with piercing; do not touch my lord!
Whoever shoots at him, I set him there;
Whoever charges on his forward breast,
I am the caitiff that do hold him to ‘t;
And, though I kill him not, I am the cause
His death was so effected: better ’twere
I met the ravin lion when he roar’d
With sharp constraint of hunger; better ’twere
That all the miseries which nature owes
Were mine at once. No, come thou home, Rousillon,
Whence honour but of danger wins a scar,
As oft it loses all: I will be gone;
My being here it is that holds thee hence:
Shall I stay here to do ‘t? no, no, although
The air of paradise did fan the house,
And angels offic’d all: I will be gone,
That pitiful rumour may report my flight,
To consolate thine ear. Come, night; end, day!
For with the dark, poor thief, I’ll steal away.

Helena says

Our remedies oft in ourselves do lie,
Which we ascribe to heaven: the fated sky
Gives us free scope, only doth backward pull
Our slow designs when we ourselves are dull.
What power is it which mounts my love so high,
That makes me see, and cannot feed mine eye?
The mightiest space in fortune nature brings
To join like likes and kiss like native things.
Impossible be strange attempts to those
That weigh their pains in sense and do suppose
What hath been cannot be: who ever strove
So show her merit, that did miss her love?
The king’s disease–my project may deceive me,
But my intents are fix’d and will not leave me.

Helena says

Then, I confess,
Here on my knee, before high heaven and you
That before you, and next unto high heaven,
I love your son.
My friends were poor, but honest; so’s my love:
Be not offended, for it hurts not him
That he is lov’d of me: I follow him not
any token of presumptuous suit;
Nor would I have him till I do deserve him;
Yet never know how that desert should be.
I know I love in vain, strive against hope;
Yet, in this captious and intenible sieve
I still pour in the waters of my love,
And lack not to lose still. Thus, Indian-like,
Religious in mine error, I adore
The sun, that looks upon his worshipper,
But knows of him no more. My dearest madam,
Let not your hate encounter with my love
For loving where you do: but, if yourself,
Whose aged honour cites a virtuous youth,
Did ever in so true a flame of liking
Wish chastely and love dearly, that your Dian
Was both herself and Love; O! then, give pity
To her, whose state is such that cannot choose
But lend and give where she is sure to lose;
That seeks not to find that her search implies,
But, riddle-like, lives sweetly where she dies.

Helena says

That you may well perceive I have not wrong’d you,
One of the greatest in the Christian world
Shall be my surety; ‘fore whose throne ’tis needful,
Ere I can perfect mine intents, to kneel:
Time was, I did him a desired office,
Dear almost as his life; which gratitude
Through flinty Tartar’s bosom would peep forth,
And answer, thanks: I duly am inform’d
His grace is at Marseilles; to which place
We have convenient convoy. You must know
I am supposed dead: the army breaking,
My husband hies him home; where, heaven aiding,
And the leave of my good lord the king,
We’ll be before our welcome.

Helena says

O, were that all! I think not on my father;
And these great tears grace his remembrance more
Than those I shed for him. What was he like?
I have forgot him: my imagination
Carries no favour in’t but Bertram’s.
I am undone: there is no living, none,
If Bertram be away. ‘Twere all one
That I should love a bright particular star
And think to wed it, he is so above me:
In his bright radiance and collateral light
Must I be comforted, not in his sphere.
The ambition in my love thus plagues itself:
The hind that would be mated the lion
Must die for love. ‘Twas pretty, though plague,
To see him every hour; to sit and draw
His arched brows, his hawking eye, his curls,
In our heart’s table; heart too capable
Of every line and trick of his sweet favour:
But now he’s gone, and my idolatrous fancy
Must sanctify his reliques. Who comes here?

(Enter PAROLLES)

(Aside)

One that goes with him: I love him for his sake;
And yet I know him a notorious liar,
Think him a great way fool, solely a coward;
Yet these fixed evils sit so fit in him,
That they take place, when virtue’s steely bones
Look bleak i’ the cold wind: withal, full oft we see
Cold wisdom waiting on superfluous folly.

King says

‘Tis only title thou disdain’st in her, the which
I can build up. Strange is it that our bloods,
Of colour, weight, and heat, pour’d all together,
Would quite confound distinction, yet stand off
In differences so mighty. If she be
All that is virtuous, save what thou dislikest,
A poor physician’s daughter, thou dislikest
Of virtue for the name: but do not so:
From lowest place when virtuous things proceed,
The place is dignified the doer’s deed:
Where great additions swell’s, and virtue none,
It is a dropsied honour. Good alone
Is good without a name. Vileness is so:
The property what it is should go,
Not the title. She is young, wise, fair;
In these to nature she’s immediate heir,
And these breed honour: that is honour’s scorn,
Which challenges itself as honour’s born
And is not like the sire: honours thrive,
When rather from our acts we them derive
Than our foregoers: the mere word’s a slave
Debosh’d on every tomb, on every grave
A lying trophy, and as oft is dumb
Where dust and damn’d oblivion is the tomb
Of honour’d bones indeed. What should be said?
If thou canst like this creature as a maid,
I can create the rest: virtue and she
Is her own dower; honour and wealth from me.

King says

‘Tis only title thou disdain’st in her, the which
I can build up. Strange is it that our bloods,
Of colour, weight, and heat, pour’d all together,
Would quite confound distinction, yet stand off
In differences so mighty. If she be
All that is virtuous, save what thou dislikest,
A poor physician’s daughter, thou dislikest
Of virtue for the name: but do not so:
From lowest place when virtuous things proceed,
The place is dignified the doer’s deed:
Where great additions swell’s, and virtue none,
It is a dropsied honour. Good alone
Is good without a name. Vileness is so:
The property what it is should go,
Not the title. She is young, wise, fair;
In these to nature she’s immediate heir,
And these breed honour: that is honour’s scorn,
Which challenges itself as honour’s born
And is not like the sire: honours thrive,
When rather from our acts we them derive
Than our foregoers: the mere word’s a slave
Debosh’d on every tomb, on every grave
A lying trophy, and as oft is dumb
Where dust and damn’d oblivion is the tomb
Of honour’d bones indeed. What should be said?
If thou canst like this creature as a maid,
I can create the rest: virtue and she
Is her own dower; honour and wealth from me.

King says

I would I had that corporal soundness now,
As when thy father and myself in friendship
First tried our soldiership! He did look far
Into the service of the time and was
Discipled of the bravest: he lasted long;
But on us both did haggish age steal on
And wore us out of act. It much repairs me
To talk of your good father. In his youth
He had the wit which I can well observe
To-day in our young lords; but they may jest
Till their own scorn return to them unnoted
Ere they can hide their levity in honour;
So like a courtier, contempt nor bitterness
Were in his pride or sharpness; if they were,
His equal had awaked them, and his honour,
Clock to itself, knew the true minute when
Exception bid him speak, and at this time
His tongue obey’d his hand: who were below him
He used as creatures of another place
And bow’d his eminent top to their low ranks,
Making them proud of his humility,
In their poor praise he humbled. Such a man
Might be a copy to these younger times;
Which, follow’d well, would demonstrate them now
But goers backward.

Parolles says

Virginity being blown down, man will quicklier be
blown up: marry, in blowing him down again, with
the breach yourselves made, you lose your city. It
is not politic in the commonwealth of nature to
preserve virginity. Loss of virginity is rational
increase and there was never virgin got till
virginity was first lost. That you were made of is
metal to make virgins. Virginity being once lost
may be ten times found; being ever kept, it is
ever lost: ’tis too cold a companion; away with ‘t!

ROSIE: Will someone please show me where is it written that if you”re not the typical “ingénue,” then you”re auto­matically cast as the Mayor”s Wife? Hmm? I”ve been cast as the Mayor”s Wife in musicals that don”t even have a mayor. Or a town! Then last year the drama club stages The Mu­sic Man -where the Mayor”s Wife is a leading role -and what does our older-than-the-bard director, slash, driver”s-ed teacher, Mr. Gruella cast me as? “Townsperson Number 13.” Double digits people! And don”t get me started on the summer reduction of Hairspray. Instead of casting one curvy teenager as Tracy. my drama camp doubles the role …with twins in padding! I was the prison matron. But this year? This year? There won”t be stages big enough! There won”t be lights bright enough! This year, the drama club is staging Fiddler, and I”m going to land the role of The Girl who gets The Boy! [Even if that boy is probably gay.] It”s the day of the big tryouts; the auditorium is packed with the usual sycophants circling Gruella like he”s the friggin” Lion King. (Chants ala “Circle of Life”) “Nants ingonyama bagithi Baba!” [Here comes a lion, Father] My name is called and I take to the stage as to the manner born! Breathing in that thespian aroma of a freshly shel­lacked stage, perfumed with the enduring mist of gray in a can. “Tell us a little about yourself.”Gruella booms over the God mic. “Myself?””Who is … “Cassie?”””Cassie? I have no idea”It seems Gruella caught a local production of A Chorus Line and is now stuck in the 70s.”What would you do if you could no longer be in the high-school musical?””I”d be in a professional musical.” Is what I should have said, but all I could think of was: “There”s always Color Guard?””In other words, you would throw crap up in the air and catch it?””Hopefully.”” … Let”s just hear the song.”I started to sweat. And think. Then think while sweating; I was multitasking: What if I don”t get cast because I fail at being myself? Who am I anyway, am I my résumé? Hello! I”m a teenager; you”re lucky I know who the Vice President is. By this point in the audition I am shvitzing like Old Deu­teronomy and forget the words to my song. Who forgets the lyrics to “Memory?” (sings) All Alone In The” (pause) -Next day, I brave the hallway of shame, passed the faux hug­ging and chutzpah to catch the cast list just as it was posted … “Rosie: Mother #12, and … The Mayor”s Wife.”? Since when did Anatevka elect a mayor? I wanted to drop out then and there, rip that piece of paper off Gruella”s door, tear it to shreds like Patti Lupone does her reviews, and sing “There”s Gotta Be Some­thing Better Than This!” (Pause.) But a better “Angel of Music” prevailed. I”m a pro. If I am going play a matron – (Literally swallows her pride.) again -I am going to play the mother of all mothers: “Here she is world! Here she is, Gruella! Here”s Rosie!” (Strikes an Evita diva pose and serves a royal wave) My turn will come; for such is the magic of theatre that ingénues age into the chorus, while character actors grace into the leads. Yes, “Something is Changing; Something is Not The Same …Let It Go, Let It Go! Take Me For What I Am “Cause I … Am …Changing…And “You”re Gonna Love … Me!” (Belts or wails the last notes of “Defying Gravity”) “Oh, Oh! …How do you like them eggrolls, Mr. Gruella?” (Mimes a mic drop)

Gruella booms over the God mic. “Myself?””Who is … “Cassie?”””Cassie? I have no idea”It seems Gruella caught a local production of A Chorus Line and is now stuck in the 70s.”What would you do if you could no longer be in the high-school musical?””I”d be in a professional musical.” Is what I should have said, but all I could think of was: “There”s always Color Guard?””In other words, you would throw crap up in the air and catch it?””Hopefully.”” … Let”s just hear the song.”I started to sweat. And think. Then think while sweating; I was multitasking: What if I don”t get cast because I fail at being myself? Who am I anyway, am I my résumé? Hello! I”m a teenager; you”re lucky I know who the Vice President is. By this point in the audition I am shvitzing like Old Deu­teronomy and forget the words to my song. Who forgets the lyrics to “Memory?” (sings) All Alone In The” (pause) -Next day, I brave the hallway of shame, passed the faux hug­ging and chutzpah to catch the cast list just as it was posted … “Rosie: Mother #12, and … The Mayor”s Wife.”? Since when did Anatevka elect a mayor? I wanted to drop out then and there, rip that piece of paper off Gruella”s door, tear it to shreds like Patti Lupone does her reviews, and sing “There”s Gotta Be Some­thing Better Than This!” (Pause.) But a better “Angel of Music” prevailed. I”m a pro. If I am going play a matron – (Literally swallows her pride.) again -I am going to play the mother of all mothers: “Here she is world! Here she is, Gruella! Here”s Rosie!” (Strikes an Evita diva pose and serves a royal wave) My turn will come; for such is the magic of theatre that ingénues age into the chorus, while character actors grace into the leads. Yes, “Something is Changing; Something is Not The Same …Let It Go, Let It Go! Take Me For What I Am “Cause I … Am …Changing…And “You”re Gonna Love … Me!” (Belts or wails the last notes of “Defying Gravity”) “Oh, Oh! …How do you like them eggrolls, Mr. Gruella?” (Mimes a mic drop)

I started to sweat. And think. Then think while sweating; I was multitasking: What if I don”t get cast because I fail at being myself? Who am I anyway, am I my résumé? Hello! I”m a teenager; you”re lucky I know who the Vice President is. By this point in the audition I am shvitzing like Old Deu­teronomy and forget the words to my song. Who forgets the lyrics to “Memory?” (sings) All Alone In The” (pause) -Next day, I brave the hallway of shame, passed the faux hug­ging and chutzpah to catch the cast list just as it was posted … “Rosie: Mother #12, and … The Mayor”s Wife.”? Since when did Anatevka elect a mayor? I wanted to drop out then and there, rip that piece of paper off Gruella”s door, tear it to shreds like Patti Lupone does her reviews, and sing “There”s Gotta Be Some­thing Better Than This!” (Pause.) But a better “Angel of Music” prevailed. I”m a pro. If I am going play a matron – (Literally swallows her pride.) again -I am going to play the mother of all mothers: “Here she is world! Here she is, Gruella! Here”s Rosie!” (Strikes an Evita diva pose and serves a royal wave) My turn will come; for such is the magic of theatre that ingénues age into the chorus, while character actors grace into the leads. Yes, “Something is Changing; Something is Not The Same …Let It Go, Let It Go! Take Me For What I Am “Cause I … Am …Changing…And “You”re Gonna Love … Me!” (Belts or wails the last notes of “Defying Gravity”) “Oh, Oh! …How do you like them eggrolls, Mr. Gruella?” (Mimes a mic drop)

A woman, HOPE, arrives to make amends with a man she hurt deeply years ago.WOMAN: (Fast and furious -so absorbed by what she has to say and by what she has come to do that she really doesn”t take in/look at the man she”s talking to.) I know this isn”t going to be very easy, but I was just out there all alone in the world, and I got so scared, because all I could think about was how I had no place in this world, but, then, I just -outta nowhere -realized that there was one place in this world that I did have, and that was with you, so I flew, and I took a taxi to get to you., I just had to come see you., Thank God you”re [here] -…The woman finally really looks at the man.The man is not who she thought he”d be.But the man knows the woman.Oh [I”m sorry] -… Wait -[you”re not who I thought you”d be] -…I”m sorry! You”re not [who I thought you”d be] -… I”m [sorry] -…A little beat as the woman checks to make sure she”s at the right place -and recovers from an unexpected turn of events.This is the house… I”m so sorry!… Does Daniel Harding live here?, I”m looking for Daniel Harding. He lives here. I thought. But… (Off the man”s confused state, the woman realizes that Daniel Harding doesn”t live there anymore.) …Ooooh…he doesn”t, does he? Oooh, I am so sorry!report this adThe woman gathers her bags, preparing to leave -and trying to make light.I am so embarrassed! “Who is this woman and what is she doing here?”The woman laughs.The man doesn”t.I just honestly thought he”d be here. I always thought he”d be here. Always.The woman is at a loss, but wonders if maybe this man can help her.Do you know him? Big guy, big tall guy. Played basketball, All-Maine, center? Strong. Do you know him?, Played hockey, too? Oh, don”t even answer that. That was [a horrible thing to ask] -. I know that”s a horrible question to ask a person who lives in a small town, as if everybody in small towns knows everybody else., Argh!, I can”t believe I asked that. I don”t live here anymore, but when I did, I hated it when people assumed I knew everybody in town just because it was small. It was worse than when they”d ask if we had plumbing “way up there,” “cause, you know, people in small towns really don”t know each other any better than they do in big towns, you know that? I mean, you know who you know, and you don”t know who you don”t know, just like anywhere else.Little beat.I”m so sorry to have bothered you. I was just so sure [I”d find him here] -. When his parents passed away, he kept the house, I heard. He lived here. He stayed here, I thought. He was one of the ones who stayed.Little beat.I didn”t stay. I went away. And I guess he did too.For more info, visit: Almost, Maine

WOMAN: (Fast and furious -so absorbed by what she has to say and by what she has come to do that she really doesn”t take in/look at the man she”s talking to.) I know this isn”t going to be very easy, but I was just out there all alone in the world, and I got so scared, because all I could think about was how I had no place in this world, but, then, I just -outta nowhere -realized that there was one place in this world that I did have, and that was with you, so I flew, and I took a taxi to get to you., I just had to come see you., Thank God you”re [here] -…The woman finally really looks at the man.The man is not who she thought he”d be.But the man knows the woman.Oh [I”m sorry] -… Wait -[you”re not who I thought you”d be] -…I”m sorry! You”re not [who I thought you”d be] -… I”m [sorry] -…A little beat as the woman checks to make sure she”s at the right place -and recovers from an unexpected turn of events.This is the house… I”m so sorry!… Does Daniel Harding live here?, I”m looking for Daniel Harding. He lives here. I thought. But… (Off the man”s confused state, the woman realizes that Daniel Harding doesn”t live there anymore.) …Ooooh…he doesn”t, does he? Oooh, I am so sorry!report this adThe woman gathers her bags, preparing to leave -and trying to make light.I am so embarrassed! “Who is this woman and what is she doing here?”The woman laughs.The man doesn”t.I just honestly thought he”d be here. I always thought he”d be here. Always.The woman is at a loss, but wonders if maybe this man can help her.Do you know him? Big guy, big tall guy. Played basketball, All-Maine, center? Strong. Do you know him?, Played hockey, too? Oh, don”t even answer that. That was [a horrible thing to ask] -. I know that”s a horrible question to ask a person who lives in a small town, as if everybody in small towns knows everybody else., Argh!, I can”t believe I asked that. I don”t live here anymore, but when I did, I hated it when people assumed I knew everybody in town just because it was small. It was worse than when they”d ask if we had plumbing “way up there,” “cause, you know, people in small towns really don”t know each other any better than they do in big towns, you know that? I mean, you know who you know, and you don”t know who you don”t know, just like anywhere else.Little beat.I”m so sorry to have bothered you. I was just so sure [I”d find him here] -. When his parents passed away, he kept the house, I heard. He lived here. He stayed here, I thought. He was one of the ones who stayed.Little beat.I didn”t stay. I went away. And I guess he did too.For more info, visit: Almost, Maine

The woman finally really looks at the man.The man is not who she thought he”d be.But the man knows the woman.Oh [I”m sorry] -… Wait -[you”re not who I thought you”d be] -…I”m sorry! You”re not [who I thought you”d be] -… I”m [sorry] -…A little beat as the woman checks to make sure she”s at the right place -and recovers from an unexpected turn of events.This is the house… I”m so sorry!… Does Daniel Harding live here?, I”m looking for Daniel Harding. He lives here. I thought. But… (Off the man”s confused state, the woman realizes that Daniel Harding doesn”t live there anymore.) …Ooooh…he doesn”t, does he? Oooh, I am so sorry!report this adThe woman gathers her bags, preparing to leave -and trying to make light.I am so embarrassed! “Who is this woman and what is she doing here?”The woman laughs.The man doesn”t.I just honestly thought he”d be here. I always thought he”d be here. Always.The woman is at a loss, but wonders if maybe this man can help her.Do you know him? Big guy, big tall guy. Played basketball, All-Maine, center? Strong. Do you know him?, Played hockey, too? Oh, don”t even answer that. That was [a horrible thing to ask] -. I know that”s a horrible question to ask a person who lives in a small town, as if everybody in small towns knows everybody else., Argh!, I can”t believe I asked that. I don”t live here anymore, but when I did, I hated it when people assumed I knew everybody in town just because it was small. It was worse than when they”d ask if we had plumbing “way up there,” “cause, you know, people in small towns really don”t know each other any better than they do in big towns, you know that? I mean, you know who you know, and you don”t know who you don”t know, just like anywhere else.Little beat.I”m so sorry to have bothered you. I was just so sure [I”d find him here] -. When his parents passed away, he kept the house, I heard. He lived here. He stayed here, I thought. He was one of the ones who stayed.Little beat.I didn”t stay. I went away. And I guess he did too.For more info, visit: Almost, Maine

The man is not who she thought he”d be.But the man knows the woman.Oh [I”m sorry] -… Wait -[you”re not who I thought you”d be] -…I”m sorry! You”re not [who I thought you”d be] -… I”m [sorry] -…A little beat as the woman checks to make sure she”s at the right place -and recovers from an unexpected turn of events.This is the house… I”m so sorry!… Does Daniel Harding live here?, I”m looking for Daniel Harding. He lives here. I thought. But… (Off the man”s confused state, the woman realizes that Daniel Harding doesn”t live there anymore.) …Ooooh…he doesn”t, does he? Oooh, I am so sorry!report this adThe woman gathers her bags, preparing to leave -and trying to make light.I am so embarrassed! “Who is this woman and what is she doing here?”The woman laughs.The man doesn”t.I just honestly thought he”d be here. I always thought he”d be here. Always.The woman is at a loss, but wonders if maybe this man can help her.Do you know him? Big guy, big tall guy. Played basketball, All-Maine, center? Strong. Do you know him?, Played hockey, too? Oh, don”t even answer that. That was [a horrible thing to ask] -. I know that”s a horrible question to ask a person who lives in a small town, as if everybody in small towns knows everybody else., Argh!, I can”t believe I asked that. I don”t live here anymore, but when I did, I hated it when people assumed I knew everybody in town just because it was small. It was worse than when they”d ask if we had plumbing “way up there,” “cause, you know, people in small towns really don”t know each other any better than they do in big towns, you know that? I mean, you know who you know, and you don”t know who you don”t know, just like anywhere else.Little beat.I”m so sorry to have bothered you. I was just so sure [I”d find him here] -. When his parents passed away, he kept the house, I heard. He lived here. He stayed here, I thought. He was one of the ones who stayed.Little beat.I didn”t stay. I went away. And I guess he did too.For more info, visit: Almost, Maine

But the man knows the woman.Oh [I”m sorry] -… Wait -[you”re not who I thought you”d be] -…I”m sorry! You”re not [who I thought you”d be] -… I”m [sorry] -…A little beat as the woman checks to make sure she”s at the right place -and recovers from an unexpected turn of events.This is the house… I”m so sorry!… Does Daniel Harding live here?, I”m looking for Daniel Harding. He lives here. I thought. But… (Off the man”s confused state, the woman realizes that Daniel Harding doesn”t live there anymore.) …Ooooh…he doesn”t, does he? Oooh, I am so sorry!report this adThe woman gathers her bags, preparing to leave -and trying to make light.I am so embarrassed! “Who is this woman and what is she doing here?”The woman laughs.The man doesn”t.I just honestly thought he”d be here. I always thought he”d be here. Always.The woman is at a loss, but wonders if maybe this man can help her.Do you know him? Big guy, big tall guy. Played basketball, All-Maine, center? Strong. Do you know him?, Played hockey, too? Oh, don”t even answer that. That was [a horrible thing to ask] -. I know that”s a horrible question to ask a person who lives in a small town, as if everybody in small towns knows everybody else., Argh!, I can”t believe I asked that. I don”t live here anymore, but when I did, I hated it when people assumed I knew everybody in town just because it was small. It was worse than when they”d ask if we had plumbing “way up there,” “cause, you know, people in small towns really don”t know each other any better than they do in big towns, you know that? I mean, you know who you know, and you don”t know who you don”t know, just like anywhere else.Little beat.I”m so sorry to have bothered you. I was just so sure [I”d find him here] -. When his parents passed away, he kept the house, I heard. He lived here. He stayed here, I thought. He was one of the ones who stayed.Little beat.I didn”t stay. I went away. And I guess he did too.For more info, visit: Almost, Maine

Oh [I”m sorry] -… Wait -[you”re not who I thought you”d be] -…I”m sorry! You”re not [who I thought you”d be] -… I”m [sorry] -…A little beat as the woman checks to make sure she”s at the right place -and recovers from an unexpected turn of events.This is the house… I”m so sorry!… Does Daniel Harding live here?, I”m looking for Daniel Harding. He lives here. I thought. But… (Off the man”s confused state, the woman realizes that Daniel Harding doesn”t live there anymore.) …Ooooh…he doesn”t, does he? Oooh, I am so sorry!report this adThe woman gathers her bags, preparing to leave -and trying to make light.I am so embarrassed! “Who is this woman and what is she doing here?”The woman laughs.The man doesn”t.I just honestly thought he”d be here. I always thought he”d be here. Always.The woman is at a loss, but wonders if maybe this man can help her.Do you know him? Big guy, big tall guy. Played basketball, All-Maine, center? Strong. Do you know him?, Played hockey, too? Oh, don”t even answer that. That was [a horrible thing to ask] -. I know that”s a horrible question to ask a person who lives in a small town, as if everybody in small towns knows everybody else., Argh!, I can”t believe I asked that. I don”t live here anymore, but when I did, I hated it when people assumed I knew everybody in town just because it was small. It was worse than when they”d ask if we had plumbing “way up there,” “cause, you know, people in small towns really don”t know each other any better than they do in big towns, you know that? I mean, you know who you know, and you don”t know who you don”t know, just like anywhere else.Little beat.I”m so sorry to have bothered you. I was just so sure [I”d find him here] -. When his parents passed away, he kept the house, I heard. He lived here. He stayed here, I thought. He was one of the ones who stayed.Little beat.I didn”t stay. I went away. And I guess he did too.For more info, visit: Almost, Maine

A little beat as the woman checks to make sure she”s at the right place -and recovers from an unexpected turn of events.This is the house… I”m so sorry!… Does Daniel Harding live here?, I”m looking for Daniel Harding. He lives here. I thought. But… (Off the man”s confused state, the woman realizes that Daniel Harding doesn”t live there anymore.) …Ooooh…he doesn”t, does he? Oooh, I am so sorry!report this adThe woman gathers her bags, preparing to leave -and trying to make light.I am so embarrassed! “Who is this woman and what is she doing here?”The woman laughs.The man doesn”t.I just honestly thought he”d be here. I always thought he”d be here. Always.The woman is at a loss, but wonders if maybe this man can help her.Do you know him? Big guy, big tall guy. Played basketball, All-Maine, center? Strong. Do you know him?, Played hockey, too? Oh, don”t even answer that. That was [a horrible thing to ask] -. I know that”s a horrible question to ask a person who lives in a small town, as if everybody in small towns knows everybody else., Argh!, I can”t believe I asked that. I don”t live here anymore, but when I did, I hated it when people assumed I knew everybody in town just because it was small. It was worse than when they”d ask if we had plumbing “way up there,” “cause, you know, people in small towns really don”t know each other any better than they do in big towns, you know that? I mean, you know who you know, and you don”t know who you don”t know, just like anywhere else.Little beat.I”m so sorry to have bothered you. I was just so sure [I”d find him here] -. When his parents passed away, he kept the house, I heard. He lived here. He stayed here, I thought. He was one of the ones who stayed.Little beat.I didn”t stay. I went away. And I guess he did too.For more info, visit: Almost, Maine

This is the house… I”m so sorry!… Does Daniel Harding live here?, I”m looking for Daniel Harding. He lives here. I thought. But… (Off the man”s confused state, the woman realizes that Daniel Harding doesn”t live there anymore.) …Ooooh…he doesn”t, does he? Oooh, I am so sorry!report this adThe woman gathers her bags, preparing to leave -and trying to make light.I am so embarrassed! “Who is this woman and what is she doing here?”The woman laughs.The man doesn”t.I just honestly thought he”d be here. I always thought he”d be here. Always.The woman is at a loss, but wonders if maybe this man can help her.Do you know him? Big guy, big tall guy. Played basketball, All-Maine, center? Strong. Do you know him?, Played hockey, too? Oh, don”t even answer that. That was [a horrible thing to ask] -. I know that”s a horrible question to ask a person who lives in a small town, as if everybody in small towns knows everybody else., Argh!, I can”t believe I asked that. I don”t live here anymore, but when I did, I hated it when people assumed I knew everybody in town just because it was small. It was worse than when they”d ask if we had plumbing “way up there,” “cause, you know, people in small towns really don”t know each other any better than they do in big towns, you know that? I mean, you know who you know, and you don”t know who you don”t know, just like anywhere else.Little beat.I”m so sorry to have bothered you. I was just so sure [I”d find him here] -. When his parents passed away, he kept the house, I heard. He lived here. He stayed here, I thought. He was one of the ones who stayed.Little beat.I didn”t stay. I went away. And I guess he did too.For more info, visit: Almost, Maine

The woman gathers her bags, preparing to leave -and trying to make light.I am so embarrassed! “Who is this woman and what is she doing here?”The woman laughs.The man doesn”t.I just honestly thought he”d be here. I always thought he”d be here. Always.The woman is at a loss, but wonders if maybe this man can help her.Do you know him? Big guy, big tall guy. Played basketball, All-Maine, center? Strong. Do you know him?, Played hockey, too? Oh, don”t even answer that. That was [a horrible thing to ask] -. I know that”s a horrible question to ask a person who lives in a small town, as if everybody in small towns knows everybody else., Argh!, I can”t believe I asked that. I don”t live here anymore, but when I did, I hated it when people assumed I knew everybody in town just because it was small. It was worse than when they”d ask if we had plumbing “way up there,” “cause, you know, people in small towns really don”t know each other any better than they do in big towns, you know that? I mean, you know who you know, and you don”t know who you don”t know, just like anywhere else.Little beat.I”m so sorry to have bothered you. I was just so sure [I”d find him here] -. When his parents passed away, he kept the house, I heard. He lived here. He stayed here, I thought. He was one of the ones who stayed.Little beat.I didn”t stay. I went away. And I guess he did too.For more info, visit: Almost, Maine

I am so embarrassed! “Who is this woman and what is she doing here?”The woman laughs.The man doesn”t.I just honestly thought he”d be here. I always thought he”d be here. Always.The woman is at a loss, but wonders if maybe this man can help her.Do you know him? Big guy, big tall guy. Played basketball, All-Maine, center? Strong. Do you know him?, Played hockey, too? Oh, don”t even answer that. That was [a horrible thing to ask] -. I know that”s a horrible question to ask a person who lives in a small town, as if everybody in small towns knows everybody else., Argh!, I can”t believe I asked that. I don”t live here anymore, but when I did, I hated it when people assumed I knew everybody in town just because it was small. It was worse than when they”d ask if we had plumbing “way up there,” “cause, you know, people in small towns really don”t know each other any better than they do in big towns, you know that? I mean, you know who you know, and you don”t know who you don”t know, just like anywhere else.Little beat.I”m so sorry to have bothered you. I was just so sure [I”d find him here] -. When his parents passed away, he kept the house, I heard. He lived here. He stayed here, I thought. He was one of the ones who stayed.Little beat.I didn”t stay. I went away. And I guess he did too.For more info, visit: Almost, Maine

The woman laughs.The man doesn”t.I just honestly thought he”d be here. I always thought he”d be here. Always.The woman is at a loss, but wonders if maybe this man can help her.Do you know him? Big guy, big tall guy. Played basketball, All-Maine, center? Strong. Do you know him?, Played hockey, too? Oh, don”t even answer that. That was [a horrible thing to ask] -. I know that”s a horrible question to ask a person who lives in a small town, as if everybody in small towns knows everybody else., Argh!, I can”t believe I asked that. I don”t live here anymore, but when I did, I hated it when people assumed I knew everybody in town just because it was small. It was worse than when they”d ask if we had plumbing “way up there,” “cause, you know, people in small towns really don”t know each other any better than they do in big towns, you know that? I mean, you know who you know, and you don”t know who you don”t know, just like anywhere else.Little beat.I”m so sorry to have bothered you. I was just so sure [I”d find him here] -. When his parents passed away, he kept the house, I heard. He lived here. He stayed here, I thought. He was one of the ones who stayed.Little beat.I didn”t stay. I went away. And I guess he did too.For more info, visit: Almost, Maine

The man doesn”t.I just honestly thought he”d be here. I always thought he”d be here. Always.The woman is at a loss, but wonders if maybe this man can help her.Do you know him? Big guy, big tall guy. Played basketball, All-Maine, center? Strong. Do you know him?, Played hockey, too? Oh, don”t even answer that. That was [a horrible thing to ask] -. I know that”s a horrible question to ask a person who lives in a small town, as if everybody in small towns knows everybody else., Argh!, I can”t believe I asked that. I don”t live here anymore, but when I did, I hated it when people assumed I knew everybody in town just because it was small. It was worse than when they”d ask if we had plumbing “way up there,” “cause, you know, people in small towns really don”t know each other any better than they do in big towns, you know that? I mean, you know who you know, and you don”t know who you don”t know, just like anywhere else.Little beat.I”m so sorry to have bothered you. I was just so sure [I”d find him here] -. When his parents passed away, he kept the house, I heard. He lived here. He stayed here, I thought. He was one of the ones who stayed.Little beat.I didn”t stay. I went away. And I guess he did too.For more info, visit: Almost, Maine

I just honestly thought he”d be here. I always thought he”d be here. Always.The woman is at a loss, but wonders if maybe this man can help her.Do you know him? Big guy, big tall guy. Played basketball, All-Maine, center? Strong. Do you know him?, Played hockey, too? Oh, don”t even answer that. That was [a horrible thing to ask] -. I know that”s a horrible question to ask a person who lives in a small town, as if everybody in small towns knows everybody else., Argh!, I can”t believe I asked that. I don”t live here anymore, but when I did, I hated it when people assumed I knew everybody in town just because it was small. It was worse than when they”d ask if we had plumbing “way up there,” “cause, you know, people in small towns really don”t know each other any better than they do in big towns, you know that? I mean, you know who you know, and you don”t know who you don”t know, just like anywhere else.Little beat.I”m so sorry to have bothered you. I was just so sure [I”d find him here] -. When his parents passed away, he kept the house, I heard. He lived here. He stayed here, I thought. He was one of the ones who stayed.Little beat.I didn”t stay. I went away. And I guess he did too.For more info, visit: Almost, Maine

The woman is at a loss, but wonders if maybe this man can help her.Do you know him? Big guy, big tall guy. Played basketball, All-Maine, center? Strong. Do you know him?, Played hockey, too? Oh, don”t even answer that. That was [a horrible thing to ask] -. I know that”s a horrible question to ask a person who lives in a small town, as if everybody in small towns knows everybody else., Argh!, I can”t believe I asked that. I don”t live here anymore, but when I did, I hated it when people assumed I knew everybody in town just because it was small. It was worse than when they”d ask if we had plumbing “way up there,” “cause, you know, people in small towns really don”t know each other any better than they do in big towns, you know that? I mean, you know who you know, and you don”t know who you don”t know, just like anywhere else.Little beat.I”m so sorry to have bothered you. I was just so sure [I”d find him here] -. When his parents passed away, he kept the house, I heard. He lived here. He stayed here, I thought. He was one of the ones who stayed.Little beat.I didn”t stay. I went away. And I guess he did too.For more info, visit: Almost, Maine

Do you know him? Big guy, big tall guy. Played basketball, All-Maine, center? Strong. Do you know him?, Played hockey, too? Oh, don”t even answer that. That was [a horrible thing to ask] -. I know that”s a horrible question to ask a person who lives in a small town, as if everybody in small towns knows everybody else., Argh!, I can”t believe I asked that. I don”t live here anymore, but when I did, I hated it when people assumed I knew everybody in town just because it was small. It was worse than when they”d ask if we had plumbing “way up there,” “cause, you know, people in small towns really don”t know each other any better than they do in big towns, you know that? I mean, you know who you know, and you don”t know who you don”t know, just like anywhere else.Little beat.I”m so sorry to have bothered you. I was just so sure [I”d find him here] -. When his parents passed away, he kept the house, I heard. He lived here. He stayed here, I thought. He was one of the ones who stayed.Little beat.I didn”t stay. I went away. And I guess he did too.For more info, visit: Almost, Maine

Little beat.I”m so sorry to have bothered you. I was just so sure [I”d find him here] -. When his parents passed away, he kept the house, I heard. He lived here. He stayed here, I thought. He was one of the ones who stayed.Little beat.I didn”t stay. I went away. And I guess he did too.For more info, visit: Almost, Maine

I”m so sorry to have bothered you. I was just so sure [I”d find him here] -. When his parents passed away, he kept the house, I heard. He lived here. He stayed here, I thought. He was one of the ones who stayed.Little beat.I didn”t stay. I went away. And I guess he did too.For more info, visit: Almost, Maine

Little beat.I didn”t stay. I went away. And I guess he did too.For more info, visit: Almost, Maine

I didn”t stay. I went away. And I guess he did too.For more info, visit: Almost, Maine

For more info, visit: Almost, Maine

DEBBIE: You know, I had a pretty good time tonight. No, no, really. I really had a good time. I mean, you picked me up and we got some hard stuff and saw a hold-up, and then we went to the Canal, you got your car stolen, and then I got to watch you gettin” sick, and then you got in this bitchin” fight… I really had a good time. Anyway if you”re not doing anything tomorrow night, why don”t you come over? I got to go. Goodnight.More Monologues from “American Graffiti”

JOE: Listen, ah – Carl, I – Curt. Despite you scratching Gil”s car, I like you. And I know what you”d like more than anything right now. Like every guy in town, you got the same secret dream, right? Ya want to join the Pharaohs. Huh? You can admit it – you”d like to – but you never dreamed it could be possible, did you? Well, tonight, I”m goin” to give you your chance. Now you got three choices. One, you chicken out. In that case, I let Ants tie you to the car and drag you around a little bit. And you don”t want that, right? Two, you foul up and Holstein hears you and well, ah… you don”t want that, right? Three, you are successful and you join the Pharaohs with a carcoat, and the blood initiation and all that, huh?More Monologues from “American Graffiti”

LAURIE: You take me out? When we first met you didn”t have enough sense to take the garbage out… I asked you out, remember? Backwards Day – remember? If I had waited for you to ask me – even after that you didn”t call me for two weeks. You were scared. Dave Oboler told me. Then when you did ask me out you didn”t kiss me for three dates. I even asked my father why you hadn”t kissed me. He said he thought you were bright and you”d probably think of kissing me after a while. You didn”t, of course. I had to. Remember that picnic? Oh boy! You can”t remember anything – the first one, up at the lake. That was the first time you kissed me – I practically had to throw myself at you. (Laurie starts to cry, hating herself for it.) Go to hell.More Monologues from “American Graffiti”

TERRY: Oh yeah? I used to have a couple of horses myself. I used them for hunting. I do a lot of hunting. Deer mostly, although I got a couple of bear last year. Yep, they were good ponies – hunting ponies. I had to train “em special, you know. I had to sell “em. To get these wheels… and a jeep. I also have a jeep pick-up, with four-wheel drive. It”s got a gun rack. And I use that for hunting mostly.More Monologues from “American Graffiti”

JIM”S DAD: Son, I wanted to talk to you about what I think you were trying to do the other day. Now, you may have tried it in the shower, or maybe in bed at night, and not even known what you were doing. Or perhaps you”ve heard your friends talking about it in the locker room. Sure you know, son, but I think you”ve been having a little problem with it. It”s okay, though. What you”re doing is perfectly normal. It”s like practice. Like when you play tennis against a wall. Someday, there”ll be a partner returning the ball. (a beat) You do want a partner, don”t you son? Now remember, it”s okay to play with yourself. Or, as I always called it – (elbows Jim) “Stroke the salami!” (chuckles) Ho-ho, Jim. There”s nothing to be ashamed of. Hell, I”m fifty-two, and I still enjoy mastur -. Uncle Mort mastur -. We all mastur -.*culled

*culled

Lady Chiltern says

Robert, that is all very well for other men, for men who treat life simply as a sordid speculation; but not for you, Robert, not for you. You are different. All your life you have stood apart from others. You have never let the world soil you. To the world, as to myself, you have been an ideal always. Oh! be that ideal still. That great inheritance throw not away -that tower of ivory do not destroy. Robert, men can love what is beneath them -things unworthy, stained, dishonoured. We women worship when we love; and when we lose our worship, we lose everything. Oh! don’t kill my love for you, don’t kill that! I know that there are men with horrible secrets in their lives -men who have done some shameful thing, and who in some critical moment have to pay for it, doing some other act of shame -oh! don’t tell me you are such as they are! Robert, is there in your life any secret dishonour or disgrace? Tell me, tell me at once, that –

(Speaking very slowly.)

That our lives may drift apart.

Lord Goring says

Lady Chiltern, allow me. You wrote me a letter last night in which you said you trusted me and wanted my help. Now is the moment when you really want my help, now is the time when you have got to trust me, to trust in my counsel and judgment. You love Robert. Do you want to kill his love for you? What sort of existence will he have if you rob him of the fruits of his ambition, if you take him from the splendour of a great political career, if you close the doors of public life against him, if you condemn him to sterile failure, he who was made for triumph and success? Women are not meant to judge us, but to forgive us when we need forgiveness. Pardon, not punishment, is their mission. Why should you scourge him with rods for a sin done in his youth, before he knew you, before he knew himself? A man’s life is of more value than a woman’s. It has larger issues, wider scope, greater ambitions. A woman’s life revolves in curves of emotions. It is upon lines of intellect that a man’s life progresses. Don’t make any terrible mistake, Lady Chiltern. A woman who can keep a man’s love, and love him in return, has done all the world wants of women, or should want of them.

Mabel Chiltern says

Well, Tommy has proposed to me again. Tommy really does nothing but propose to me. He proposed to me last night in the music-room, when I was quite unprotected, as there was an elaborate trio going on. I didn’t dare to make the smallest repartee, I need hardly tell you. If I had, it would have stopped the music at once. Musical people are so absurdly unreasonable. They always want one to be perfectly dumb at the very moment when one is longing to be absolutely deaf. Then he proposed to me in broad daylight this morning, in front of that dreadful statue of Achilles. Really, the things that go on in front of that work of art are quite appalling. The police should interfere. At luncheon I saw the glare in his eye that he was going to propose again, and I just managed to check him in time assuring him that I was a bimetallist. Fortunately I don’t know what bimetallism means. And I don’t believe anybody else does either. But the observation crushed Tommy for ten minutes. He looked quite shocked. And then Tommy is so annoying in the way he proposes. If he proposed at the top of his voice, I should not mind so much. That might produce some effect on the public. But he does it in a horrid confidential way. When Tommy wants to be romantic he talks to one just like a doctor. I am very fond of Tommy, but his methods of proposing are quite out of date. I wish, Gertrude, you would speak to him, and tell him that once a week is quite often enough to propose to any one, and that it should always be done in a manner that attracts some attention.

Mrs. Cheveley says

Poor old Lord Mortlake, who had only two topics of conversation, his gout and his wife! I never could quite make out which of the two he was talking about. He used the most horrible language about them both. Well, you were silly, Arthur. Why, Lord Mortlake was never anything more to me than an amusement. One of those utterly tedious amusements one only finds at an English country house on an English country Sunday. I don’t think any one at all morally responsible for what he or she does at an English country house. I loved you, Arthur. I did love you. And you loved me. You know you loved me; and love is a very wonderful thing. I suppose that when a man has once loved a woman, he will do anything for her, except continue to love her?

(After a pause.)

I am tired of living abroad. I want to come back to London. I want to have a charming house here. I want to have a salon. If one could only teach the English how to talk, and the Irish how to listen, society here would be quite civilised. Besides, I have arrived at the romantic stage. When I saw you last night at the Chilterns’, I knew you were the only person I had ever cared for, if I ever have cared for anybody, Arthur. And so, on the morning of the day you marry me, I will give you Robert Chiltern’s letter. That is my offer. I will give it to you now, if you promise to marry me.

Mrs. Cheveley says

My dear Sir Robert, what then? You are ruined, that is all! Remember to what a point your Puritanism in England has brought you. In old days nobody pretended to be a bit better than his neighbours. In fact, to be a bit better than one’s neighbour was considered excessively vulgar and middle-class. Nowadays, with our modern mania for morality, every one has to pose as a paragon of purity, incorruptibility, and all the other seven deadly virtues- and what is the result? You all go over like ninepins- one after the other. Not a year passes in England without somebody disappearing. Scandals used to lend charm, or at least interest, to a man- now they crush him. And yours is a very nasty scandal. You couldn’t survive it. If it were known that as a young man, secretary to a great and important minister, you sold a Cabinet secret for a large sum of money, and that that was the origin of your wealth and career, you would be hounded out of public life, you would disappear completely. And after all, Sir Robert, why should you sacrifice your entire future rather than deal diplomatically with your enemy? For the moment I am your enemy. I admit it! And I am much stronger than you are. The big battalions are on my side. You have a splendid position, but it is your splendid position that makes you so vulnerable. You can’t defend it! And I am in attack. Of course I have not talked morality to you. You must admit in fairness that I have spared you that. Years ago you did a clever, unscrupulous thing; it turned out a great success. You owe to it your fortune and position. And now you have got to pay for it. Sooner or later we have all to pay for what we do. You have to pay now. Before I leave you to-night, you have got to promise me to suppress your report, and to speak in the House in favour of this scheme.

Mrs. Cheveley says

Poor old Lord Mortlake, who had only two topics of conversation, his gout and his wife! I never could quite make out which of the two he was talking about. He used the most horrible language about them both. Well, you were silly, Arthur. Why, Lord Mortlake was never anything more to me than an amusement. One of those utterly tedious amusements one only finds at an English country house on an English country Sunday. I don’t think any one at all morally responsible for what he or she does at an English country house. I loved you, Arthur. I did love you. And you loved me. You know you loved me; and love is a very wonderful thing. I suppose that when a man has once loved a woman, he will do anything for her, except continue to love her?

(After a pause.)

I am tired of living abroad. I want to come back to London. I want to have a charming house here. I want to have a salon. If one could only teach the English how to talk, and the Irish how to listen, society here would be quite civilised. Besides, I have arrived at the romantic stage. When I saw you last night at the Chilterns’, I knew you were the only person I had ever cared for, if I ever have cared for anybody, Arthur. And so, on the morning of the day you marry me, I will give you Robert Chiltern’s letter. That is my offer. I will give it to you now, if you promise to marry me.

Mrs. Cheveley says

Oh, no! I can’t stand your English house-parties. In England people actually try to be brilliant at breakfast. That is so dreadful of them! Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast. And then the family skeleton is always reading family prayers. My stay in England really depends on you, Sir Robert. Quite seriously. I want to talk to you about a great political and financial scheme, about this Argentine Canal Company, in fact. Oh, I like tedious, practical subjects. What I don’t like are tedious, practical people. There is a wide difference. Besides, you are interested, I know, in International Canal schemes. You were Lord Radley’s secretary, weren’t you, when the Government bought the Suez Canal shares?

Sir Robert Chiltern says

There was your mistake. There was your error. The error all women commit. Why can’t you women love us, faults and all? Why do you place us on monstrous pedestals? We have all feet of clay, women as well as men; but when we men love women, we love them knowing their weaknesses, their follies, their imperfections, love them all the more, it may be, for that reason. It is not the perfect, but the imperfect, who have need of love. It is when we are wounded our own hands, or the hands of others, that love should come to cure us- else what use is love at all? All sins, except a sin against itself, Love should forgive. All lives, save loveless lives, true Love should pardon. A man’s love is like that. It is wider, larger, more human than a woman’s. Women think that they are making ideals of men. What they are making of us are false idols merely. You made your false idol of me, and I had not the courage to come down, show you my wounds, tell you my weaknesses. I was afraid that I might lose your love, as I have lost it now. And so, last night you ruined my life for me- yes, ruined it! What this woman asked of me was nothing compared to what she offered to me. She offered security, peace, stability. The sin of my youth, that I had thought was buried, rose up in front of me, hideous, horrible, with its hands at my throat. I could have killed it for ever, sent it back into its tomb, destroyed its record, burned the one witness against me. You prevented me. No one but you, you know it. And now what is there before me but public disgrace, ruin, terrible shame, the mockery of the world, a lonely dishonoured life, a lonely dishonoured death, it may be, some day? Let women make no more ideals of men! let them not put them on alters and bow before them, or they may ruin other lives as completely as you- you whom I have so wildly loved- have ruined mine!

Sir Robert Chiltern says

Arthur, do you think that what I did nearly eighteen years ago should be brought up against me now? Do you think it fair that a man’s whole career should be ruined for a fault done in one’s boyhood almost? I was twenty-two at the time, and I had the double misfortune of being well-born and poor, two unforgiveable things nowadays. Is it fair that the folly, the sin of one’s youth, if men choose to call it a sin, should wreck a life like mine, should place me in the pillory, should shatter all that I have worked for, all that I have built up. Is it fair, Arthur? Every man of ambition has to fight his century with its own weapons. What this century worships is wealth. The God of this century is wealth. To succeed one must have wealth. At all costs one must have wealth.

Sir Robert Chiltern says

There was your mistake. There was your error. The error all women commit. Why can’t you women love us, faults and all? Why do you place us on monstrous pedestals? We have all feet of clay, women as well as men; but when we men love women, we love them knowing their weaknesses, their follies, their imperfections, love them all the more, it may be, for that reason. It is not the perfect, but the imperfect, who have need of love. It is when we are wounded our own hands, or the hands of others, that love should come to cure us- else what use is love at all? All sins, except a sin against itself, Love should forgive. All lives, save loveless lives, true Love should pardon. A man’s love is like that. It is wider, larger, more human than a woman’s. Women think that they are making ideals of men. What they are making of us are false idols merely. You made your false idol of me, and I had not the courage to come down, show you my wounds, tell you my weaknesses. I was afraid that I might lose your love, as I have lost it now. And so, last night you ruined my life for me- yes, ruined it! What this woman asked of me was nothing compared to what she offered to me. She offered security, peace, stability. The sin of my youth, that I had thought was buried, rose up in front of me, hideous, horrible, with its hands at my throat. I could have killed it for ever, sent it back into its tomb, destroyed its record, burned the one witness against me. You prevented me. No one but you, you know it. And now what is there before me but public disgrace, ruin, terrible shame, the mockery of the world, a lonely dishonoured life, a lonely dishonoured death, it may be, some day? Let women make no more ideals of men! let them not put them on alters and bow before them, or they may ruin other lives as completely as you- you whom I have so wildly loved- have ruined mine!

Sir Robert Chiltern says

One night after dinner at Lord Radley’s the Baron began talking about success in modern life as something that one could reduce to an absolutely definite science. With that wonderfully fascinating quiet voice of his he expounded to us the most terrible of all philosophies, the philosophy of power, preached to us the most marvellous of all gospels, the gospel of gold. I think he saw the effect he had produced on me, for some days afterwards he wrote and asked me to come and see him. He was living then in Park Lane, in the house Lord Woolcomb has now. I remember so well how, with a strange smile on his pale, curved lips, he led me through his wonderful picture gallery, showed me his tapestries, his enamels, his jewels, his carved ivories, made me wonder at the strange loveliness of the luxury in which he lived; and then told me that luxury was nothing but a background, a painted scene in a play, and that power, power over other men, power over the world, was the one thing worth having, the one supreme pleasure worth knowing, the one joy one never tired of, and that in our century only the rich possessed it. Wealth has given me enormous power. It gave me at the very outset of my life freedom, and freedom is everything. You have never been poor, and never known what ambition is. You cannot understand what a wonderful chance the Baron gave me. Such a chance as few men get. When I was going away he said to me that if I ever could give him any private information of real value he would make me a very rich man. I was dazed at the prospect he held out to me, and my ambition and my desire for power were at that time boundless. Six weeks later certain private documents passed through my hands. Weak? Oh, I am sick of hearing that phrase. Sick of using it about others. Weak? Do you really think, Arthur, that it is weakness that yields to temptation? I tell you that there are terrible temptations that it requires strength, strength and courage, to yield to. To stake all one’s life on a single moment, to risk everything on one throw, whether the stake be power or pleasure, I care not [S ;there is no weakness in that. There is a horrible, a terrible courage. I had that courage. I sat down the same afternoon and wrote Baron Arnheim the letter this woman now holds. He made three-quarters of a million over the transaction. I received from the Baron £110,000. No; that money gave me exactly what I wanted, power over others. I went into the House immediately. The Baron advised me in finance from time to time. Before five years I had almost trebled my fortune. Since then everything that I have touched has turned out a success. In all things connected with money I have had a luck so extraordinary that sometimes it has made me almost afraid. I remember having read somewhere, in some strange book, that when the gods wish to punish us they answer our prayers.

Adam says

What, my young master? O, my gentle master!
O my sweet master! O you memory
Of old Sir Rowland! why, what make you here?
Why are you virtuous? why do people love you?
And wherefore are you gentle, strong and valiant?
Why would you be so fond to overcome
The bonny priser of the humorous duke?
Your praise is come too swiftly home before you.
Know you not, master, to some kind of men
Their graces serve them but as enemies?
No more do yours: your virtues, gentle master,
Are sanctified and holy traitors to you.
O, what a world is this, when what is comely
Envenoms him that bears it!

Helena says

O! were that all. I think not on my father;
And these great tears grace his remembrance more
Than those I shed for him. What was he like?
I have forgot him: my imagination
Carries no favour in ‘t but Bertram’s.
I am undone: there is no living, none,
If Bertram be away. It were all one
That I should love a bright particular star
And think to wed it, he is so above me:
In his bright radiance and collateral light
Must I be comforted, not in his sphere.
The ambition in my love thus plagues itself:
The hind that would be mated the lion
Must die for love. ‘Twas pretty, though a plague,
To see him every hour; to sit and draw
His arched brows, his hawking eye, his curls,
In our heart’s table; heart too capable
Of every line and trick of his sweet favour:
But now he’s gone, and my idolatrous fancy
Must sanctify his reliques. Who comes here?
One that goes with him: I love him for his sake;
And yet I know him a notorious liar,
Think him a great way fool, solely a coward;
Yet these fix’d evils sit so fit in him,
That they take place, when virtue’s steely bones
Look bleak in the cold wind: withal, full oft we see
Cold wisdom waiting on superfluous folly.

Jaques says

A fool, a fool! I met a fool i’ the forest,
A motley fool; a miserable world!
As I do live food, I met a fool
Who laid him down and bask’d him in the sun,
And rail’d on Lady Fortune in good terms,
In good set terms and yet a motley fool.
‘Good morrow, fool,’ quoth I. ‘No, sir,’ quoth he,
‘Call me not fool till heaven hath sent me fortune:’
And then he drew a dial from his poke,
And, looking on it with lack-lustre eye,
Says very wisely, ‘It is ten o’clock:
Thus we may see,’ quoth he, ‘how the world wags:
‘Tis but an hour ago since it was nine,
And after one hour more ’twill be eleven;
And so, from hour to hour, we ripe and ripe,
And then, from hour to hour, we rot and rot;
And there hangs a tale.’ When I did hear
The motley fool thus moral on the time,
My lungs began to crow like chanticleer,
That fools should be so deep-contemplative,
And I did laugh sans intermission
An hour his dial. O noble fool!
A worthy fool! Motley’s the only wear.

Oliver says

When last the young Orlando parted from you
He left a promise to return again
Within an hour, and pacing through the forest,
Chewing the food of sweet and bitter fancy,
Lo, what befell! he threw his eye aside,
And mark what object did present itself:
Under an oak, whose boughs were moss’d with age
And high top bald with dry antiquity,
A wretched ragged man, o’ergrown with hair,
Lay sleeping on his back: about his neck
A green and gilded snake had wreathed itself,
Who with her head nimble in threats approach’d
The opening of his mouth; but suddenly,
Seeing Orlando, it unlink’d itself,
And with indented glides did slip away
Into a bush: under which bush’s shade
A lioness, with udders all drawn dry,
Lay couching, head on ground, with catlike watch,
When that the sleeping man should stir; for ’tis
The royal disposition of that beast
To prey on nothing that doth seem as dead:
This seen, Orlando did approach the man
And found it was his brother, his elder brother.

Oliver says

When last the young Orlando parted from you
He left a promise to return again
Within an hour, and pacing through the forest,
Chewing the food of sweet and bitter fancy,
Lo, what befell! he threw his eye aside,
And mark what object did present itself:
Under an oak, whose boughs were moss’d with age
And high top bald with dry antiquity,
A wretched ragged man, o’ergrown with hair,
Lay sleeping on his back: about his neck
A green and gilded snake had wreathed itself,
Who with her head nimble in threats approach’d
The opening of his mouth; but suddenly,
Seeing Orlando, it unlink’d itself,
And with indented glides did slip away
Into a bush: under which bush’s shade
A lioness, with udders all drawn dry,
Lay couching, head on ground, with catlike watch,
When that the sleeping man should stir; for ’tis
The royal disposition of that beast
To prey on nothing that doth seem as dead:
This seen, Orlando did approach the man
And found it was his brother, his elder brother.

Oliver says

Charles, I thank thee for thy love to me, which
thou shalt find I will most kindly requite. I had
myself notice of my brother’s purpose herein and
have underhand means laboured to dissuade him from
it, but he is resolute. I’ll tell thee, Charles:
it is the stubbornest young fellow of France, full
of ambition, an envious emulator of every man’s
good parts, a secret and villanous contriver against
me his natural brother: therefore use thy
discretion; I had as lief thou didst break his neck
as his finger. And thou wert best look to’t; for if
thou dost him any slight disgrace or if he do not
mightily grace himself on thee, he will practise
against thee poison, entrap thee some
treacherous device and never leave thee till he
hath ta’en thy life some indirect means or other;
for, I assure thee, and almost with tears I speak
it, there is not one so young and so villanous this
day living. I speak but brotherly of him; but
should I anatomize him to thee as he is, I must
blush and weep and thou must look pale and wonder.

Orlando says

As I remember, Adam, it was upon this fashion
bequeathed me will but poor a thousand crowns,
and, as thou sayest, charged my brother, on his
blessing, to breed me well: and there begins my
sadness. My brother Jaques he keeps at school, and
report speaks goldenly of his profit: for my part,
he keeps me rustically at home, or, to speak more
properly, stays me here at home unkept; for call you
that keeping for a gentleman of my birth, that
differs not from the stalling of an ox? His horses
are bred better; for, besides that they are fair
with their feeding, they are taught their manage,
and to that end riders dearly hired: but I, his
brother, gain nothing under him but growth; for the
which his animals on his dunghills are as much
bound to him as I. Besides this nothing that he so
plentifully gives me, the something that nature gave
me his countenance seems to take from me: he lets
me feed with his hinds, bars me the place of a
brother, and, as much as in him lies, mines my
gentility with my education. This is it, Adam, that
grieves me; and the spirit of my father, which I
think is within me, begins to mutiny against this
servitude: I will no longer endure it, though yet I
know no wise remedy how to avoid it.

Phoebe says

I would not be thy executioner:
I fly thee, for I would not injure thee.
Thou tell’st me there is murder in mine eye:
‘Tis pretty, sure, and very probable,
That eyes, that are the frail.st and softest things,
Who shut their coward gates on atomies,
Should be call’d tyrants, butchers, murderers!
Now I do frown on thee with all my heart;
And, if mine eyes can wound, now let them kill thee;
Now counterfeit to swound; why now fall down;
Or, if thou canst not, O! for shame, for shame,
Lie not, to say mine eyes are murderers.
Now show the wound mine eye hath made in thee;
Scratch thee but with a pin, and there remains
Some scar of it; lean but upon a rush,
The cicatrice and capable impressure
Thy palm some moment keeps; but now mine eyes,
Which I have darted at thee, hurt thee not,
Nor, I am sure, there is no force in eyes
That can do hurt.

Phoebe says

I would not be thy executioner:
I fly thee, for I would not injure thee.
Thou tell’st me there is murder in mine eye:
‘Tis pretty, sure, and very probable,
That eyes, that are the frail.st and softest things,
Who shut their coward gates on atomies,
Should be call’d tyrants, butchers, murderers!
Now I do frown on thee with all my heart;
And, if mine eyes can wound, now let them kill thee;
Now counterfeit to swound; why now fall down;
Or, if thou canst not, O! for shame, for shame,
Lie not, to say mine eyes are murderers.
Now show the wound mine eye hath made in thee;
Scratch thee but with a pin, and there remains
Some scar of it; lean but upon a rush,
The cicatrice and capable impressure
Thy palm some moment keeps; but now mine eyes,
Which I have darted at thee, hurt thee not,
Nor, I am sure, there is no force in eyes
That can do hurt.

Phoebe says

I would not be thy executioner:
I fly thee, for I would not injure thee.
Thou tell’st me there is murder in mine eye:
‘Tis pretty, sure, and very probable,
That eyes, that are the frail.st and softest things,
Who shut their coward gates on atomies,
Should be call’d tyrants, butchers, murderers!
Now I do frown on thee with all my heart;
And, if mine eyes can wound, now let them kill thee;
Now counterfeit to swound; why now fall down;
Or, if thou canst not, O! for shame, for shame,
Lie not, to say mine eyes are murderers.
Now show the wound mine eye hath made in thee;
Scratch thee but with a pin, and there remains
Some scar of it; lean but upon a rush,
The cicatrice and capable impressure
Thy palm some moment keeps; but now mine eyes,
Which I have darted at thee, hurt thee not,
Nor, I am sure, there is no force in eyes
That can do hurt.

Phoebe says

Think not I love him, though I ask for him.
‘Tis but a peevish boy; yet he talks well;
But what care I for words? yet words do well,
When he that speaks them pleases those that hear.
It is a pretty youth: not very pretty:
But, sure, he’s proud; and yet his pride becomes him:
He’ll make a proper man: the best thing in him
Is his complexion; and faster than his tongue
Did make offence his eye did heal it up.
He is not very tall; yet for his years he’s tall:
His leg is but so so; and yet ’tis well:
There was a pretty redness in his lip,
A little riper and more lusty red
Than that mix’d in his cheek; ’twas just the difference
Betwixt the constant red and mingled damask.
There be some women, Silvius, had they mark’d him
In parcels as I did, would have gone near
To fall in love with him; but, for my part,
I love him not nor hate him not; and yet
Have more cause to hate him than to love him:
For what had he to do to chide at me?
He said mine eyes were black and my hair black;
And, now I am remember’d, scorn’d at me.
I marvel why I answer’d not again:
But that’s all one; omittance is no quittance.
I’ll write to him a very taunting letter,
And thou shalt bear it: wilt thou, Silvius?

Rosalind says

And why, I pray you? Who might be your mother,
That you insult, exult, and all at once,
Over the wretched? What though you have no beauty,–
As my faith, I see no more in you
Than without candle may go dark to bed,–
Must you be therefore proud and pitiless?
Why, what means this? Why do you look on me?
I see no more in you than in the ordinary
Of nature’s sale-work. Od’s my little life!
I think she means to tangle my eyes too.
No, faith, proud mistress, hope not after it:
‘Tis not your inky brows, your black silk hair,
Your bugle eyeballs, nor your cheek of cream,
That can entame my spirits to your worship.
You foolish shepherd, wherefore do you follow her,
Like foggy south puffing with wind and rain?
You are a thousand times a properer man
Than she a woman: ’tis such fools as you
That make the world full of ill-favour’d children:
‘Tis not her glass, but you, that flatters her;
And out of you she sees herself more proper
Than any of her lineaments can show her.
But, mistress, know yourself: down on your knees,
And thank heaven, fasting, for a good man’s love:
For I must tell you friendly in your ear,
Sell when you can; you are not for all markets.
Cry the man mercy; love him; take his offer:
Foul is most foul, being foul to be a scoffer.
So take her to thee, shepherd. Fare you well.

Rosalind says

Ros. O! I know where you are.
Nay, ’tis true: there was never anything so sudden but the fight of two rams, Caesar’s thrasonical brag of ‘I came, saw, and overcame:’ for your brother and my sister no sooner met, but they looked; no sooner looked but they loved; no sooner loved but they sighed; no sooner sighed but they asked one another the reason; no sooner knew the reason but they sought the remedy: and in these degrees have they made a pair of stairs to marriage which they will climb incontinent, or else be incontinent before marriage.
They are in the very wrath of love, and they will together: clubs cannot part them.

Orl. They shall be married to-morrow, and I will bid the duke to the nuptial. But, O! how bitter a thing it is to look into happiness through another man’s eyes. so much the more shall I to-morrow be at the height of heart-heaviness, how much I shall think my brother happy in having what he wishes for.

Ros. Why then, to-morrow I cannot serve your turn for Rosalind?

Orl. I can live no longer thinking.

Ros. I will weary you then no longer with idle talking. Know of me then,’for now I speak to some purpose,’that I know you are a gentleman of good conceit.
I speak not this that you should bear a good opinion of my knowledge, insomuch I say I know you are; neither do I labour for a greater esteem than may in some little measure draw a belief from you, to do yourself good, and not to grace me. Believe then, if you please, that I can do strange things.
I have, since I was three years old, conversed with a magician, most profound in his art and yet not damnable. If you do love Rosalind so near the heart as your gesture cries it out, when your brother marries Aliena, shall you marry her. I know into what straits of fortune she is driven; and it is not impossible to me, if it appear not inconvenient to you, to set her before your eyes to-morrow, human as she is, and without any danger.

STUART (very hurt, very mad): Okay, Miss Sensuous Woman. But do you know what”s going to happen to you without therapy? You”re going to become a very pathetic, very lonely old maid. You know what”s going to happen to you? You”re going to break off with this clown in a few days, and then you”re not going to go out with men anymore at all. Your emotional life is going to be tied up with your cats! (To BRUCE:) Do you know what she does in her apartment? She keeps cats! Some guy she almost married last year wanted to marry her but he was allergic to cats and so she chose the cats!You”re gonna end up taking little boat cruises to Bermuda with your cats and with spinster librarians when you”re fifty unless you decide to kill yourself before then! And all because you were too cowardly and self-destructive and stupid to keep yourself from being an old maid by sticking with your therapy!

You”re gonna end up taking little boat cruises to Bermuda with your cats and with spinster librarians when you”re fifty unless you decide to kill yourself before then! And all because you were too cowardly and self-destructive and stupid to keep yourself from being an old maid by sticking with your therapy!

MEGAN: I think you”re ready to hear a little story about a girl named Megan who didn”t have a very good time in high school. I”m referring to myself when I say Megan, it”s me Megan. I know you look at me now and think, boy she must have breezed through high school. Not the case Annie. This was not easy going up and down the halls with. They used to try to blow me up. People used to throw firecrackers on my head in high school. Firecrackers, literally, not figuratively. They called me a freak. Do you think I let that stop me? Do you think I went home crying to my mommy, “Oh, I don”t have any friends.” I did not. You know what I did? I pulled myself up, I studied hard, I read every book in the library and now I work for the government and have the highest possible security clearance. Don”t repeat that. I cannot protect you. I know where all the nukes are and I know the codes. You would be amazed, a lot of shopping malls. Don”t repeat that.I have six houses. I bought an eighteen wheeler just cause I could. You lost Lillian. You got another best friend sitting right in front of you if you”d notice. You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. I do not associate with people that blame the world for their problems cause you”re your problem Annie, and you”re also your solution. You get that? I know you do, I know you do. Come on, bring it in.

I have six houses. I bought an eighteen wheeler just cause I could. You lost Lillian. You got another best friend sitting right in front of you if you”d notice. You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. I do not associate with people that blame the world for their problems cause you”re your problem Annie, and you”re also your solution. You get that? I know you do, I know you do. Come on, bring it in.

MEGAN: I think you”re ready to hear a little story about a girl named Megan who didn”t have a very good time in high school. I”m referring to myself when I say Megan, it”s me Megan. I know you look at me now and think, boy she must have breezed through high school. Not the case Annie. This was not easy going up and down the halls with. They used to try to blow me up. People used to throw firecrackers on my head in high school. Firecrackers, literally, not figuratively. They called me a freak. Do you think I let that stop me? Do you think I went home crying to my mommy, “Oh, I don”t have any friends.” I did not. You know what I did? I pulled myself up, I studied hard, I read every book in the library and now I work for the government and have the highest possible security clearance. Don”t repeat that. I cannot protect you. I know where all the nukes are and I know the codes. You would be amazed, a lot of shopping malls. Don”t repeat that.I have six houses. I bought an eighteen wheeler just cause I could. You lost Lillian. You got another best friend sitting right in front of you if you”d notice. You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. I do not associate with people that blame the world for their problems cause you”re your problem Annie, and you”re also your solution. You get that? I know you do, I know you do. Come on, bring it in.

I have six houses. I bought an eighteen wheeler just cause I could. You lost Lillian. You got another best friend sitting right in front of you if you”d notice. You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. I do not associate with people that blame the world for their problems cause you”re your problem Annie, and you”re also your solution. You get that? I know you do, I know you do. Come on, bring it in.

NORA: How would you feel if your entire life depended on what your Uncle Jack decided?…Oh, God, I wish Daddy were alive.Oh, God, he was so handsome. Always dressed so dapper, his shoes always shined. I always thought he should have been a movie star…like Gary Cooper…only very short. Mostly I remember his pockets.When I was six or seven he always brought me home a little surprise. Like a Hershey or a top. He”d tell me to go get it in his coat pocket. So I”d run to the closet and put my hand in and it felt as big as a tent. I wanted to crawl in there and go to sleep. And there were all these terrific things in there, like Juicy Fruit gum or Spearmint Life Savers and bits of cellophane and crumbled pieces of tobacco and movie stubs and nickels and pennies and rubber bands and paper clips and his grey suede gloves that he wore in the winter time.Then I found his coat in Mom”s closet and I put my hand in the pocket. And everything was gone. It was emptied and dry-cleaned and it felt cold…And that”s when I knew he was really dead.Oh God, I wish we had our own place to live. I hate being a boarder. Listen, let”s make a pact…The first one who makes enough money promises not to spend any on herself, but saves it all to get a house for you and me and Mom. That means every penny we get from now on, we save for the house…We can”t buy anything. No lipstick or magazines or nail polish or bubble gum. Nothing…Is it a pact?

Oh, God, he was so handsome. Always dressed so dapper, his shoes always shined. I always thought he should have been a movie star…like Gary Cooper…only very short. Mostly I remember his pockets.When I was six or seven he always brought me home a little surprise. Like a Hershey or a top. He”d tell me to go get it in his coat pocket. So I”d run to the closet and put my hand in and it felt as big as a tent. I wanted to crawl in there and go to sleep. And there were all these terrific things in there, like Juicy Fruit gum or Spearmint Life Savers and bits of cellophane and crumbled pieces of tobacco and movie stubs and nickels and pennies and rubber bands and paper clips and his grey suede gloves that he wore in the winter time.Then I found his coat in Mom”s closet and I put my hand in the pocket. And everything was gone. It was emptied and dry-cleaned and it felt cold…And that”s when I knew he was really dead.Oh God, I wish we had our own place to live. I hate being a boarder. Listen, let”s make a pact…The first one who makes enough money promises not to spend any on herself, but saves it all to get a house for you and me and Mom. That means every penny we get from now on, we save for the house…We can”t buy anything. No lipstick or magazines or nail polish or bubble gum. Nothing…Is it a pact?

When I was six or seven he always brought me home a little surprise. Like a Hershey or a top. He”d tell me to go get it in his coat pocket. So I”d run to the closet and put my hand in and it felt as big as a tent. I wanted to crawl in there and go to sleep. And there were all these terrific things in there, like Juicy Fruit gum or Spearmint Life Savers and bits of cellophane and crumbled pieces of tobacco and movie stubs and nickels and pennies and rubber bands and paper clips and his grey suede gloves that he wore in the winter time.Then I found his coat in Mom”s closet and I put my hand in the pocket. And everything was gone. It was emptied and dry-cleaned and it felt cold…And that”s when I knew he was really dead.Oh God, I wish we had our own place to live. I hate being a boarder. Listen, let”s make a pact…The first one who makes enough money promises not to spend any on herself, but saves it all to get a house for you and me and Mom. That means every penny we get from now on, we save for the house…We can”t buy anything. No lipstick or magazines or nail polish or bubble gum. Nothing…Is it a pact?

Then I found his coat in Mom”s closet and I put my hand in the pocket. And everything was gone. It was emptied and dry-cleaned and it felt cold…And that”s when I knew he was really dead.Oh God, I wish we had our own place to live. I hate being a boarder. Listen, let”s make a pact…The first one who makes enough money promises not to spend any on herself, but saves it all to get a house for you and me and Mom. That means every penny we get from now on, we save for the house…We can”t buy anything. No lipstick or magazines or nail polish or bubble gum. Nothing…Is it a pact?

Oh God, I wish we had our own place to live. I hate being a boarder. Listen, let”s make a pact…The first one who makes enough money promises not to spend any on herself, but saves it all to get a house for you and me and Mom. That means every penny we get from now on, we save for the house…We can”t buy anything. No lipstick or magazines or nail polish or bubble gum. Nothing…Is it a pact?

AMANDA: Well… I mean I know why I started dating him. I just don”t know why I did it for so long. It”s just, at first it was all so unbelievable, you know? At my old junior high I was always just this little… nobody. Then I came to Huntingdon freshman year and Mike Dexter wanted to date me… and I was like suddenly Miss Popular and – I know it”s really lame, but… well, it felt really good. It was the first time I ever felt cool in my life. Please, it was the first time I ever had a boyfriend.And that”s the problem. I want more, and Mike”s still the same person now that he was then. Mooning the guy at the drive-thru window and giving the underclassmen wedgies… Though who says I even deserve more anyway, you know? I mean, I did stay with him for four years. If being friends with those people was so much more important than being… happy, then – well then I guess I”ve already gotten what I deserve.I know what people think of me, okay? I mean, Mike”s a total d – and I am so guilty by association. And I really do wish things were different, I swear I do. I mean, I would love it if I thought there was somebody out there who hadn”t already formed an opinion of me based on how… based on who I”ve been. Somebody I could start again with. (she shrugs) But maybe there isn”t. Anybody.More Monologues from “Can”t Hardly Wait”

And that”s the problem. I want more, and Mike”s still the same person now that he was then. Mooning the guy at the drive-thru window and giving the underclassmen wedgies… Though who says I even deserve more anyway, you know? I mean, I did stay with him for four years. If being friends with those people was so much more important than being… happy, then – well then I guess I”ve already gotten what I deserve.I know what people think of me, okay? I mean, Mike”s a total d – and I am so guilty by association. And I really do wish things were different, I swear I do. I mean, I would love it if I thought there was somebody out there who hadn”t already formed an opinion of me based on how… based on who I”ve been. Somebody I could start again with. (she shrugs) But maybe there isn”t. Anybody.More Monologues from “Can”t Hardly Wait”

I know what people think of me, okay? I mean, Mike”s a total d – and I am so guilty by association. And I really do wish things were different, I swear I do. I mean, I would love it if I thought there was somebody out there who hadn”t already formed an opinion of me based on how… based on who I”ve been. Somebody I could start again with. (she shrugs) But maybe there isn”t. Anybody.More Monologues from “Can”t Hardly Wait”

GIRL WHOSE PARTY IT IS: My problem?! My PROBLEM??!! You people come in here, let my dog out, get drunk, run all over the fancy room, blast music, spill punch, break stuff, smear poop on the carpet – draw nipples on my mother, throw up in my pool, sniff drugs behind the poolhouse, get me 75 hours of community service and a five hundred dollar fine – THEN BREAK MY BATHROOM DOOR AND HAVE SEX IN THERE??I!! AND YOU WANNA KNOW MY PROBLEM??? I”LL TELL YOU MY PROBLEM!!! IT”S – -The DOG comes TROTTING IN, WAGGING his tail.TOFU! Tofu, where were you?! You know you”re not supposed to leave the house! Bad dog! BAD! COME HERE! TOFU!More Monologues from “Can”t Hardly Wait”

The DOG comes TROTTING IN, WAGGING his tail.TOFU! Tofu, where were you?! You know you”re not supposed to leave the house! Bad dog! BAD! COME HERE! TOFU!More Monologues from “Can”t Hardly Wait”

TOFU! Tofu, where were you?! You know you”re not supposed to leave the house! Bad dog! BAD! COME HERE! TOFU!More Monologues from “Can”t Hardly Wait”

KENNY: I”ve got to have s – tonight. I mean, peep this. 92 percent of the honeys at UCLA are sexually active. 92 percent! I figure since the whole class is going to the party, I should give all ladies an equal chance – you know whatuhm sayin”? It took me all day jus” to narrow it down to a list of ten finalists. I got a sophisticated ratings scale including Looks, Body, Reputation, Might-Owe-Me-A-Favor…Check this – – I am a finesse player, you know whatum sayin”? I am gonna Barry White my way into a woman”s heart. Observe – the Loooove Kit… (he pulls out a pink candle) That is a “Smell of Love” scented candle, bitch. And if either of you knew anything at all about seduction, you”d know that women go wild for little romantic gestures, such as scented candles.More Monologues from “Can”t Hardly Wait”

Check this – – I am a finesse player, you know whatum sayin”? I am gonna Barry White my way into a woman”s heart. Observe – the Loooove Kit… (he pulls out a pink candle) That is a “Smell of Love” scented candle, bitch. And if either of you knew anything at all about seduction, you”d know that women go wild for little romantic gestures, such as scented candles.More Monologues from “Can”t Hardly Wait”

PRESTON: So, it turns out Amanda and I weren”t meant to be. Which, you know, sucks – but at least… well at least I finally know. And now it”s over. And who knows? Maybe nothing happens for a reason. Maybe that”s all bullshit. So now I can just go off and – meet somebody else. Somebody who really is right for me. And next time I won”t wait four years just to talk to her… On the other hand, maybe this was all some sort of hero”s trial, you know? Something to make me… come out a better person. “Cause in a way, I think I may have really learned something about myself. Look, I”m trying to make the best of it okay? Would”ve been cool to make out with her, though.More Monologues from “Can”t Hardly Wait”

PRESTON: You are not gonna believe what happened. Matt Wachinski just called me. He said Mike Dexter broke up with Amanda Beckett at graduation! Amanda Beckett”s not supposed to be single!This morning at graduation I told myself, move on. After four years of longing, she”s still with Mike Dexter, they”re never gonna break up, I should go on to college, meet someone who”s right for me, forget all about Amanda until I see her at our reunion and she”s all fat and Mike”s bald. And then I”d tell my wife, “See that girl? I was madly in love with her in high school.” And my wife says, “that girl, really?” and we”d have a good laugh about it and that”s it. The end. It”s over.The problem is that”s not what happened. Don”t you see? The planets have realigned and they”re like, waving me home! I mean, this party tonight might be my window of opportunity! Amanda Beckett is single.More Monologues from “Can”t Hardly Wait”

This morning at graduation I told myself, move on. After four years of longing, she”s still with Mike Dexter, they”re never gonna break up, I should go on to college, meet someone who”s right for me, forget all about Amanda until I see her at our reunion and she”s all fat and Mike”s bald. And then I”d tell my wife, “See that girl? I was madly in love with her in high school.” And my wife says, “that girl, really?” and we”d have a good laugh about it and that”s it. The end. It”s over.The problem is that”s not what happened. Don”t you see? The planets have realigned and they”re like, waving me home! I mean, this party tonight might be my window of opportunity! Amanda Beckett is single.More Monologues from “Can”t Hardly Wait”

The problem is that”s not what happened. Don”t you see? The planets have realigned and they”re like, waving me home! I mean, this party tonight might be my window of opportunity! Amanda Beckett is single.More Monologues from “Can”t Hardly Wait”

PRESTON: So, it turns out Amanda and I weren”t meant to be. Which, you know, sucks – but at least… well at least I finally know. And now it”s over. And who knows? Maybe nothing happens for a reason. Maybe that”s all bullshit. So now I can just go off and – meet somebody else. Somebody who really is right for me. And next time I won”t wait four years just to talk to her… On the other hand, maybe this was all some sort of hero”s trial, you know? Something to make me… come out a better person. “Cause in a way, I think I may have really learned something about myself. Look, I”m trying to make the best of it okay? Would”ve been cool to make out with her, though.More Monologues from “Can”t Hardly Wait”

TRIP McNEELY: Seriously. Hey man, I thought college was gonna be the AM/PM of p -. I thought I”d be writin” more true -life letters to “Hustler” than I would term papers. Hell, that”s even why I broke up with Janine before I left. College women are totally different, bro. They”re all serious and s -, talking about world issues and economogical stuff. And they all wanna date older guys. Hell, I even tried getting Janine to take me back… but she”s all cozy with some Senior. He”s pre-med. They all are. Guys like us are a dime a dozen… (drinks) I”m tellin” ya, look out for that scrawny four-eyed kid who”s ass you used to kick just for fun. In three years he”ll be bangin” your girlfriend. Hey speakin” of which, you still with that Amanda? Now there was a prize piece if I ever saw one. You”re lucky. Hold on to her, man. Best advice I can give. That, and bring those rubber flip-flops for the shower.More Monologues from “Can”t Hardly Wait”

WILLIAM: Mike Dexter”s an a -. He”s a knuckle-dragging half-wit who”s been taking advantage of his physical superiority for too long… (building in intensity) But tonight he”ll finally know what it”s like to have everybody laughing at him. To face the scorn and ridicule of the entire student body. Tonight is the night we fight back! Tonight is… Independence Night! Hello?!More Monologues from “Can”t Hardly Wait”

Dusty says

My cat died last week. Thirty seven years old and died falling off the counter. She was dead before she hit the ground I suspect. I still haven’t buried her. I’m too sad about it. I just stuffed her in the freezer and now whenever I want a popsicle, I see her and I start crying again. On top of that, yesterday, I was sitting on my couch and I noticed a tear in it. I should probably get some thread and stitch it up. It’ll just get bigger if you don’t do something about it. You know what they say, a stitch in time . . . something something. Something about stitches. But it applies universally. To all ways of fastening things. Like pull up your zipper now or you’ll be cold later. Or take the antibiotics now before you giveit to other people. Or like, go to rehab before you OD on cough syrup or PCP or whatever. Or like, take care of your mama. My mama’s doing okay. In fact, I was having a pretty good day if I wasn’t thinking about the cat or my couch. But then Shotgun shot me in the foot. I’ll probably get gangrene. I’m hoping the burlesque show might cheer me up. Hey what are you guys doing?

CHER: Don”t sell yourself short, now you”ve got something going for you that no one else at Beverly has. I mean “mystery”. As far as everyone”s concerned you were the most popular girl in your school. Everyone”s curious, and the fact that you hang with De and me… You have to take advantage of this window of opportunity. Let”s see… who”s available? Brandon, Bronson… Oh! I got it! Elton”s single now. He just broke up with Valette. He was in debate with us. He did the in favor of animal testing speech. In fact, I noticed him scoping you out. Tscha! In fact, he said you gave him a toothache. It”s an expression. It means he thinks you”re sweet.More Monologues from “Clueless”

CHER: So, O.K., like the Haitians need to come to America but some people are all, “What about the sprain on our resources?” And it”s like, when I had this garden party for my father”s birthday and it”s all catered, you know, I said “R.S.V.P.” because it”s a sit down dinner. O.K.? People come that like, didn”t R.S.V.P.! And I”m buggin”. I have to haul ass to the kitchen, re-distribute the food and like squish in extra place-settings and people are on mismatched chairs and all. But by the end of the day it was like “the more, the merrier”. And so if the government could just get to the kitchen and re-arrange some things we could certainly party with Haitians. And in conclusion, may I remind you that it doesn”t say “R.S.V.P.” on the Statue of Liberty.More Monologues from “Clueless”

CHER: Don”t sell yourself short, now you”ve got something going for you that no one else at Beverly has. I mean “mystery”. As far as everyone”s concerned you were the most popular girl in your school. Everyone”s curious, and the fact that you hang with De and me… You have to take advantage of this window of opportunity. Let”s see… who”s available? Brandon, Bronson… Oh! I got it! Elton”s single now. He just broke up with Valette. He was in debate with us. He did the in favor of animal testing speech. In fact, I noticed him scoping you out. Tscha! In fact, he said you gave him a toothache. It”s an expression. It means he thinks you”re sweet.More Monologues from “Clueless”

CHER: My birthday”s in April. As someone who”s older can I give you some advice? I mean, I don”t want to sound all judgmental and all, but it”s one thing to spark up a doobie and get laced at parties, it”s quite another to be fried at school all day. The loadies generally hang in the stairwell over there. Sometimes they get to class and say bonehead things and we all laugh of course. But no respectable girl actually dates them. I don”t mean to be harsh, but you don”t want to start off on the wrong foot, do you? That”s Alana”s group over there. They all do the T.V. station and they think that”s the most important thing on earth… our school has its own channel throughout Beverly Hills… You like working on T.V. stations? Then forget them, they just hang by themselves… There”s the “Persian Mafia”, you can”t hang with them unless you own a B.M.W… And there”s the “Crew”. The choicest males at our school. If you make the decision to date a high school boy, those are the only acceptable ones. Hey, I”ve got a great idea! Let”s do a makeover!More Monologues from “Clueless”

TAI: I”m glad you”re here. There”s something I want to do and I”d like it if you were there with me. This is stupid junk that… reminded me of Elton that I thought I”d save forever. But now I want to burn it cause I am so over him. O.K. remember when we were at the Val party and the clog knocked me out and he got a towel of ice to cure me? Well, I didn”t tell you but I took the towel for a souvenir. Then once my pen ran out and I borrowed one from him. And remember the song playing when we danced? “Hip Hop Hurray”. I got the tape and listened to it every night. It”s like, once you know someone who is so much better than someone you think you liked then that someone starts seem like nuthin compared to the other one, ya know? Look, you”ve got to help me get Josh. You know what I mean… I tried to fight it but I just can”t. He”s the only guy I ever really cared about. I know it”s impossible, but you keep saying “Carpe Diem” and you”re so smart at this stuff. Anyway, I lost five pounds. I passed the driver”s test, I”ve been totally straight, I feel good about myself and like I deserve a guy I love. It”s all because of you. You”ve been such a good friend. College guys like less make up and he told me to read “Beyond Good And Evil” but it”s too confusing so I”ll get the Cliff”s notes.More Monologues from “Clueless”

TRAVIS: Thank you, thank-you. This is so unexpected. I didn”t even have a speech prepared… But I would like to say this… tardiness is not something you can do all on your own. Many, many people had to contribute. I”d like to thank my parents for never driving me to school and the L.A. bus drivers for taking a chance on an unknown kid and last, but not least, the wonderful crew at McDonald”s for the long hours they spend making Egg McMuffins, without which I might never be tardy. Thank you.More Monologues from “Clueless”

ESTELLE: No, I don”t. I hate it. Actually, do you want to know what I really hate? I hate the fact that although I despise green pepper, everyone else alive seems to love it. I mean, it really doesn”t bother me so much that I don”t like the taste, because the reasons for that are certainly scientific or medical. No, what bothers me is that everyone else likes it and because they do, it is so much in evidence. On pizza, in salads….The other night I found some in stroganoff! Oh….yuck…And a myth has sprung up you know. People have said to me, “Well, if you don”t like it just pick it out.” But that”s so stupid. Just because you pick it out doesn”t mean the flavor”s going to go away. Green pepper doesn”t work like that. It is insidious and pervasive, like noxious fumes that kill you and your family while you sleep. Jesus, the way some people talk, you”d think it was parsley! I”ve even seen, yes it”s true, green pepper that”s been sliced cross-wise to make a sort of shamrock shaped ring. That”s supposed to be decorative. Do you believe it? That”s like making a garnish to make the bile really rise up in the throats of your dinner guests!(Estelle looks at the others who are standing quite motionless)Look, I know you all like green pepper and so you think I”m over-reacting. But what I”m trying to say is that acceptance of these foodstuffs can never be taken for granted. You can”t assume it. It”s not a given. No. This is something that has caused me a lot of unhappiness and I just don”t want to go through that anymore…………….I do like red pepper though. I want you all to know that.

And a myth has sprung up you know. People have said to me, “Well, if you don”t like it just pick it out.” But that”s so stupid. Just because you pick it out doesn”t mean the flavor”s going to go away. Green pepper doesn”t work like that. It is insidious and pervasive, like noxious fumes that kill you and your family while you sleep. Jesus, the way some people talk, you”d think it was parsley! I”ve even seen, yes it”s true, green pepper that”s been sliced cross-wise to make a sort of shamrock shaped ring. That”s supposed to be decorative. Do you believe it? That”s like making a garnish to make the bile really rise up in the throats of your dinner guests!(Estelle looks at the others who are standing quite motionless)Look, I know you all like green pepper and so you think I”m over-reacting. But what I”m trying to say is that acceptance of these foodstuffs can never be taken for granted. You can”t assume it. It”s not a given. No. This is something that has caused me a lot of unhappiness and I just don”t want to go through that anymore…………….I do like red pepper though. I want you all to know that.

(Estelle looks at the others who are standing quite motionless)Look, I know you all like green pepper and so you think I”m over-reacting. But what I”m trying to say is that acceptance of these foodstuffs can never be taken for granted. You can”t assume it. It”s not a given. No. This is something that has caused me a lot of unhappiness and I just don”t want to go through that anymore…………….I do like red pepper though. I want you all to know that.

Look, I know you all like green pepper and so you think I”m over-reacting. But what I”m trying to say is that acceptance of these foodstuffs can never be taken for granted. You can”t assume it. It”s not a given. No. This is something that has caused me a lot of unhappiness and I just don”t want to go through that anymore…………….I do like red pepper though. I want you all to know that.

Aegeon says

A heavier task could not have been imposed
Than I to speak my griefs unspeakable:
Yet, that the world may witness that my end
Was wrought nature, not vile offence,
I’ll utter what my sorrows give me leave.
In Syracusa was I born, and wed
Unto a woman, happy but for me,
And me, had not our hap been bad.
With her I lived in joy; our wealth increased
prosperous voyages I often made
To Epidamnum; till my factor’s death
And the great care of goods at random left
Drew me from kind embracements of my spouse:
From whom my absence was not six months old
Before herself, almost at fainting under
The pleasing punishment that women bear,
Had made provision for her following me
And soon and safe arrived where I was.
There had she not been long, but she became
A joyful mother of two goodly sons;
And, which was strange, the one so like the other,
As could not be distinguish’d but names.
That very hour, and in the self-same inn,
A meaner woman was delivered
Of such a burden, male twins, both alike:
Those,–for their parents were exceeding poor,–
I bought and brought up to attend my sons.
My wife, not meanly proud of two such boys,
Made daily motions for our home return:
Unwilling I agreed. Alas! too soon,
We came aboard.
A league from Epidamnum had we sail’d,
Before the always wind-obeying deep
Gave any tragic instance of our harm:
But longer did we not retain much hope;
For what obscured light the heavens did grant
Did but convey unto our fearful minds
A doubtful warrant of immediate death;
Which though myself would gladly have embraced,
Yet the incessant weepings of my wife,
Weeping before for what she saw must come,
And piteous plainings of the pretty babes,
That mourn’d for fashion, ignorant what to fear,
Forced me to seek delays for them and me.
And this it was, for other means was none:
The sailors sought for safety our boat,
And left the ship, then sinking-ripe, to us:
My wife, more careful for the latter-born,
Had fasten’d him unto a small spare mast,
Such as seafaring men provide for storms;
To him one of the other twins was bound,
Whilst I had been like heedful of the other:
The children thus disposed, my wife and I,
Fixing our eyes on whom our care was fix’d,
Fasten’d ourselves at either end the mast;
And floating straight, obedient to the stream,
Was carried towards Corinth, as we thought.
At length the sun, gazing upon the earth,
Dispersed those vapours that offended us;
And the benefit of his wished light,
The seas wax’d calm, and we discovered
Two ships from far making amain to us,
Of Corinth that, of Epidaurus this:
But ere they came,–O, let me say no more!
Gather the sequel that went before.

Balthazar says

Have patience, sir; O, let it not be so!
Herein you war against your reputation
And draw within the compass of suspect
The unviolated honour of your wife.
Once this,–your long experience of her wisdom,
Her sober virtue, years and modesty,
Plead on her part some cause to you unknown:
And doubt not, sir, but she will well excuse
Why at this time the doors are made against you.
Be ruled me: depart in patience,
And let us to the Tiger all to dinner,
And about evening come yourself alone
To know the reason of this strange restraint.
If strong hand you offer to break in
Now in the stirring passage of the day,
A vulgar comment will be made of it,
And that supposed the common rout
Against your yet ungalled estimation
That may with foul intrusion enter in
And dwell upon your grave when you are dead;
For slander lives upon succession,
For ever housed where it gets possession.

Duke says

Merchant of Syracuse, plead no more;
I am not partial to infringe our laws:
The enmity and discord which of late
Sprung from the rancorous outrage of your duke
To merchants, our well-dealing countrymen,
Who wanting guilders to redeem their lives
Have seal’d his rigorous statutes with their bloods,
Excludes all pity from our threatening looks.
For, since the mortal and intestine jars
‘Twixt thy seditious countrymen and us,
It hath in solemn synods been decreed
Both the Syracusians and ourselves,
To admit no traffic to our adverse towns Nay, more,
If any born at Ephesus be seen
At any Syracusian marts and fairs;
Again: if any Syracusian born
Come to the bay of Ephesus, he dies,
His goods confiscate to the duke’s dispose,
Unless a thousand marks be levied,
To quit the penalty and to ransom him.
Thy substance, valued at the highest rate,
Cannot amount unto a hundred marks;
Therefore law thou art condemned to die.

E. Antipholus says

My liege, I am advised what I say,
Neither disturbed with the effect of wine,
Nor heady-rash, provoked with raging ire,
Albeit my wrongs might make one wiser mad.
This woman lock’d me out this day from dinner:
That goldsmith there, were he not pack’d with her,
Could witness it, for he was with me then;
Who parted with me to go fetch a chain,
Promising to bring it to the Porpentine,
Where Balthazar and I did dine together.
Our dinner done, and he not coming thither,
I went to seek him: in the street I met him
And in his company that gentleman.
There did this perjured goldsmith swear me down
That I this day of him received the chain,
Which, God he knows, I saw not: for the which
He did arrest me with an officer.
I did obey, and sent my peasant home
For certain ducats: he with none return’d
Then fairly I bespoke the officer
To go in person with me to my house.
the way we met
My wife, her sister, and a rabble more
Of vile confederates. Along with them
They brought one Pinch, a hungry lean-faced villain,
A mere anatomy, a mountebank,
A threadbare juggler and a fortune-teller,
A needy, hollow-eyed, sharp-looking wretch,
A dead-looking man: this pernicious slave,
Forsooth, took on him as a conjurer,
And, gazing in mine eyes, feeling my pulse,
And with no face, as ’twere, outfacing me,
Cries out, I was possess’d. Then all together
They fell upon me, bound me, bore me thence
And in a dark and dankish vault at home
There left me and my man, both bound together;
Till, gnawing with my teeth my bonds in sunder,
I gain’d my freedom, and immediately
Ran hither to your grace; whom I beseech
To give me ample satisfaction
For these deep shames and great indignities.

S. Antipholus says

Sweet mistress–what your name is else, I know not,
Nor what wonder you do hit of mine,–
Less in your knowledge and your grace you show not
Than our earth’s wonder, more than earth divine.
Teach me, dear creature, how to think and speak;
Lay open to my earthy-gross conceit,
Smother’d in errors, feeble, shallow, weak,
The folded meaning of your words’ deceit.
Against my soul’s pure truth why labour you
To make it wander in an unknown field?
Are you a god? would you create me new?
Transform me then, and to your power I’ll yield.
But if that I am I, then well I know
Your weeping sister is no wife of mine,
Nor to her bed no homage do I owe
Far more, far more to you do I decline.
O, train me not, sweet mermaid, with thy note,
To drown me in thy sister’s flood of tears:
Sing, siren, for thyself and I will dote:
Spread o’er the silver waves thy golden hairs,
And as a bed I’ll take them and there lie,
And in that glorious supposition think
He gains death that hath such means to die:
Let Love, being light, be drowned if she sink!

Robbie: You want to talk about The Scarlet Letter, Mrs. Thompson? Here you go: the “A” they”re both wearing – I think it stands for A -. Wanna know why? Because they”re in love, and love is for stupid A -S. So thanks for choosing this book, Mrs. Thompson, because this is what I need right now: to read a boring, confusing book about a bunch of stupid a -s who fell in love, like a -s, and then had to die, like a -s. I”m sorry for cursing.More Monologues from “Crazy, Stupid, Love”

ROBBIE: Nathaniel Hawthorne wrote in The Scarlet Letter: “No man for any considerable period can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true.” (Robbie puts down the paper, ignoring the jeers.) I am not bewildered! Jessica Riley is my soulmate. She”s the one! I know it to be true, and so now do the multitude. (correcting himself) Multitudes? (then, deciding) No, multitude. I have marked myself with this Scarlet J, Jessica! For you. Because your name starts with a J. It”s just tape and construction paper but one day I will get a permanent tattoo when I”m old enough that my parents won”t freak out on me.More Monologues from “Crazy, Stupid, Love”

BALDWIN: Well, whadda ya know! It”s that special time of year again, here at the Maidenhead Country Club! It”s Safety Awareness Day! We all enjoyed the Anti-Polio Picnic this morning, and to top it all off, we”re very excited to be celebrating the Club”s brand new Atomic Age bomb shelter. Well done, Junior Disaster Committee! I”d like to remind the wait staff that in the event of a nuclear attack – the shelter is for members only. Anyhow, the Whiffles and I wish you a safe and aware Safety Awareness Day, and we hope you enjoy our little musical proffering.

MRS. VW: It all started years ago. World War Two. December, nineteen forty three. My best friends were Fred and Adele Blandish. Baldwin”s parents. They ran the biggest factory in town, the Blandish Bootworks. They had converted from making bedroom slippers and baby booties to making soldiers” boots for the war effort.I knew they were using inferior materials – cardboard and shellac – and charging the government for leather, making huge profits. But I looked the other way. We were in the same social circle. Then the bad news started coming in from overseas. Our brave fighting boys were falling victim to mysterious injuries – fallen arches, bunions, corns… even twisted ankles! There was an inquiry and the factory was to be inspected. A week before the inspection was to take place, the factory burned to the ground, killing the watchman. It was Christmas Eve. The Blandishes were due at my home for carols and figgy pudding. They arrived late, reeking of gasoline. I didn”t think anything of it at the time. With the war rationing people drank anything they could get their hands on. Later, when the investigation began, Fred and Adele begged me to say they”d been at my house all evening. It was wartime and I felt I had to stand shoulder to shoulder with my peers and class against the threat of anarchy and revolution. The police suspected a poor young pacifist couple who had demonstrated against vi-Far outside the factory the day before. Will and Ariel Walker – I didn”t know them. Fred Blandish testified that the Walkers had threatened to burn the factory down. And, God forgive me, I confirmed Fred”s alibi. I needed to believe him. The Walkers were convicted of arson, murder, and treason. I realize now they were innocent.

I knew they were using inferior materials – cardboard and shellac – and charging the government for leather, making huge profits. But I looked the other way. We were in the same social circle. Then the bad news started coming in from overseas. Our brave fighting boys were falling victim to mysterious injuries – fallen arches, bunions, corns… even twisted ankles! There was an inquiry and the factory was to be inspected. A week before the inspection was to take place, the factory burned to the ground, killing the watchman. It was Christmas Eve. The Blandishes were due at my home for carols and figgy pudding. They arrived late, reeking of gasoline. I didn”t think anything of it at the time. With the war rationing people drank anything they could get their hands on. Later, when the investigation began, Fred and Adele begged me to say they”d been at my house all evening. It was wartime and I felt I had to stand shoulder to shoulder with my peers and class against the threat of anarchy and revolution. The police suspected a poor young pacifist couple who had demonstrated against vi-Far outside the factory the day before. Will and Ariel Walker – I didn”t know them. Fred Blandish testified that the Walkers had threatened to burn the factory down. And, God forgive me, I confirmed Fred”s alibi. I needed to believe him. The Walkers were convicted of arson, murder, and treason. I realize now they were innocent.

Cloten says

I am near to the place where they should meet, if
Pisanio have mapped it truly. How fit his garments
serve me! Why should his mistress, who was made by
him that made the tailor, not be fit too? the
rather–saving reverence of the word–for ’tis said
a woman’s fitness comes fits. Therein I must
play the workman. I dare speak it to myself–for it
is not vain-glory for a man and his glass to confer
in his own chamber–I mean, the lines of my body are
as well drawn as his; no less young, more strong,
not beneath him in fortunes, beyond him in the
advantage of the time, above him in birth, alike
conversant in general services, and more remarkable
in single oppositions: yet this imperceiverant
thing loves him in my despite. What mortality is!
Posthumus, thy head, which now is growing upon thy
shoulders, shall within this hour be off; thy
mistress enforced; thy garments cut to pieces before
thy face: and all this done, spurn her home to her
father; who may haply be a little angry for my so
rough usage; but my mother, having power of his
testiness, shall turn all into my commendations. My
horse is tied up safe: out, sword, and to a sore
purpose! Fortune, put them into my hand! This is
the very description of their meeting-place; and
the fellow dares not deceive me.

Iachimo says

The crickets sing, and man’s o’er-labour’d sense
Repairs itself rest. Our Tarquin thus
Did softly press the rushes, ere he waken’d
The chastity he wounded. Cytherea,
How bravely thou becomest thy bed, fresh lily,
And whiter than the sheets! That I might touch!
But kiss; one kiss! Rubies unparagon’d,
How dearly they do’t! ‘Tis her breathing that
Perfumes the chamber thus: the flame o’ the taper
Bows toward her, and would under-peep her lids,
To see the enclosed lights, now canopied
Under these windows, white and azure laced
With blue of heaven’s own tinct. But my design,
To note the chamber: I will write all down:
Such and such pictures; there the window; such
The adornment of her bed; the arras; figures,
Why, such and such; and the contents o’ the story.
Ah, but some natural notes about her body,
Above ten thousand meaner moveables
Would testify, to enrich mine inventory.
O sleep, thou ape of death, lie dull upon her!
And be her sense but as a monument,
Thus in a chapel lying! Come off, come off!

(Taking off her bracelet)

As slippery as the Gordian knot was hard!
‘Tis mine; and this will witness outwardly,
As strongly as the conscience does within,
To the madding of her lord. On her left breast
A mole cinque-spotted, like the crimson drops
I’ the bottom of a cowslip: here’s a voucher,
Stronger than ever law could make: this secret
Will force him think I have pick’d the lock and ta’en
The treasure of her honour. No more. To what end?
Why should I write this down, that’s riveted,
Screw’d to my memory? She hath been reading late
The tale of Tereus; here the leaf’s turn’d down
Where Philomel gave up. I have enough:
To the trunk again, and shut the spring of it.
Swift, swift, you dragons of the night, that dawning
May bare the raven’s eye! I lodge in fear;
Though this a heavenly angel, hell is here.

(Clock strikes)

One, two, three: time, time!

(Goes into the trunk. The scene closes)