Gene Wilder Monologues

Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (Willy Wonka)

Wrong, sir! Wrong! Under section 37-B of the contract signed by him, it states quite clearly that all offers shall become null and void if, and you can read it for yourself in this photostatic copy, ‘I, the undersigned, shall forfeit all rights, privileges, and licenses herein and herein contained’, et cetera, et cetera, ‘Fax mentis incendium gloria cultum’, et cetera, et cetera, ‘Memo bis punitor delicatum!” It’s all there! Black and white! Clear as crystal! You stole Fizzy Lifting drinks! You bumped into the ceiling which now has to be washed and sterilized. So you get nothing! You lose! Good day, sir! … Sir, I said, ‘Good day!’

The Producers (Leo Bloom)

I would like to say something your honor, not on my behalf, but in reference to my partner, Mr. Bialystock, your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Max Bialystock is the most selfish man I ever met in my life. Not only is he liar, and a cheat and a scoundrel, and a crook, who has taken money from little old ladies, he has also talked people into doing things, especially me, that they would never in a thousand years had dreamed of doing. But, your honor, as I understand it the law was created to protect people from being wronged. Your honor, whom has Max Bialystock wronged? I mean, whom has he really hurt? Not me. Not me. I was, this man no one ever called me Leo before. I mean, I know it’s not a big legal point, but even in kindergarten they used to call me Bloom. I never sang a song before. I mean with someone else, I never sang a song with someone else before. This man, this man, this is a wonderful man. He made me what I am today…he did. And what of the dear ladies? What would their lives have been without Max Bialystock? Max Bialystock, who made them feel young, and attractive, and wanted again. That’s all I have to say.